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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1475
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My Ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost a year ago to date,

Customer Question

My Ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost a year ago to date, now He's getting, shall we say 'quite friendly' with the person I thought was my best friend.

I did not want to break up but He said He wasn't ready for that serious of a relationship
(I don't even know what He meant by that we never even hugged or held hands or anything all we did was Text) & then not even 6 months later He starts making advances on my best friend & I just feel betrayed by the two closest people in my lives.

I've really tried to be a big girl & deal with it but I feel like I'm dying on the inside.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Customer :

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Customer :

Any advice?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you truly attached and expected a good experience while dating for those months, even when it was limited to exclusively texting, but it is clear he did not feel the same as you, and was not that open and honest in order not to hurt you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you know what truly happened, and for sure it is shocking, I would say overwhelming for most people in your shoes to feel betrayed by boyfriend and best friend, it is tough.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you talked to her about it?

Customer :

No, I haven't. I don't know what to say or how to say it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you said she is your best friend, right?

Customer :

She was, but she doesn't talk to me anymore & its like pulling teeth to get her to text me back.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, and how did your friendship ended, was because of this issue?

Customer :

I assume so, I was really depressed for the first few months & she slowly got more & more distant.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you are not longer friend for this or any other serious reason, then I do not see how it could help you to talk to her, unless you want to confront her for her behaviors since eh was not respectful and honest towards you about it. Many times people do need to vent and be clear about their experiences as part of their healing process, even when it hurts and is very challenging, while other people do not feel comfortable with it, set their boundaries and choose to vent and process their pain with other truly caring people's support or through counseling or psychotherapy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For sure I would never suggest anybody in your shoes to try to get back to a person like him nor to try to become his friend, once you feel this hurt, and he chose to be this uncaring about your and your feelings. Attaching ,ore to him would not hep your healing process for sure.

Customer :

I see what you mean. It just baffles me that he did this cause it was him who pursued me & he was even talking about what he wanted in a Wife & He said he loved me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Forgetting something that happened and was painful could not help either> I do not mean that you need to remind yourself every moment about it at all, bu that both, denial/repression and attachment to what is unhealthy/painful could not help. Much better for you to fully acknowledge your pain, reality and work on healing form it taking consistent assertive actions to help you to be and feel better.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, he used words and feelings in a very neglectful and manipulative way, since it is not acceptable to say certain things when having shared so little and knowing how much attachment and expectations one could trigger or fuel in the other person, it could become very abusive and destructive, becomes very hurtful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you attached and expect so much from this person while still not truly knowing him well, since you did not share enough and he was not being truly open and honest towards you, and without that, even after years of sharing, situations like this could happen. It is very unfortunate but it is real, and that's why you need to choose to take good care of yourself, to heal and grow from it; you do not need further pain.

Customer :

I knew him for 3 years before we started dating, but I see your point & no more pain would be great.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please focus on your healing process, with all the support you could get from your healthy family members and good friends, and ideally with counseling or psychotherapy. You need and deserve to heal and enjoy happiness and fulfillment in your life, an d it is time to work on it, to make it real. Please take consistent action.

Customer :

What do you mean by consistent action?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I mean not exposing to what is unhealthy, from obsessing about him, or around what is unhealthy or helpless, and focusing on those activities, experiences and people who are truly healthy, caring and supportive in your life, besides of getting to work on your healing process with counseling support.

Customer :

Ok.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have further questions or to follow up, OK?

Customer :

Ok, thank you for your time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

Customer :

You to. Bye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry, could you please provide some feedback about your rating?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As I said I am here to support you in a respectful and professional manner and am open to answer any further questions you may have, just as I did before.

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