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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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what can I do, when my spouse and I have an argument about

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what can I do, when my spouse and I have an argument about something, I try to make him understand where I am coming from, my way of thinking since I am so sensitive but when I do he seems to still take it wrong and does not want to even bother discussing it and if it continues on than it gets way of proportion until I give in and apologize about everything, for instance he was able to go back to work after 2 months of workmans comp, they had made arrangements Friday 11/7 for what run he was going to take and everything and than he made his therapy appontments accordingly to that the next day his employer told him that he is going to be doing a different run and he could always change his appointments, now with this change, I wont have no time with my husband, when he will be home is when I have to work, I work nights so I will be sleeping days, getting up and within 2 hrs heading to work and my husband states to me that he is upset about this but his actions and attitude does not seem it, he states that there is nothing he can do if he doesn't do it than he will get fired, he still is on workmans comp, just released for full work, I guess what is bothering me he seems to put me last on his list I mean when he told me about it started an argument between us, he never seems to break down I am always the one to give in and accept everything, I tried to tell him to call the owner and explain all this to him and he says he would but by the tone of his voice I feel he just says it to please me but in actualality he doesn't care if he spends much time, he appears to appreaciate his employer, being a trucker and all before me, I feel I am just a thing in his life so he doesn't have to grow old alone but than he is quick to say tha he doesn't care if we get a divorce and than he turns around and trys to please me and say I love you, what do I do and what do I believe, I know one thing I love this guy and will do anything to please I feel he is the best thing in my life since my family really doesn't accept me to much, my older sister lives 30 mins away we haven't talked or seen one another for 8 months my parents I know love me but for one instance when they come to florida they never stay with me they either stay with my sister, or friends like yesterday my mom called me iin the am and asked me for supper since they would be leaving in 2 days she said she would call me by 12-2 to let me know time and restraint well at 5 pm she calls, tells me the restraint and that they will wait 30 mins to give me time to get there I live 1 hr away, I kept asking my mom why she didn't call me earlier, she said she forgot, when I got to the restraint they were in a large booth like 2 booths in one, my nephew, there friend and them were all on one side already eating an appetizer so I had one side of the booth to myself, that was the first they got a hold of me since they been down and didn't even try to see me or make plans with me for the next day and I am the only child that will look out for them and do anything for them and I feel I am being mistreated, as for my husband also, I feel I have to do what they want and what he wants or it just creates problems if I even want to change it to maybe make me happy, I love everyone but so tired and I don't want to be alone I feel there has to be something I can do to change things to make me happier and but stay with everyone (husband)
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 10 months ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer, thank you for requesting me. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm very sorry to hear that you and your husband don't appear to have much time together and also that he doesn't appear to show much effort in trying to resolve the issue. Your family too, don't seem to see how much you might be needing them right now. You sound very much like you're needing love and attention from all concerned and you're not receiving any support from any of them.

It seems you're asking what can be done as you have already tried to talk to them and not been very successful. I'm wondering how you could perhaps try different approaches to communication with your husband. I'm wondering what it is that you might try at this stage - I wonder if he truly understands how you are really feeling and whether writing to him or arranging to meet in a mutual environment such as with a therapist/counselor could help you both to try and find a solution to move forwards. This might also be about arranging one day in particular in your diaries whereby you meet and spend time together, could this be a starting point for you both? Sometimes people get stuck in circumstances they feel unable to change nor control and perhaps your husband feels stuck in a situation he cannot manoeuvre easily out of at present.

Here are a couple of links for counselors and you can find one local to you by entering your zip code: http://www.psychologytoday.com/

Another website where you can search for counselors: http://www.nbcc.org/counselorfind

In terms of family, it feels as though they're not aware of how their actions leave you feeling isolated and disconnected from them, hence leaving you feeling so lonely and misunderstood. If you have a particular member within the family you feel comfortable talking to, perhaps you could arrange to meet and talk through these feelings with them. It may need one person within the family that you can try and re-engage with which could make it easier for you, potentially leading up to making you feel stronger internally and which could help you work through your circumstances with your husband too.

Communication is key in both situations so I encourage you to consider different ways to try communicating with both family and your husband, with your husband it feels important to not blame one another but find a middle ground and a counselor could help you both achieve this. With family, it really is to try and help them understand how it hurts that you don't feel they understand your pain.

I truly do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 10 months ago.


I have already tried talking to everyone, they just blame me and say its all in my head, my husband is the same, I really don't have no one in the family that I could talk to or reconnect to, I am alone through family and marriage, he is a truckdriver and loves the road and is ok with the little time he gets home, me on the other hand would like more time but I can accept at least like a couple days a week but now I wont even get that, he said that couple of months when he was off for workmans comp his job is considering enough hometime and he has to do what they say, he cant go to them and discuss nothing and he wont either, so I feel like he doesn't think to much of me to want to go to his employer and make different arrangements, I know he could try but he wont,

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 10 months ago.
Hi there L,

I hear what you are saying and feel that if your husband is not interested then it feels as though your needs are different to his and this is where the problem will be for you both, he needs to understand that you would like more time from him, if he doesn't see this as important you will need to re-evaluate your relationship - I know this may not be what you want to hear, but you may have to face the fact that you are left with little choice and he needs to understand this.

Your family do not appear to understand what you are going through and I feel for you that they cannot see your agony and loneliness, all you can do with family is try to arrange social events and take a more proactive approach with them - such as organizing a meal yourself or other similar social scenarios. Perhaps they will feel more able to connect with you if they see a more positive and proactive you. Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain with family.

With your husband, if he cannot see how much you are hurting he needs to be made aware and one of the ways to do this is by organizing a counselor for yourself (if couple counseling feels too impossible at present) and beginning to become stronger within yourself. From here you might find the strength to think of ways forward for your happiness. This may well be with or without your partner in the future, but until you try a new avenues of support for yourself you will continue feeling stuck and unable to move from your difficult situation.

My best to you, don't give up on love or your happiness but do ensure you begin by thinking about what YOU need.

Karin

Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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