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llw26
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 63
Experience:  LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
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Hi. This is difficult for me to write about, but I figure it

Resolved Question:

Hi. This is difficult for me to write about, but I figure it is time to do so. My husband and I enjoy drinking wine together at dinner and sometimes we drink too much. Often I am more sexually open and available to my husband, and really enjoy our lovemaking a lot. I'm a lot more uninhibited during these times. The real trouble, is that 2-3,4 times a year, I end up leaving my husband in bed to sleep, while I slink off and drunk call: former enemies who have tormented me, sex hot-lines to have phone sex with other men, and I have even written very sexually descriptive lesbian fantasies on an on-line community for lesbians (once, but never hooked up or spoke with anyone).
I get a lot of pleasure from thinking about having sex with other women, though this wasn't always the case. It's been within the last 5-10 years. I've told my husband about what I like to think about. He doesn't mind if it gives me pleasure (he's not into that, per say, and he also doesn't ply me with wine if he wants to make love and I don't, either). We just have a lot of fun together when I drink: we sing and play guitar to former concert DVDs, with laugh a lot (though we do that when sober too), and as I've mentioned, I often get very sexual. We like that part of drinking, when it happens.
What I am concerned about is the sexual behavior or aggressive behavior that I sometimes engage in. I feel terribly guilty about my behavior the next day. I've even told him about some of it. He gets angry or upset and doesn't want me doing it again and we even instigated a rule that I wouldn't be left alone to drink, I would come to bed with him. That lasts for awhile, along with my remorse, but eventually something I normally wouldn't do or tolerate when I'm sober occurs.
I have a wonderful partner and want to grow old with him and be with him for the rest of my life. I have had a very difficult life, and he has helped me in so many ways get in touch with my self-worth and ability to love. I have been sexually abused and assaulted in my childhood by strangers and people in position of authority (never a woman). I was nearly murdered by a stranger who sexually assaulted me (I wasn't raped though) as I was coming home, after dark. I was also "hit on" by college professors, TA's, and so on because I was very attractive (as I appreciate now and through my husband). I dressed very conservatively, including wearing pearls :-) back then. I didn't do anything to draw sexual attention to myself.
Now I feel more sexual, mostly when I drink, and when I think about having (usually) aggressive sex (I'm the aggressor, usually) with younger women. When I was younger, even women hit on me. I was like "what's the point" "I don't get it". But now i can see women as sex objects, like men do, and that excites me.
I already see a psychiatrist for my past abuses and neglect. I could never talk to him about this because I don't want this going on my permanent record. I also like to be seen as classy and demur. Oh, my parents used to let me watch dirty movies and look through porno mags when I was under 5 yrs old. I remember getting a kind of excitement from see the women, especially their big breasts. But, like I said, from Jr. School onward, attractive women have propositioned me and I just didn't feel any attractive at all. Now I do. I also get off imagining men raping an attractive young woman, or masturbating while I have sex with her. My husband has even said I could have sex with another woman as long as I "didn't fall in love" with her.
I think I should quit drinking but it's often so good for my husband and me when I do. We have a hard life and it's a really fun release for us when we drink (not every day or every time but sometimes we over do it, but get a lot of fun out of it.
I don't know what to do and that's why I'm writing to you for advise and perspective. Also, as I said, I sometimes make phone calls to people in my past that I am not proud of either. I am always really drunk when I do this and feel horrible about it when I wake up the next morning. Should I quit drinking entirely?
Can I save drinking fun for just my husband or will I always do these other things too?
Thanks for your help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.

llw26 :

Hello! My name isXXXXX hope to help you with your dilemma. How long has this been going on for?

llw26 :

Okay, I see in there you said it's been going on for 5-10 years. Did something significant happen at or around then?

Customer:

Hi Lindsey. I got married during this time but my husband and I had a really great sex life, as well.

llw26 : Okay. Well I think you answer your own question in describing your situation (feelings of guilt, wanting to me seen in a certain way, etc). Usually when one feels guilty about the behavior they're engaging in while intoxicated means there's something else underlying the behavior (e.g. You discuss some trauma you've endured that maybe why when you consume alcohol you're acting out in aggressive ways sexually). Have you processed your traumatic experiences with anyone other than your husband?
llw26 : Additionally, do you feel comfortable with your psychiatrist? Do you do psychotherapy or does s/he only prescribe medication for you? The reasons I ask is because you can ask your psychiatrist to not write about what you discuss in your sessions in his or her notes. Furthermore, if s/he is not doing psychotherapy with you, I think this is something y would benefit from. Psychotherapy is a time where you can feel free from your worries and judgments from others.
Customer:

Hi Lindsey. Thank you for your email. For some reason, I'm still a bit confused. (Oh BTW, I realized after I sent my Q that I don't really behave aggressively or want someone to be hurt. I think I just like, occasionally, the thought of the loss of control, OR, loss of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY) (I'm not yelling lol I'm just getting a lot of insight at the moment). Maybe, I feel personally responsible for the sexual things that have happened to me (even though I tried to stop it from happening but couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Also horrible things were said to me that shut me down completely like "go ahead tell and you'll found out that your mommy and daddy don't love you and you'll be left all alone". I never wanted to test that hypothesis. Also, the sexual abuse, while being done just for the enjoyment of the perpetrator (and too young for me to feel stimulation), I often had to tell them that what they were dong when I was 3 yrs old, "felt good". I often felt like sometimes I could leave my body, or I would be looking away crying, to try to avoid knowing or experiencing what was happening to me or even letting them know that I was experiencing anything be it hurt, shame, loneliness, overwhelmed, trapped. Actually, this is making a lot of sense because I have not worked through these issues (except for letting people know it happened, after the potential murder). Now, it feels almost like not a sexual thing but a control thing and becoming like a perpetrator myself. I think I'll keep writing about this another time.Does my interpretation make sense to you?

Customer:

Upps, didn't mean to send you that last response yet.,,,

Customer:

To answer your question, I've been with my younger, married (why did I write that???!! lol) Dr. for 4 years now. He's quite a serious guy and never really flirts with me or anything, but I was surprised a few years ago, when I talked about being hit on and such, he said "because your very attractive"?. I was like, ahh, yeah. It surprised me when he said that though. We talk and he doesn't just give me medication but he's the first therapist I have had who is younger than me (because I'm a lot older now; I'm not just talking to a therapist about something that just happened, like when I was 19 or in university, etc.) and that feels a little weird (perverted?) I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable or possibly aroused, either. I'm old enough to be his teen-aged mother!

Customer:

damn I keep doing that! return before I'm ready

Customer:

I'm not sure what you meant when you wrote:" Okay. Well I think you answer your own question in describing your situation (feelings of guilt, wanting to me seen in a certain way, etc)."

Customer:

urhh

Customer:

I'm not sure what Q. I'm answering or how...how does "wanting to be seen in a certain way relate?"

Customer:

Should I quit drinking or do you think I could make myself stop the occasional 'acting out' behavior (because that's how I'm viewing now as I write to you). That I was hurt so much, so silently, with no one to tell (I'm an only child) maybe, subconsciously, since I am now loved unconditionally for the first time, I take on the role of perpetrator, expressing my anger and also potentially hurting my husband by acting in ways that are not normal for me or what I would do if I was not quite drunk. I'm so glad that nothing physical or ongoing has ever happened. I've never regretted that the next morning. I just wipe things away. I remove the conversations, delete the site or phone number and so on. I would be so hurt to hurt my husband and it would be really screwed up for me to ever jeopardize this relationship. It's been the best thing of my whole life. And I've learned slowly, in turn, to trust, to love and to be loyal like he is to me.

Customer:

It's just that if I keep drinking it seems like there would still be the distant possibility that I could hurt someone. Does working through it, preclude that possibility? Or will it jump out one day, and I'll act out again as a result? I know that's a really difficult question to answer but I guess I'm asking it because maybe, by working out my hurt and trauma, I wouldn't act out again. Is that how healing works? Thank you so much, Lindsey.

llw26 :

I think you're on the right path, as you're beginning to process what happened to you -- I would agree that there is a large control piece. I also think you blame yourself for a lot of what happened to you (when you say what you were wearing/how you were dressed, and that you feel personally responsible for the actions of others.) Your interpretation not only makes sense, it follows along with other clients I have worked with who have a trauma history.

llw26 :

As for your statements regarding your therapist, there are times where therapists may be attracted to their clients...this is normal...it is something that should be discussed within therapy and if there is an attraction and the therapist does not believe they can be professional they should refer the individual to someone else. Now it is also very common for clients to become attracted to their therapist, as they are the person they may be sharing things with that they don't share with anyone else -- this again, is something that can be discussed and processed through. Does the age gap bother you?

llw26 :

So the reason I say you answer your own question -- regarding the drinking...is that you state it makes you feel guilty and feel horrible later after you've made phone calls to people in your past...this is your answer as to whether or not you want to continue drinking...do you want to continue to feel like this, even if it's a few times a month...are the feelings worth it?

llw26 :

So when you say you wake up the next morning and you don't regret it...are you sure? What is the purpose of "wiping things away"? You are removing the conversations/deleting the site or phone number...as if it never happened? It is too painful to think that the reality is that it did happen?

llw26 :

