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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Worked with a woman 6 or so years ago, and asked her to get

Resolved Question:

Worked with a woman 6 or so years ago, and asked her to get a drink. She said maybe. And indicated that it was probably because we worked together. Lets leave that story there.

And later with my marital divide, and other matters I look her up online. 1. She's a lawyer. 2. Thought maybe trust worthy.

So I explain to her that from National Security days, someone is keeping tabs on me (she may or probably knows about this through other sources). Nothing comes of the consultation as she couldn't really help with work present and past matters. So I leave it at that.

Now, a year later, my separated wife went nuts on me, and there's all kinds of legal problems with divorce and custody, and lawsuits and everything. One of the problems is health insurance fraud. Well,,, so the original woman I worked with is a lawyer who's firm deals in medical malpractice. So I was like, let me at least give it a try. But I didn't want to necessarily deal with her.

I call the firm, and tell them I know their associate, and then she calls me back and says to call her then or anytime during the week... Problem is, I'm very serious about consultation concerning the medical sutff, so I let a partner know at the firm, that I'm not trying to be insulting but I would prefer to deal with a partner, not someone at her level... So, I deal with partner, and set to see him next Tuesday. Problem is, I suspect fowl play there at the firm. Not sure to the level the woman is involved. But I'm about 90% sure she is and knows.

Ok, so given this. I'm also in a situation where it would be helpful to have a friend or ally apart from the legal mess I'm in. And she's a likely candidate because of her credentials and standing which would boost my position. Plus she was always pretty nice if not completely trustworthy.

Sooooo..... I'm not going to call her at the firm, because I don't want to mix business and friendships. I don't have her phone number unless I get it offline. But I do have her email address, which she may or may not read ever...

Sooooo...... After that, I'm wondering if I write her an email, how on earth could I turn her into a friend or at least an ally/associate? What would I write? (normal relations don't have all this other crap surrounding them like legal this and that)...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

Let's make sure first that I understand the situation: you want to contact her because you're personally interested in her, is that correct?

Dr. Mark :

You're not looking for her to be someone to pass on information , correct?

Dr. Mark :

Hi. The system says you're standing by but haven't entered the chat. Let me know you're in the chat by typing a hello, okay?

Customer:

okay.

Customer:

primarily want friend.. don't know what you mean by pass on information?

Dr. Mark :

I'm sorry, I was referring to your statement, "could I turn her into a friend or at least an ally/associate?"

Dr. Mark :

I wasn't clear about what you meant by ally.

Dr. Mark :

But you are looking for a male/female relationship, so that's how we'll aim our discussion, right?

Dr. Mark :

Hi, you haven't responded again after the first time; I'm responding now so the chat will stay open...

Customer:

Sorry I'm busy so responses are slow. Interested in a male/female relationship? I'm interested in being friends. I still realize she's attractive to me, but things aren't such in my life where that is even an option, and I can't say I have trust in her...

Dr. Mark :

It sounds as though life is really intricate for you right now,

Dr. Mark :

so, forgive me if I ask questions that are awkward. I don't mean to.

Dr. Mark :

I'm a bit unclear:

Dr. Mark :

how could you be friends if you don't trust her?

Dr. Mark :

What type of friendship would that be?

Customer:

Start with very little trust and then build. It's not that I don't inherently trust her, it's just that the coincidental reappearance of her in my life doesn't seem so coincidental. Otherwise, to be honest, I don't really know her now. A little then, but certainly not now. I just got her story of how she transitioned from retail to being a lawyer. It all checks out, and the last 30 minute conversation was pleasant and somewhat enjoyable. Point being, that there is a basis for friendship based upon past and current affiliation. So since, I'm happening upon her again with interaction with her law firm, I was thinking if I was to start a friendship with her, it would be now or never...

Dr. Mark :

I see. You are clearly a very intelligent man and I'm glad you've got all the complexities sorted out.

Dr. Mark :

You are unsure about the email address. Is there a way to find out what her active email address is, given that you said you could find out her phone number?

Dr. Mark :

Hi, the system says you're typing, but it has said it for a long time now. So I'm checking in...

Customer:

Well, I have the email she had on facebook, but I also have the email addresses from the background checks I have a habit of running on everyone. But there really is not way of verifying and active email address, except to say it exists. Otherwise, a person would have to send an email to that account under a different auspices and then see if it's opened. A standard email blaster program can do this and let you know if the email is opened. In which case you have a fully verified and used email address...

Dr. Mark :

I don't know that you have to go this far. You are only starting the friendship process.

Dr. Mark :

You already know that you are not sure that this will become a trusting friendship.

Dr. Mark :

And that's true whenever you first approach someone. You only know that you are going to make a start.

Dr. Mark :

Why not write to her that you were surprised to meet again, you hadn't expected to. You were actually pleasantly surprised because you remember that she is someone who is a nice person. You'd enjoy going for coffee together and spending time chatting. Would she want to meet you for coffee?

Dr. Mark :

It doesn't have to be more detailed than that. What do you think?

