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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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hi Kate, its been a while. I hope all is okay with your family.

Customer Question

hi Kate, its been a while. I hope all is okay with your family. Speaking of family, I have a family thanksgiving question. If you have time.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 8 months ago.

Hi, I'm Josie and I am a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when she is back online.

If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

That was nice of you. No rush, and appreciate that.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
Hi Dee! Good to hear from you. What is going on?

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

hi Kate, Hope all is ok with you. I Mean that. I felt a little awkward when my son asked me if we are doing Thanksgiving at my house. Because I am recognizing how unhealthy this marriage is for me and I am distancing myself, I told him that I'm not even sure if I will be here in the house. Yet, I asked him if he wants to be here. He said not if its that bad and I can always go to my girlfriends house. since my own illness, my husband does a lot of the work during the holiday but the atmosphere is very tense. he will look like the benevolent provider by doing the holiday work which is to me is simply a facade. I just don't want to subject myself to a tense environment and have the kids over as if it was one big happy family. I would prefer them to see my husband on their own accord and to see me separately. Even if we do it in the same house. Am I being inflexible?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX doing well. I appreciate you asking :)

It is not inflexible at all to want to stay as far away from your husband as you can. And it is also ok to tell your son that you are not sure about Thanksgiving and that you want have things for separate. You are going through a very difficult time trying to sort out an abusive situation and juggle all the issues that go with such a relationship. And one of the best things you can do for yourself in an abusive situation is to remove yourself emotionally and eventually, physically. As long as your husband refuses to see his part in the abuse and won't work with you to get help, then you have little choice but to put yourself first and protect yourself. And eventually your son will need to understand that.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I see, since my husband wont work with me to make things better, and if I dont want to pretend happy family, that's acting in my best interest, as my choices are limited. I think my son should understand that. Is their anything he said to me that indicated he wouldnt understand (my son)? After all, he asked me the agenda for the holiday , and not my husband. But I wouldn't be surprised if my husband takes it upon himself to tell the kids what time he will have turkey ready, assuming business as usual. Then at the table, he would feel like a patriarch, and I will wish I was somewhere else.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
Your son seems to have thought out his plans, asking you first (which indicates he feels you are the one who would be the best person to ask between you and your husband) then deciding as a back up plan to go to his girlfriend's home. That seems to indicate that he does not intend to ask your husband about Thanksgiving at this point (he could change his mind but he seems sure for now).

Your husband could tell the kids that he has plans, but your son already knows your feelings about Thanksgiving so he will need to consider if he wants to spend the holiday with your husband without you or instead with his girlfriend. It is likely, given the tension, he will probably choose his girlfriend.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Wheew, very good anaysis Kate. I feel much better about this sticky situation and will keep you updated. Thanks for the chat.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
Anytime, Dee! Let me know how it goes. You are in a tough place and I know this is not easy. But you are doing well. Take care of yourself as you can. You deserve it.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Thank you for support and empathy.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
You are very welcome! I hope you have a good night.

Kate

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