You also talk about hurting your husband and you don't want to do that, that he is like your rock and the first person you can trust and hurting him would be bad news. So the question you have to ask yourself is why do you only do this when you're drinking? I think that working through what you've been through can get to the deeper seeded issues you've experienced, especially if you have a trauma history beginning at or around age 3, this is all you've really known and processing what happened to you can bring you to a different level of understanding yourself, your feelings and your behaviors. It's possible that it might jump out one day...trauma affects people in very different ways and at very different times. Trauma is different for everyone, but once you begin to heal that is when you truly begin to see how powerful YOU are...you take back what is yours and not the perp's...you begin to develop a different level of empowerment...and as many of my clients have said, it's amazing.

llw26 :

You are very welcome.

Customer:

Yes, thank you so much for your depth of understanding and coverage, Lindsey. It's been so long since I've considered, if I ever did, the real effects of being so young and so cruelly abused. I was never really allowed to, or encouraged to, mourn for my losses. Except for one person (who did not get charged or anything), my perpetrators were never held accountable nor confronted for what they did to me. For 3 years, I went to public school and was abused by my vice principal, until one other girl was approached by him, I guess, and he went away. My teachers tried so hard to get me to say that he had been abusing me (he used to pull me out of class whenever he " needed me"). God, I feel so sad just writing this. I was all alone and used to get in trouble at home for being "so moody". There was just no winning or catching a break. I have had a lot more trauma than this, as well.

llw26 : Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I think there are times where parents may know something but may deny what's going on, I am glad to hear your teachers tried to get help...but what many people don't understand is the power differential and how you're a young impressionable child -- which by no means is your fault, but if someone says I will hurt your family or no one will believe you...as a child you will remain quiet out of fear...but now you have this knowledge and you're aware whathe did was wrong and even if he didn't pay as a perp in the judicial system, you can still take back whatever it is you feel you've lost (childhood, innocence, etc). This is what is so great about trauma therapy...you can empower yourself in order to begin to heal. Will the scares always be there? Yes, but they won't be as prominent or affect you how they used to.
llw26 :

Was there anything else I can help you with?

Customer:

Hi Lindsey. I am so sorry to have seemingly disappeared (because you provided "excellent service" , plus I want to leave you a tip for all your time and compassion.

Customer:

I just wanted to clarify a couple things I wrote. w

llw26 :

Oh no that's okay, I just wanted to make sure you were satisfied and if you needed any assistance or clarification! I am ready!

Customer:

When I used the R WORD, I never imagine anyone hurt, scared or crying. The aggression I refer to is the abandonment of her self responsibility, in the sense of being"taken, but then enjoying it and secretly being satisfied. THAT HAS BEEN A FANTASY A ND IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM is anything At All related IN ANY WAY to what actual rape victims go through, as I all too well know. I also realize that this used to be and, unfortunately, is still sometimes the case still is impression of the experience of many rape victims. Rape is terrifying, humiliating, degrading and horrifically painful and I mean painful!

Customer:

For both genders.

llw26 :

"The aggression I refer to is the abandonment of her self responsibility, in the sense of being"taken, but then enjoying it and secretly being satisfied." Who is the her you are referring to? I think you are very correct when you say that fantasy and actual rape are VERY different. But that's also the distinction you are making...is that one is actually taking away something from a person where as the other is consensual with someone else.

Customer:

I appreciate that you didn't judge me on that, but I wanted to clarify it, for myself, and in case someone reads this.

llw26 :

Yes, of course.

Customer:

Also, you referred to my drunken escapades as occurring a few times a month. These have actually occurred a few times - though all is too many - a year. As a result of our work together, I have already decided, and told my husband, that I chose to no longer drink alcohol, and wish to experience our experiences, sober and mindfully.

llw26 :

Oh I am sorry I misread that. But as I said before, if you deem it to be problematic, which is sounds like you do, then I would go ahead and either limit the amount of alcohol you drink, or (as it sounds like what you're doing) cut it out completely.

Customer:

Just got your message, thanks! You are very kind (I was at the hospital all night having tests) and couldn't use my phone till now.

llw26 :

Thank you. Is everything okay with you physically?

Customer:

Unfortunately, no. I am getting extensive tests (which are driving me crazy, like MRIs,booked at all times of day and night!) but, at least, I'm being cared for :-)

llw26 :

I am sorry to hear that...it can't make what's going on mentally any easier! Make sure you're taking care of yourself! I am glad to hear you're being cared for, that is always important when you're not feeling well...mentally or physically...

