How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
54658078
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im a 58-year-old single man and my best friend/buddy is 60.

Resolved Question:

I'm a 58-year-old single man and my best friend/buddy is 60. She recently moved in to my place because of her personal problem. We've known each other for over a year and we're very close. Both come from completely different life styles and she had wonderful,XXXXX XXXXXfe through 2 previous marriages. We do just about everything together except sex. She always says to me she loves me as a friend but I know she treats me more than just a friend. I mentioned that to her before and she knows it. I have a feeling for her though this feeling is not intense at all. We had a good talk about our unique and deep friendship recently. She clearly said that she loves me and cares about me as a friend but I could not be her significant other. She had a high standard for her significant other. However,she thinks that I'm a diamond in the rough and all I need is someone to polish it so that I could be a shinning diamond. I think she wants me to elevate myself to her level and certainly I can use her( she also urged me to do) to learn some quality things from her. I told her that most men in my age would never bother to do it and that they would not want to change themselves and that I'm just an ordinary guy. She strongly disagreed that if I were just an ordinary man, she wouldn't be with me even for her friend. She believes that I have some good qualities in me that most men today don't have. So I have a few problems here. If I want to date someone and if she finds out that I have a live-in female friend she will most likely to say ,"No Thankyou!" So I think I need to keep a little distance from her because I don't want get attached to her. I did that before and she noticed it and she didn't like it. Right now she's out of town and when she called me she said," I miss you a lot!" ..." I don't know what I would do without you." I know her well so she didn't lie about her feelings. But I'm just her good friend. I guess only time will tell how this relationship evolve? By the way she's coming to my family's Thanksgiving dinner.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your friend is the one setting all of the parameters of your relationship without much if any input from you. It seems like she is the one dictating what she feels needs to happen and that includes treating you like a partner but still keeping you at a distance.

What you might want to do is to decide what you want from this relationship. Do you feel you want to stay friends? If so, what does that look like to you? (writing your thoughts down can help a lot) Do you feel friends are ok loving each other and changing each other? It is fine if you do, but you need to know what you feel is acceptable and comfortable to you, not just to her.

Once you know what you want out of your relationship with her, then talk to her about it. So for example if you feel that you want more than just a friendship, let her know. But if you are ok with just a friendship, then tell her what you feel you want your relationship to be like. For example, would you feel better having her move out so you can keep some distance? Or do you feel better having her there with you?

Also, decide what you want out of your own life. Your friend suggests changing you because you are a "diamond in the rough". But do you agree? Do you feel you want to change according to what she wants you do be? Again, it is fine if you do or if you don't. What is important here is that you feel you are in charge of your life and that you are getting what you need from this relationship.

If you can work through answering these questions and you can develop an idea of what you need to make this relationship work, then it can make it easier to know what the boundaries are and what works for you both, rather than just one of you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency