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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am 48 years old and have been married to my current husband

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I am 48 years old and have been married to my current husband for a year and a half now, he is the same age. He was affectionate before we got married, but almost immediately after we got married, he has totally changed. He barely even kisses me, and we go several months without any intimacy at all. I have tried talking to him about this at least 5 or 6 times. He apologizes and says he will try to do better, but that is it, nothing changes. This makes me very sad and frustrated. I am at a loss of what to do. I don't want to continue living like this, but I love him very much and don't want to leave either. Am I just being selfish? What should I do?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality you have been facing since you got married.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad and frustrating to find yourself living in a marriage where your husband happens to be a totally different person than the one you though you were marrying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious he was not being really honest and open towards you before, since people do not get dramatically instantly transformed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long did you date him before getting married, and what do you and his family think could have happened here?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your message does not specify how this could have evolved, but that he just changed this much once you got married, what would show that he played a role to get you to marry him, and once he got that, he felt it was OK not to show any further real romantic affection, passion, caring nor even to care about your core feeling,s needs and expectations; and for this to be happening since the very beginning of your marriage to the present, for 1.5 years, is a lot, truly overwhelming for most people in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It shows that the man you fell in love with does not exist any more if he happened to exist before you got married. There is no way to know for sure since he has chosen not to be truly open and honest towards you, and has been showing you that he can lie and perpetuate thi serious abusive neglect for this long without any problem or remorse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

in 1.5 years you have talked to him 5 to 6 times about it, he apologized and promises to change, but that was it, he was lying, and that's a very painful reality, one you need to face in order to you to take good care of yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How healthy is this love you still feel towards him? Remember that this is not the same person you fell in love with.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There is no way you could have been selfish at all, I'd rather say that you have seriously neglected and betrayed yourself for tolerating and enabling so much neglect for this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Ar your Self shows you through your experience, the more you take this neglect, the more you would continue to suffer.

Customer:

He says he loves me and we get along great except for the fact that I need and want intimacy and he acts like he could care less about that. I know that he is not involved with someone else, because he has high morals in that aspect.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your first right, need and responsibility is to respect, understand, protect, love and support yourself, since it is from there that you would take good care of yourself without allowing any form of neglect or abuse. You got married, right? He is not you friend but your husband, and that's why you married him, but he is showing you day by day, that he is unable and unwilling to even respect and care about your mutual commitment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel that you are happy and fulfilled because of the fact that you are formally married even when you live just as good friends, then no problem at all. But if you are unhappy, unfulfilled and find yourself betrayed in the commitment you made to each other, then you would need to come to therms with reality that this is not working for you at all. He is very fine with what he got, but you do not seem to be fine at all with it.

Customer:

When I ask him if it is because he is not attracted to me anymore, he just says no that's not it at all. He says that he is always tired and just doesn't feel like being intimate. I asked him to go see a dr. to get help, but he refuses.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are the only one who knows what you feel, want and need and expect for your life. Then you are the only one with the power and responsibility to set and keep clear healthy limits and boundaries, otherwise further neglect/abuse would be enabled and perpetuated. Even people who have two full time jobs and those who are physically disabled could and do have a normal and fulfilling sexual life, from romance and emotional intimacy, to passion and healthy sex. Then if your husband tells you such an excuse and then refuses to see a doctor, it's obvious he is not being honest towards you, and that he does not care and is unwilling to take any responsibility about it, and that's shocking and overwhelmingly painful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then we get back to the same point. You choose if you wan and can afford a life long marriage like this or not, once no matter what you do, it does not depend on you but on him, as everything related to a mature committed couple.

Customer:

this is a message I sent to him and his reply:

Customer:

I wrote this weeks ago but u have had so much going on that I just decided it best to keep it to myself. But because I die inside a little more each day, I want to tell you something that is totally consuming my mind: I promised myself that I would never live like this again. Our relationship is deteriorating. Our marriage kinda sucks! U don't even kiss me goodnight most of the time anymore. There is very little affection from u at all. Its been 5 MONTHS since the last time we made love and the only reason we did then is because I asked u to. In the whole time of our relationship, 2 1/2 years, you have not once initiated sex. I think if it were up to you, it would never happen! I feel very lonely! I want to be kissed and snuggled and touched and to feel wanted! I want a sexual relationship with my husband!!!!! I'm tired of bringing this up to u and u just ignore it. I'm tired of crying almost every night cause I feel so lonely. I know I'm not the only thing in ur life, but it seems more and more that u couldn't care less if I'm in ur life or not. If u want me in ur life, then make the effort to prove it. I use to get five to ten text messages during the day from u, then it dropped to one or two and then to nothing at all. U bareley talk to me much except for small talk. I wish u were as affectionate as u were when we were dating. I miss so much what we use to share. If this is something u don't want anymore then just be honest and tell me! I can't understand things unless u tell me how u feel and tell me the truth! I need honest communication from u of what's going on in ur mind. I can't work this out by myself, a marriage is made of two not just one. I'm getting tired of trying alone!!! I'm tired of being just a room mate. We are drifting in opposite directions and I can't fix that by myself. It sucks! It makes me very sad. Why did u bring me into ur life? What purpose do I serve here? To share everything together? ...u share very little of yourself. U keep almost everything inside and are very guarded. Probably shouldn't send this but just had to tell u how I feel...


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me read it

Customer:

his reply: i love you i get so busy and caught up with that
stupid job and its problems i am not making up reasons i know i ve been distant
its all my fault. I will try to be better about us. Us is all that matters.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were perfectly assertive!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But this is always the same version, right, few words like those and then nothing changes, but the same story. This is obviously unacceptable and very insensitive and abusive I would say because of the level of neglect and how he dismisses the pain he has created and fueled all this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have confronted him, being very real, honest, direct and consistent with what you need, want and deserve, offering to work on it together as a real couple. This is the best anybody in your situation could do about it, but now you need to be consistent taking actions to take truly good care of yourself if you truly do not feel good about it and believe this is not the life partnership you want for the several decades you still have to live.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

is there anything else I can do besides end the relationship?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Marriage therapy/counseling, and if he is also unwilling to do that, you could work on yourself and coping with it with individual psychotherapeutic support to find out what else and for how long you could cope with it and afford the consequences and impact it has on yourself and life.

Customer:

ok, thank you so much for your time and advise.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I will keep alert to see if it gets released, and if that happens I will immediately reply to you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not rate this question to leave the chat option available for you to get a live answer when possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and for your account not to be charged too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry, it is unblocked now, you could try rating again. Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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