How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3032
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Rafael, My friend, during a casual conversation said

Resolved Question:

Rafael, My friend, during a casual conversation said that my contact to the investment advisor was wrong because I was not paying him for the service. I told her I felt uncomfortable about it, but will send him a thank you note. Now I feel she was being judgemental, and it hurt my feelings. True, I like honesty, so is this just a case of just not hearing what I wanted to hear, or was she being judgemental? Remember, we spoke about this, and you thought it wasnt so wrong calling him again. She knew I felt bad about contacting him, so she didnt make me feel much better when she told me it wasn't advisable. 

Submitted: 5 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 5 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you feel judged by your friend, once you already felt uncomfortable about it. Each person and each friend could have a very different opinion about the very same scenario, depending on their personality, personal issues, biases, experiences, and intentions. Thus as you could see this is very subjective and the impact it could have on you mostly depends on how you take it. This simple and frustrating situation could be very helpful for you to understand how many things work. This way even when people could have a good intention but were as mean or judgmental, like in this case, you will not feel comfortable, not because she was really judgmental or mean, but because you perceived that way.On the other hand people could have very negative intentions, wanting to hurt you, but even then you would only feel hurt if you make it personal. As you can see, ultimately it depends on how you take things, no matter other people's intentions or words.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Of course it is important to know who really care, and who don't. Since it's based on that understanding that you know who are being respectful and supportive and who are not, for you to set boundaries, confront negative behaviors and develop healthy friendships.

Customer:

Right. A part of me wondered if it was because I told her the young man at our house who did some work was very heavy, had labored breathing, and was sweating profusely. Then after I said it, I remembered she too is very heavy.

Customer:

So she was being disrespectful and unsupportive? I understand fully about perception

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's challenging when you are learning these skills, because it's so easy to be codependent and feel hurt when people are not the way we expect them to be, or when they happen to be neglectful, mean or when they fell to pay enough attention to the way they express their opinion and feelings.

Customer:

Im confused about co dependent sorry.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then, it could be just that; she felt uncomfortable with the way you described this person, she could have identified herself with him, what could be a good example of how your words without having any negative intention, were perceived by her as being mean. Thus she could have reacted in such judgmental way, because of how uncomfortable she felt. Do you see how easy it is to make assumptions and to feel hurt whether those words were or were not intentionally directed to you with the emotional charge you perceive them.

Customer:

Yes, considering I already felt vulnerable about calling him, she didnt lighten the load by saying I did the wrong thing . Perhaps support and respect would have been a more empathetic response

Customer:

Yes, something in my description made her feel uncomfortable you are sayiing

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you, and think she felt uncomfortable when you described this person's physical appearance, feeling judged herself by your words.

Customer:

Okay, thanks. Oops . Gotta watch my words

Customer:

She even said...... was I sweating when you saw me? I said no.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please read any good book about codependency, like "Codependent No More", for you to better understand and work on it.

Customer:

Am I co dependent?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You see, it's obvious that she felt very offended.

Customer:

Whst makes me co dependent please

Customer:

Okay, that makes sense

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's something you need to explore, reflecting on the ways you feel and react, and on how you develop relationships.

Customer:

You can be direct, do t worry.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would be very good if you could read this book or other similar and make notes. Then if you have any questions or want further insight you could contact me and we could talk about it.

Customer:

I dont mind reading this book, but will pay for it if Ihave a basis for it. Your professional opinion (s) do not or will not offend me. Im open so its okay to say your observations with me.

Customer:

Ive read books for co dependency and see no relation to them, at least not in my marital elationship

Customer:

Particularly being with a narcissit, I Am not actually co dependent

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Don't worry, I do always do that.

Customer:

Would be easy to be one, but I dont fit the description of mot knowing where I begin and the other ends. I feel complete without my husband and try to avoid phsychological games and manipulation. I welcome change and growth and dont fear it

Customer:

Frie

Customer:

You always do that, sorry I dont follow what you mean

Customer:

But thanks for answering my question

Customer:

well I may fear it, but dont avoid it, change and growth

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, take the time to reflect on what we discussed tonight and feel free to contact me again if you have any questions.

Customer:

No questions. I just dont see othe codependency connection, but thanks for answering my question

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3032
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency