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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael, My friend, during a casual conversation said

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Rafael, My friend, during a casual conversation said that my contact to the investment advisor was wrong because I was not paying him for the service. I told her I felt uncomfortable about it, but will send him a thank you note. Now I feel she was being judgemental, and it hurt my feelings. True, I like honesty, so is this just a case of just not hearing what I wanted to hear, or was she being judgemental? Remember, we spoke about this, and you thought it wasnt so wrong calling him again. She knew I felt bad about contacting him, so she didnt make me feel much better when she told me it wasn't advisable. 


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you feel judged by your friend, once you already felt uncomfortable about it. Each person and each friend could have a very different opinion about the very same scenario, depending on their personality, personal issues, biases, experiences, and intentions. Thus as you could see this is very subjective and the impact it could have on you mostly depends on how you take it. This simple and frustrating situation could be very helpful for you to understand how many things work. This way even when people could have a good intention but were as mean or judgmental, like in this case, you will not feel comfortable, not because she was really judgmental or mean, but because you perceived that way.On the other hand people could have very negative intentions, wanting to hurt you, but even then you would only feel hurt if you make it personal. As you can see, ultimately it depends on how you take things, no matter other people's intentions or words.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Of course it is important to know who really care, and who don't. Since it's based on that understanding that you know who are being respectful and supportive and who are not, for you to set boundaries, confront negative behaviors and develop healthy friendships.

Customer:

Right. A part of me wondered if it was because I told her the young man at our house who did some work was very heavy, had labored breathing, and was sweating profusely. Then after I said it, I remembered she too is very heavy.

Customer:

So she was being disrespectful and unsupportive? I understand fully about perception

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's challenging when you are learning these skills, because it's so easy to be codependent and feel hurt when people are not the way we expect them to be, or when they happen to be neglectful, mean or when they fell to pay enough attention to the way they express their opinion and feelings.

Customer:

Im confused about co dependent sorry.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then, it could be just that; she felt uncomfortable with the way you described this person, she could have identified herself with him, what could be a good example of how your words without having any negative intention, were perceived by her as being mean. Thus she could have reacted in such judgmental way, because of how uncomfortable she felt. Do you see how easy it is to make assumptions and to feel hurt whether those words were or were not intentionally directed to you with the emotional charge you perceive them.

Customer:

Yes, considering I already felt vulnerable about calling him, she didnt lighten the load by saying I did the wrong thing . Perhaps support and respect would have been a more empathetic response

Customer:

Yes, something in my description made her feel uncomfortable you are sayiing

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you, and think she felt uncomfortable when you described this person's physical appearance, feeling judged herself by your words.

Customer:

Okay, thanks. Oops . Gotta watch my words

Customer:

She even said...... was I sweating when you saw me? I said no.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please read any good book about codependency, like "Codependent No More", for you to better understand and work on it.

Customer:

Am I co dependent?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You see, it's obvious that she felt very offended.

Customer:

Whst makes me co dependent please

Customer:

Okay, that makes sense

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's something you need to explore, reflecting on the ways you feel and react, and on how you develop relationships.

Customer:

You can be direct, do t worry.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would be very good if you could read this book or other similar and make notes. Then if you have any questions or want further insight you could contact me and we could talk about it.

Customer:

I dont mind reading this book, but will pay for it if Ihave a basis for it. Your professional opinion (s) do not or will not offend me. Im open so its okay to say your observations with me.

Customer:

Ive read books for co dependency and see no relation to them, at least not in my marital elationship

Customer:

Particularly being with a narcissit, I Am not actually co dependent

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Don't worry, I do always do that.

Customer:

Would be easy to be one, but I dont fit the description of mot knowing where I begin and the other ends. I feel complete without my husband and try to avoid phsychological games and manipulation. I welcome change and growth and dont fear it

Customer:

Frie

Customer:

You always do that, sorry I dont follow what you mean

Customer:

But thanks for answering my question

Customer:

well I may fear it, but dont avoid it, change and growth

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, take the time to reflect on what we discussed tonight and feel free to contact me again if you have any questions.

Customer:

No questions. I just dont see othe codependency connection, but thanks for answering my question

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