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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I need help in figuring out what I need to do. I am currently

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I need help in figuring out what I need to do. I am currently unemployed. I have worked on and off since the beginning of 2009 after which I lost my job that I had for 8 years. I have since had to accept temporary positions which only last a specific time. I have been sending many resumes and applications with no results. Since 2009 I told my wife that I need help with the bills and until this day I am waiting for her to help. I have asked and asked but she is somehow oblivious to the financial situation in the house which I can’t understand. In 2009 when I asked for help, she decided to go to nursing school and work part time, contributing nothing to the household bills. That was her help. She finished her program in 2011 and looked for and found part time work only, just enough to pay for her personal bills. For some reason I was not able to obtain any position in 2009 other than a temp job which was from Feb-Mar. We have a rather large house which generates high bills. At the time we had two rental properties which did not generate much in terms of net income due the age of the properties and the lack of tenants paying consistently, etc. After realizing that my wife was not going to help, I had to divert rents from the properties to our household bills which obviously spelled doom for the properties but I had no choice. As time lapsed the mortgages and taxes became past due. The banks began the foreclosure processes at the end of 2011, and other creditors related to the properties were demanding payments which I did not have so I filed for bankruptcy pro se. The properties were given back to the banks January of 2013 because I did not want to go through the foreclosure process. Our bills were about $3500-$4000 per month and unemployment was not able to cover those bills. I found program that would help with the mortgage reducing the monthly bills by $1600. My wife began to contribute in August and September of 2012 in amount of $900 total. To date including the later part of 2012, my wife has contributed less than $3500. She has three part time jobs which adds up to 16-32 hours a week depending on how much she wants to work. So she works when she wants to and no more and is not looking for full time employment like me. I am at my wits end right now and don’t know what to do. I always thought that if I am having difficulties my wife would step it up until I am able to secure meaningful employment as I have done and continue to do since we were married but that is not the case. If I talk about bills she gets defensive so I don’t talk I just do what I have to do. I have borrowed from my insurance policy, my mutual fund was wiped out. I really want out of this relationship at this moment because I see the way she is and I don’t like it. It is not just the financial end although that was my focus. She disrespects me, undermines me, dismisses me and I don’t appreciate it. Things like going on trips with friends and not letting me know until she leaves or leaving me notes letting me know she went on a trip with her friend. Not telling me she was pregnant and finding out from her father, taking my daughter out school to home school her without speaking with me about it, brainwashing my oldest daughter against me, talking about me to her family and allowing her father to talk about me negatively to my daughter in my house, and the list goes on. The only thing that is keeping from leaving are my two children, whom I love very much and my employment situation. I would really appreciate any help with this. Maybe I am irrational and should be doing something differently. Thanks.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you.

You have clearly defined the situation and although it is only your side of the story, I give it great credibility and understand that this reflects the real situation.

I do not yet understand why your wife is the way she is, but she is unrealistic, irresponsible, passively aggressive, and seems to be enabled by her family, particularly her father, who may be the reason that she is so terribly spoiled and is letting your family fall to pieces economically and spiritually.

You are not irrational about trying to stop the financial bleeding, and not about considering ending your marriage with this woman, who is in no way your partner.

The first things you should do is to further reduce any economic hemorrhaging by getting a less expensive residence, it that is possible. Then find the best attorney you can who can handle divorce and custody issues for you. I see a battle looming.

She does not care about you or your family but only about herself. I don't know enough about her to know if this is narcissism or bi-polar disorder or delusional thinking, but it certainly is not something that will serve as a basis for your continued relationship or the success of your family.

Unless she changes radically, which means first recognizing she has a problem and then dealing with it (which means poor prospects at changing, at this point), then ending the relationship may be the best you can do.

It is essential to get a good legal opinion, as possible outcomes will affect your decision making process.

If I can be of further help on this question, please do not hesitate to get back to me. I am with you on this, and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.