Customer:

Well, I do agree, the less detail probably the better. I don't think an email will hurt, cause I don't think I'll be using her law firm anyway, but even if, there's a good reason I asked to use a different lawyer there... My original thought was, in view of what I said about the semi-complex interactions, what would be recommend to write? And I guess that answer's it, but let me say a couple more things. In my dealings with other's and legal problems not related to her firm, I also accidentally called her once and said sorry wrong number, and then I texted her something (I think only one something) which was the word "NOW". I texted it to just about everyone, because I wasn't getting anyone's assistance in a crisis. She did not respond additionally, I also texted almost everyone about being assaulted and sent to the ER. I'll have to review the ER texts, cause for some reason I think this is important for a different reason... As you can see, I can go on and on (I know it's a problem of mine). Regardless, upon full review of this chat, how about I say, "It was nice to hear from you the other day. I'm talking to your partner about my legal matter. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that it was you who called me back, because I remember you as a nice person. I'd enjoy going for coffee together and spending time chatting. Would you like to meet for coffee?" <---- And if you could provide a suggestion as to how to indicate that it's a friend only thing that would be good...

Dr. Mark :

I think you came up with wonderful wording. How about "spending time chatting just for friendship's sake."

Dr. Mark :

I really do think that if you go into too much detail, then it only becomes more complicated and motives become harder to decipher. You want to let her know that you have no motive other than to chat for friendship's sake.

Dr. Mark :

So let that be what you present.

Dr. Mark :

Agreed?

Customer:

"It was nice to hear from you the other day. I'm talking to your partner about my legal matter. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that it was you who called me back, because I remember you as a nice person. I'd enjoy going for coffee together and spending time chatting just for friendship's sake. Would you like to meet for coffee?" - then I always close with "let me know" or "email me back" but I'm thinking now, simply my name after the question will suffice. Agreed?

Dr. Mark :

Let me know is a standard thing to say and not too pushy, etc. So if you like, leave it in.

Dr. Mark :

But that's a very nice email to receive.

Dr. Mark :

Wouldn't you enjoy receiving an email like that/

Dr. Mark :

or similar?

Dr. Mark :

So, I'd go with it.

Dr. Mark :

Okay?

Customer:

Yeah almost. I'll go with that for that woman. You reminded me of this other woman who, and I'll the horrid part out, wrote a "/" in a text message to me once. And I referred to it earlier. I have know idea of what missing text message me and the horrid woman have either sent or received between us. But I've heard this is some importance to it... What do you suggest about this? I found that I can't really see too many sent texts, and I have 2 phones, or maybe even a 3rd in my safety deposit box that may be relevant. I don't like needle in a haystack searches, but do you have any suggestions on this other?

Dr. Mark :

I'm sorry, I didn't understand completely. Could you clarify what you would like a suggestion about?

Customer:

It's the soon to be ex-wife. I don't want to waste time venting about her right now, but someone said there was a text message either I sent her or she sent me that had some sort of relevance with how things went down between the two of us... I was trying to figure out what it was or really what to do about it? It could take me half a day to go through text messages from 3 different phones, and the reason I asked is because you had "/" at the end of one of your sentences. And the ex-wife sent me a text message once with just a "/" in it. It was really weird, but I didn't fully realize she was manipulating me for so long that it probably wasn't just weird...

Dr. Mark :

Oh. M "/" was because I didn't hit the shift key fast enough to get the "?" and hit the enter button too soon, so it sent it with the /.

Dr. Mark :

I wonder if that's what happened to your wife's message. Would a question mark have made more sense, perhaps?

Dr. Mark :

Probably not, but you know,

Dr. Mark :

trying to make sense out of the actions of angry wives is not an easy proposition.

Dr. Mark :

So, I'm glad we have the wording for your email. Okay?

Customer:

Well that's true. Except that I know she was working with others to slash and burn me, for a very long time. If I just tried to make sense of her, then life would be normal, simple, unfortunate, but easy... But in review, I do think the ? would have made more sense... But while we're still on here, why would a wife not only try to get rid of her husband, and the father of her children, but also try to do it in such a way that would create a different course of action for his life?? Conspiracies (the illegal kind) are hard to make sense of...

Dr. Mark :

There isn't a reason that I can give you for such an action without spending a lot of time with her. Because the reasons for doing such things are not stereotypical necessarily. It's not like we can say about repossessing a house: why was the house repossessed? Because the mortgage wasn't paid for 6 months. That's the correct answer for almost all situations. But here, it is completely dependent on knowing her intimately.

Dr. Mark :

So, I wish you the very best with your email to this associate!

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


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Customer:

Thanks.

Dr. Mark :

If you could give a positive rating before you leave, I would be grateful. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi, Lee. The chat ended before you gave a rating. If you could give a positive rating before leaving the question, I would be grateful. All the best to you, Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

She didn't reply back, and now I'm left in tears... How long should I wait?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Lee,


I will be happy to continue our question/answer but I need a sign of good faith from you by giving a positive rating first at this point. Thanks,


Dr. Mark

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Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships