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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3036
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Two years ago I dated a guy for a couple of months then he

Resolved Question:

Two years ago I dated a guy for a couple of months then he broke it off. We have now become the closest of friends. We are soul mates & love each others company so much. We keep in touch regularly & catch up quite often too. We always have a great time & love doing things together.
The problem is that I'm still in love with him. He knows how I feel but mostly we don't discuss it & he has never taken advantage of my feelings. I try to date other guys thinking it will help my love to dissipate , but my hearts not in it & I always compare them to him as no one interests me as much as he does. I don't know what to do because sometimes it's so painful being in love with my best friend & it being no more than that.
Friends have told me I should not see him anymore so that I can get over him but that feels like I'd be cutting off a limb. I don't want to lose what we have but what we have is not enough....
Submitted: 5 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 5 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation

Customer:

Hi Rafael thank you for attending to my situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you find yourself facing this painful reality

Customer:

It is very painful...today I have cried nearly all day...other days I'm fine

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is tough because it's been two years since you dated for a couple of months and you are still this strongly attached to him, while he is not. Coudl you tell me more about those months you were dating, what happened and how it ended?

Customer:

Our 2 months together were actually pretty good, a time of getting to know each other etc. It was all new of course & a learning time but we seemed pretty happy together & I thought we had a future. Then suddenly he ended it. I had no idea he was going to end it. I was shocked. Even today I really don't understand why he ended it, he said a few things that I thought could be resolved but he was determined to not continue he said it didn't feel right to do so. Then over the course of the next few months we started our friendship....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, and he has never then clearly and honesty told you why he did end your relationship they way he did, and which e are the concrete reasons-issues for him not to feel-hope any more than friendship between you now?

Customer:

He said things like - my daughter argued with him, my other daughter was special needs & would live with me forever, my ex was moving back to the country & it made him feel uncomfortable - reasons to me that didn't seem like they couldn't be addressed. Then about a year later he was talking to a friend of mine & told her it was his fault that things didn't work between us but I don't know any more than that. It's all so long ago now it's not very clear. All I know now is that I just don't seem to be able to move on from him....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you just described about everything going very good during those tow months of dating , and then he suddenly ending it without allowing you the chance to even process his sudden and shocking decision is very concerning, because it is absolutely inconsistent with the caring and even respect that you were sharing... I see, then this is what he told you after ending it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

While you obviously felt these were all concerns you could work on, he was literally telling you he was not willing to be in a long term relaitonship with you because of your daughters and your ex-husband coming back from abroad...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can tell you that for some people, a boyfriend or girlfriend having children could be a big challenge or concerns, and some times, even when children could be nice and totally fine, they are unwilling to take any responsibility about them, since exclusively interested in dating and romance but nit on all the responsibilities raising a family demands

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then even when you enjoy hi much each others' company, it's obvious you do not have the level of intimacy, mutual trust and respect to the point of openly discuss and work on this essential issue between you, and that for you to fuel further expectations while attaching to him, when he is unable and unwilling to be even empathetic, caring and supportive about your reality, would not help you but just deepen your pain and create further suffering,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When the love you experience is very strong and lasting but exposes you to suffer, not to take good care of yourself and life, of your reality and its core needs and longing, but to attach to an illusion it is obvious that it's become an addictive and unhealthy love, which must be confronted as such, otherwise you would self-sabotage and enable further self-neglect and exposure to be used by this person. I say this, because he very well know what happened before, and how you still feel today, and chooses to keep this distance while allowing and promoting further attachment, which is very selfish and incompatible with real caring towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A real good friend, does not hurt you, nor does anything to undermine your mental and emotional health, your life and well-being, but he is right there feeling totally fine with it, since ti does work for him, he feels good with it, while he has his own personal life to build and enjoy, while you neglect your life and happiness because of attaching to this person, who is unable and unwilling to even respect you and your situation, setting healthy and necessary boundaries for you not to hurt yourself even more.

Customer:

I understand what you are saying however I don't know how to move on from here. I don't know how to heal or recover from these feelings. You mention boundaries. Friends have said I need to cut contact with him...that's why I've been crying all day. The thought of not having him in my life even as a friend is just too painful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This person has not been a healthy friend for sure, because of what you described and what I just mentioned here. You have tried this hard and feel overwhelmed by it, then it is obvious to me that you need to get adequate support to be able to rehabilitate from this unhealthy attachment-love, in order to take good care of yourself and life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Psychotherapy is the ideal source of support for anybody facing tough life issues n having problems coping with them, to be able to work on herself and make real and necessary changes, to heal and grow from what is painful, otherwise you would get worse with time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Individual psychotherapy should be complemented by group therapy or a support group. This way you would ensure you really rehabilitate from it with the best support you could get.

Customer:

I have not thought of psychotherapy for this situation, I guess I should consider it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do so, since you have been feeling overwhelmed by it, your are actually suffering a lot, being this emotionally vulnerable and labile, and this is affecting your life a lot, which should not be allowed; you need and deserve to be and feel healthy, happy and fulfilled in your life, not to suffer this much at all

Customer:

Yes I will look into getting some professional help....it's time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, remember that your first need, right and responsibility is to take respect, understand, love and support yourself, in order to take good care of yourself, and of those you love, your children. From there you would know how to and never allow anybody to use, abuse, manipulate or neglect you, in obvious or subtle ways.

Customer:

I'm tired of being tortured by these feelings, it gets me down. I will find someone that can help me through this....I need to move on more positively with my life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet you do need to start taking consistent actions to rebuild your reality while rehabilitating from this very unhealthy and painful relationship.

Customer:

Thank you Rafael. I'm going to google & see who is in my area that can help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do so as soon as possible, and feel free to contact me to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible, and in case you could not find a good match and want to try online counseling, just let me know and I would love to support you that way too through a confidential interface.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX first look for someone I can visit in person, that's my preference.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect. I support you. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

I will....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. Bye.

Customer:

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3036
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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