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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been dating a guy I met online for a little over 3 months.

Resolved Question:

I have been dating a guy I met online for a little over 3 months. Our relationship moved fast, and we have already fallen in love, said "I love you" and discussed our future together. He is not exactly the guy I would have picked: I hate the way he dresses, he is 9 years older than I, is extremely sensitive, and he goes out to a bar at least once a week. He dresses horribly, and I feel awful telling him I hate his clothes. But I put in a lot of effort into my looks when we go out on dates, why can't he? Last time I confronted him he said, "Well I wouldn't change anything about you." So now I'm going to try buying him clothes that will look nice. I'm very afraid that this will start a fight, though. Is asking him to change the way he dresses too much?

I don't really mind the age thing, but he does find me annoying and immature. Sometimes I will kinda tickle him, or run my hand over his facial hair, and to get me to stop he will pinch me or dig his thumb into my ribs- which really hurts. But he will tickle me randomly and we play fight. It's fun when we play fight, but he always winds up hurting me. I've been alone for years and I'm not used to someone touching or poking me and I am easily hurt. He makes fun of me because I say ouch too often, but its true he really hurts me, even if he doesn't mean too.

I find him annoying also! He says stupid things like "Do you want to get slapped?" all the time in public and around my family. He doesn't actually hit me, as he is just joking, but it's the most annoying thing ever. I'm starting to find little things annoying also, like how long he takes to use the bathroom, and how often he checks his phone when we are together.

I like to spend time with him, and I'm always pushing that we spend more time together, but sometimes he makes excuses to not spend time with me. We spend 2 nights a week together and that's it. He doesn't like to talk on the phone that much either.

The reason I don't like him going out to bars is because I don't want to marry a man that goes out drinking all the time, leaves his wife and family at home, and comes home in a drunken rage and becomes physically abusive. I have shared this fear with him, but he could not assure me he would stop going out if we got married. He goes out at least once a week, but if he has had a stressful week he will go out almost every night. I have gone to the bar a few times to see whats so cool up there, but we usually fight, I leave, and he stays with his friends. He calls me every night before bed, and if it was a bar night, we almost always fight. He will take something I said, twist it around, get mad, threaten our relationship, and hang up on me. The next morning he will act like nothing happened, when I have spent the night angry and in tears debating our relationship. It's exhausting.

He is extremely sensitive, and I base this on his past damaging relationships. I have to be careful what I say, and it seems like I am always apologizing. We have taken a few days off in our relationship because I told him he was going to attend my sister's birthday party instead of asking. He wasn't mad when it first happened, he brought it up after he had been at the bar.

But after all that negative stuff, I know I still love him. He's a really wonderful, caring guy, and he can always make me smile. He has been looking for a new job, and I know its because he wants to be a better man for me. He is very supportive of my demanding job and motivates me all the time. We have fun together, and the sex is amazing. I don't want to end the relationship because I know it will be painful for both of us. I thought I met The One, but how do I make it work?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here shows you are two very different and not compatible persons at multiple levels

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This person is literally treating you in ways you feel not only very uncomfortable but disrespected, not supported and I would say in hurtful ways, because of his words, emotions, physical behaviors, reactions and what he is directly telling you about his ways, alcohol use and that is is unwilling to change anything including that in case you get married, and this is very clear and concerning for sure.

Customer:

So should I try to talk to him to resolve these issues?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutley

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But I am afraid that you are expecting and hoping for something that is far away from reality, since what you have described here shows a very immature, dysfunctional and abusive person who has alcohol-abuse addiction and who presents serious personality problems

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see this person being even willing t acknowledge all the serious personal issues he has and how they cause problems in the relationship, even less any willingness to take responsibility for his feelings, choices and actions and to commit to work on making real improvements

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes that does make sense. I do think that he will be unwilling to make changes or take any responsibility. I think I will try to talk to him, and if I don't see any changes, I will end it before we get too attached.

Customer:

I feel like if I end it now I'm just quitting, and ending it because I'm not happy anymore, and I think that would be superficial to give up.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do totally agree and support you, since this does not look any healthy nor truly fulfilling for you. Please be very realistic, proactive and consistent taking good care of yourself for you not to suffer even more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have been together for a short period of time, but these issues are all very serious and alarming, then please be very careful, realistic and assertive, setting your mental and emotional health, self-respect and happiness as number one priorities here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember that your first need, right and responsibility s to respect yourself, to take good care of yourself in order for you not to allow anybody to use, abuse, manipulate or neglect you, otherwise you would find your self attaching and developing "unhealthy love", because of the impact it has in your mind, heart and life.

Customer:

Thank you for putting this in perspective for me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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