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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi there I am on the brink of no return in my marriage and

Resolved Question:

Hi there

I am on the brink of no return in my marriage and I need advise desperately. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and we have two wonderful kids aged 10 and 1. We get along so well and we have the perfect relationship except for one thing that is ruining everything and that is sex. My husband is very much into sex and for him he says sex is the closest that he feels he can get to me and I have come to a point where I have totally lost my sex drive. me on the other hand feels that sex should come as a bonus, we should cuddle, hug, kiss and love each other and then if it turns to the bedroom, then great.This is the only thing we ever fight about, everything else we work out except for this issue. I have hurt him so much already with all the things I said and done and I have broken him down to a point where he has given up and said we should just drop sex completely because after all we are just living together. I love my husband dearly and I really don't want to loose him, but I don't know what to do to get my spark back and to keep it there in order to keep my husband. He really is the best and does everything in his power to keep me happy, he helps around the house, he makes supper, he helps with the kids, he really is the perfect husband, but after all of this I still cannot keep him happy in bed. Its always a struggle, I sit and think I better get in the mood so we can have sex otherwise my husband will get upset because its been too long again, I really don't have the urge to have sex. I am very difficult to make the first moves, as long as things are going great and its all smiles, then I can hug and kiss and hold my husband, and be cuddly and as long as he is cuddly as well, but as soon as he stops, then its like I suddenly have a block in front of me that I dont' know how to move, I don't know what to do, then I sit and worry the whole time, did I do something wrong again to upset him that he doesn't hold me or touch me, and my mind just keeps wandering. according to him the only time we have sex is when he gets upset about it every two months, because he says that how long it takes for it to happen. I don't how long ago this started, but Its been a couple of years already, we have tried the swinging scene to spice things up, we have tried toys, but none of it really helps, I don't enjoy it, I didn't like the swinging scene, the toys don't do anything for me, my husband tried other positions, but I don't feel anything except the one position. I honestly think it has something to do with the fact that we never have alone time, if we have alone time, its 9 o clock at night in bed for those odd occasions that we do have sex. We never go out alone anywhere, we don't have friends that we visit often, every weekend we would visit the parents, but we had a major fight with the in laws, so now my parents visit us almost every weekend, we are also about to move into a house with my parents. I can't remember the last time just the two of us actually went out just for a cup of coffee together. Its always the same ritual day in and day out. I am really desperate at this point in time. please help me, I am 33, and my husband is 33 as well.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

Hello Rafael

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, thank you for replying

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX is frustrating and very emotional too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. Could you please tell me for how long have you ah this very different sexual drive and marital conflict because of it?

Customer:

I think it's more than 5 years already, and every year just got worse and worse, we would fight about it, work it out, and it will go well again for a while and then we're back in the trap,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, are you aware of what happened 5 years ago for your marital life to change this much?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is obvious from your story that time restrictions lack of the adequate setting, time and place for you to join your romance and passion as a full couple has been deeply neglected because of your circumstances, and that could have played a core part leading to this frustrating problem.

Customer:

No I'm not sure, i'm not very good at remembering things, I don't know if it actually started going downhill already after our first child and that I noticed it much later or exactly what triggered it

Customer:

I really think so too, but I also tried to explain to my husband at one point that I am not a button that you can just push for me to be in the mood, and that we need to work up to sex first, he also has tried before to ask questions and find out what turns me on and what i like, but none of it really helps if my mind is not in the right space,and I am a very stressed person as well, I worry about the littlest things,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Most times it just happens that way, many, many couples do face challenges leading to poor intimacy and neglect in their sexual lives because of life responsibilities and pressure and stress from them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Libido depends on your mood, and mental states, it is one of the most sensitive and vulnerable areas to suffer from stress or from any situation affecting you as an individual, as a couple or family.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There you have two very helpful points to work on:
1- You need to have the right setting and climate for you to feel comfortable, motivated and engaged in it
2- Reduce and control your stress level in order not to overwhelm you physically and mentally, undermining your sex drive and disposition to share while feeling comfortable too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe a key factor here literally sabotaging the whole situation is your husband's pushing, lack of more assertiveness to emotionally support you, the romantic part of it that seems to be fundamental for you to be and feel good about it, as long as having the energy and low stress level.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then this is a lot about your communication and way you develop and promote emotional intimacy, since your sexual intimacy and fulfillment depend on what you experience mentally and emotionally first, and without taking goodcare of this very ground, the sexual expereince would not ehal and flourish.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Here is a very good book that could help you: "She Comes First: the Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman".

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is sad and frustrating that he is unwilling to get necessary support from psychotherapy or counseling, so important in situations like this, once ti is a core dimension of your lives and has been impacting you this much for so long. A good sex therapist would be of optimal help for you.

Customer:

Yes I believe so, but now he says he hasn't been pushing, and then it only happens once every two months, so I said its still feels like pushing because he still gets upset about it, I still feel obligated to do it just to keep him happy, which is not right, and when I told him that, he got very upset and said he doesn't want to force me to have sex, but I want to be able to want to do it, and I don't think I will until we start to just work on getting our flame back for each other, without the pressure of "I need to have sex "

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's the way it should and need to be, otherwise it would be unhealthy, and even destructive-abusive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why it has to be about the two of you working as a real team to make this work. This is not like cooking a simple meal, this requires a lot of real mutual patience, caring, respect, empathy, gentleness, accountability, willingness, romance and passion being literally built moment by moment, day by day.

Customer:

I need to find the next step to resolve this because at the moment he doesn't want to talk about it, and its very difficult with us moving in with my parents in three weeks, I don't want them to know we are fighting again, that would just break their spirits making them think its a mistake to move in with us, I hat fighting with each other, and i'm not good at hiding my emotions which he is

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are different, women and men have very different sexual responses-mechanisms, and each individual is unique, but you are a couple, and you care about each other, then this core area should not be neglected this much any more. Both need to take initiative, being proactive and assertive, supportive instead of pushy or neglectful, offering support, love and passion instead of blaming and hurting.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Repressing your feelings, specially those of pain, avoiding or denying them would never help but fuel them even more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is obvious that this change would not be the best one for you since one of the things you need is to have the context and external conditions to work on rebuilding your passion. But if you have decided this is the best for you, then you would have to be very creative, set good boundaries to make this work while there.

Customer:

None of us well off financially, so we are trying to do this to assist them when they retire, so we can look after them, and at the moment they are helping us every now and again as well. My husband has his own business and the cash flow is not what it should be, so its a stress every month end to get everything paid.

Customer:

But I said to him maybe it will be a good thing that we will be living together now, because maybe we can make time for each other now, to go out every once in a while and leave the kids with gran

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes! That would be the best pro about this change around your sexual and romantic life, you need to set a time places and everything else for you to enjoy your marital life, since life is not only about responsibilities but about enjoying it. as much as possible, and both need to work on it as a team.

Customer:

Yes I agree, now my biggest challenge is to get him to agree to start working on it, without being upset with me, and without him thinking it's just another excuse

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please seriously consider reading previous book and for you to get sex therapy or individual psychotherapy, since that could truly help you to effectively cope, to support yourself while supporting him to become more open,, and assertive about it.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX definitely go and find the book and I will try my utmost to get him to go see someone

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The ideal scenario is for both of you to take full responsibility for this process, but since that's not the case, the best you can do is to take good care of yourself to better cope and promote his openness and willingness to try and do things in different ways, you know him, his personality, fears and preferences, you would use all that knowledge to promote this process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX do so

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good! Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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