Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Hi, is this Rafael?
yes, this is Rafael
How could I support you?
I'm currently obsessing over an ended relationship which I'd like to let go off.
I am very sorry to know about it.
It's been about 3 months since we split up (he ended). I left some stuff in his flat which I decided to collect when I was feeling stonger
Please tell me more about what happened.
last thursday, after no contact for all this time, he texted me to say he was going to be away for the weekend and if I wanted to start moving my things he wouldn't be around.
I thought I was strong enough and it was time to move on. So I went. But as soon as I got there memories started flooding in
and I realised that deep down I was hoping for some sort of reconcilliation (even though it would have been the third time I would take him back!!!)
I proceed to pack anyway and slowly started see evidence that he has moved on and is in a new relationship.
My heart broke and I've been progressively obsessing over it, how it could have been different, what could have done differently, what's wrong with me, etc etc
I can see how overwhelming this has been for you, very painful and frustrating indeed, since even after suffering this much you still felt these hopes, while knowing hos destructive and more painful it would get for you.
It seems that the more I try to move on, the more I obsess!
Both times he broke up with me, both times he said horrible things, and every time I come up with an excuse to forgive him. How can I love myself more?
First you need to come to terms that whenever a person does not even respect you, and is capable and willing to use, abuse, neglect and hurt you in ant way, such person is far from deserving your presence, trust or affection
When we do not learn from early years to truly respect, understand, respect and love ourselves, we end attaching to people ion unhealthy ways, become need and depend on how other people think, feel and do things about us, we become codependent and suffer because of it a lot.
I keep excusing his behaviour, "seeing the good" in him even though he was emotionally abusive
Right, and this is because you truly trusted him, and built expectations based on your love and hope, but not on what reality was showing you, and this is why it got this bad and painful
Even he said this to me...he once said that the way he treated me wasn't right, wasn't excusable. I agreed thinking that those words meant he was aware and was going to change.
When things ended he said he still loved me but it was different that he wanted to remain friends. I rejected the friendship but I guesss I clinged on the hope that his love was going to return. That he was going to grow up and come back!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?!? How can I get out of this highly self-destructive behaviour/wishes?
You need and deserve to heal and grow from this, and that;s why psychotherapy is essential for your healing process, and to rehabilitate from codependency, you need to learn to love yourself, since it would be from there that you will not allow anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you at all.
Look for s support group for codependency and it will perfectly complement the benefits from psychotherapy, allowing you to heal and move on better and faster, instead of self-sabotaging and relapsing with him or with another person who does not deserve you.
In the past, I would have jumped straight away into another relationship. But this time, I have on purpose refrained from doing that. Exactly so I can focus on myself.
However, since going to his place, I'm ruminating about our relationship and the pain of not getting it back!
And I keep punishing myself by telling myself how he'll be perfect with his new girlfriend now that he made all the mistakes with me.
because he is very distorted bin his personality , mind and heart, and he will continue doing the same, people do not magically change unless they commit to work on themselves taking full responsibility for their own feelings, choices and actions, and get necessary support.
I have this idea now that he's the reformed, he's the prince charming I've been dreaming about as in our conversations he had shown more self-awareness.
He seemed to be growing emotionally but I'm not going to see that.
That would be pure self-sabotage, enabling further manipulation and abuse, and that's the last thing anybody in your should would want to do if what you want is real relief, happiness and fulfillment instead of suffering in your life.
I can see how crazy I sound. Nevertheless, I want to be honest so you can have a clear view of the level of mess that's going on in my head. I REALLY want to move on.
What part is self-sabotage?
I didn't get it
Fooling yourself believing he has suddenly transformed himself and how abusive ways, that everything would be fine an that is healthy and fine for you to keep fueling hope and expectations about it.
since you'd literally enable this person or any other person's abuse more and more
I have to say that it wasn't always like that.
I did try to set boundaries but he always tested them.
Always pushed to see how far he could go.
How much he could get away with.
It seems that whenever I sat a boundary, he would test. And if I would stand my ground, he would become distance himself.
And I think this is my fault, that I did something wrong. that I could have changed the course of the relationship.
Sure he will, because he is an expert manipulator, and that's how he plays his codependent abusive game.
So you think he's codependent?
I actually thought he had some strong narcissistic tendencies.
The first time he brokeup with me, he said that all he cared was about winning. That he didn't cared what he had to say to win or whether that hurt anyone. He just cared about winning.
he does, he has serious personality and other mental health problems leading to his abusive and manipulative ways
Yet, his very popular, doing extremely well in his job and well...winning. Meanwhile,
I feel my life, once promising, has severely regressed. I haven't worked in 5 years, I'm very isolated, and my self esteem is non-existent. The worse is that I seem incapable of taking actions to get out of this whole
it seems to deep.
By the way, We were together for a total of 9 years
That's a lot , i can see why this has become this overwhelming, and that's why you need to stick to therapy and a good support group.
I don't have a support group
I haven't got a good relationship with my parents. My dad himself is a narcissit. My mum, despite her good efforts, doesn't see to have the maturity to deal with life's difficult questions.
I live in a different country to them.
My friends have moved on, and not working for this length of time meant that my already small circle of friends disappeared.
I am sorry to know that, but at the same time I think it's much healthier for you not to be close to them because of her serious issues
Yes, I agree.
Please look for a good therapist and a local support group for codependency ASAP
I will be here to support you as possible too
So, hence being here, it's the only way I found to somehow get support/direction.
I can afford therapists where I am. Not at the moment
I've already identified a CODA group but have been to any meeting yet.
Then please join them and get as much support as you can without delay, once you start thing would begin working for you
Ok. In the mean time, do you have any resources you could recommend? I have read over 15 self help books...
here you could find support groups for depression: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/depression-help-groups.aspx
Here is CODA with information and support groups: http://www.coda-uk.org/?page=all
You're very welcome.
Thank you for your trust.
Please feel free to contact me for any further support , to follow up since \i am here willing to support you.
Great, in that case, how can I get my life back? I was doing well professionally, and would like to get back to that.
Once you start rehabilitating from this you would feel stable and empowered to rebuild your life away from any form of abuse
I feel it will be hard now since I have discredited myself and have such a huge gap on my cv.
I have a competitive nature and find it hard to forgive myself for putting myself in this situation
Focus on healing from your sense of self-worthiness to your self-esteem and ability to love and support yourself, building an new and healthy support system and sticking to therapy and to a good support group.c One step at a time.
How do I develop that? My sense of worthiness comes from what I produce, from my work and I haven't worked in a long time!
It starts from the way you think, feel and care about yourself, literally start thinking an d talking in positive, healthy and proactive ways about yourself and your life, that with healthy activities and the right support will allow you to heal and grow from it
AllI can think is that I want him back!
and my tendency to ruminate drove him away and will drive everyone away.
That's were therapy and the support group play a key role allowing to work on making effective changes
what kind of therapy are you talking about?
individual and group psychotherapy with an integral approach, meaning a combination of different therapeutic approaches from CBT, to humanistic and systemic therapies.
And where can I do that?
Thanks for your time.
You're very welcome. You could ask your primary care physician for referrals, or go to local mental health clinic and request the same. They are online directories too, like mentaline.com with professionals with different approaches for you to review and consider
Here you will find information on it and directories for local professionals: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/humanistic.html