Customer:

You have rendered me a lot of thought and attention to details that really work for me, in terms of getting in touch with my abuse and some of its consequences for my sense of self, especially regarding intimacy. I have had therapy after being attacked and then again, told about my other abuses and parental cruelty and abandoments, and I'm sure it has helped a lot; but I ve forgotten a lot of it. Also, I think when there's been a lot of abuse, there are probably many levels of self forgiveness, and so forth, that occur as you revisit what your life has been like. I think that's what I'm experiencing with your help.

Customer:

This maybe a bold question, but would you be available for on-line (payed) trauma work?

llw26 :

Well I am glad to hear talking about this is helping. As I've said before, just because you start to process it...doesn't mean it will all go away. This is something bad that happened to you, it sucks...it's horrible...no one should have to experience ANY form of abuse. But beginning to process all the experiences as an adult may be different for you.

Customer:

Thanks for all your help and insight.

llw26 :

While I am flattered that you would want me to assist you with this, I believe that the best healing, especially with trauma work, is done in person. I wouldn't feel like I was doing you justice if it were online. I can suggest that you find someone who specializes in trauma work...that doesn't just focus on cognitive behavioral therapy....but focuses on what your trauma means to you and how it has shaped your life.

llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 63
Experience: LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
llw26 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.
Well I am flattered that you would want to do online therapy work with me, I feel that the best way of processing through trauma is done in person. What I can say is that I believe you should find someone who doesn't just use cognitive behavioral techniques, but also helps you process the emotions and feelings associated with the trauma. What part of Canada are you located in?

Also, you are very welcome :)
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 63
Experience: LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
llw26 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

You are very welcome. And the flattery is the truth. It is somewhat difficult to find a therapist that can help you unlock and understand what you are going/have been through.


 


I'd be happy to give you my location if it can remain private.


I appreciate what and how you feel is the most important way to do therapy. I would still be very interested, if you think it could work. I am also not very mobile right now. And, yes, all I've really had is CBTAND maybe that's why I'm coming to different assessments. What is your therapeutic approach? Are there any books you can recommend?


 


Thanks again, Lindsey.


 


 


 


 

Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.
I tried to send you a private message but I don't think it worked. Could you try to send me one?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi. Thanks for trying but I didn't receive any thing!


Oh, I realized something else I wanted to clarify. The way I wrote it was confusing. I really regret things the next day . What I don't regret is unsubscribing to anything I used to get access. eg I had messages in response to my temporary mailbox, last week. I immediately closed my account and unscribed from it. And I don't regret that.


 


Do you have access to the email address I use for this account?


 


Thanks for replying :-)


 


 


 


 

Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.
Ok. I will email and ask for help.

Okay, I understand what you're trying to say better now. Thanks for the clarification.

I do not. Let me see what customer service has to say! I will find a way to contact you!

You're welcome!
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 63
Experience: LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
llw26 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.
Hello -- I emailed them and they stated that the only place we can chat is here...we are not allowed to PM. Sorry about that! I will just go back to my suggestion of you finding someone who knows trauma literature/theory.

My therapeutic approach is utilizing psychodynamic and existential theory and CBT techniques. There are a couple good books on trauma:

Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life by Jasmin Lee Cori and Robert Scaer (Jan 8, 2008)

8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery: Take-Charge Strategies to Empower Your Healing (8 Keys to Mental Health) by Babette Rothschild (Jan 4, 2010)


Also, I would suggest reading Viktor Frankl or Hannah Levenson. They are at times jargony, but give a good idea of how to work through what you've been through and how to find meaning in your life and empower yourself.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well, thank you so much Lindsey. I really, really appreciate your efforts and have ranked you excellent in the follow up survey they send out. I am very happy that you are available for people looking for help. You have really helped me and I'm so glad that you'll be there for other people, as well.


 


It may take me awhile before I get the books (my husband is concerned about me doing this because I do have a vast history of trauma and he doesn't want revisiting it to bring me a crisis or anything) but I appreciate them anyway. I'll contact you when I've read them or before.


 


I'm glad you joined JustAnswer Lindsey! You are definitely in the right profession!


 


All best wishes


 


 


 

Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.
You are very welcome. I am glad I could be of assistance. I would agree with your husband that you should wait until you're in therapy and able to work through your different experiences with a trained professional. I do not suggest you try to start going through your history by yourself, as you want to make sure you have the support of a trained therapist. Thank you very much for your comments, I truly love the work I do and I am glad I could help you. Best of luck to you in your future!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your advice regarding the trauma work. If you didn't write back, I probably would have read the books on my own, not realizing.


 


I wish you all the best too.


 


I wanted to tell you about what an expert in another field does to make an impression so that it's easier to contact him again. He sends a direct link to his Just Answer account so you can contact him directly, instead of just posting a question to anyone.


 


All the best, Lindsey!!


 


 


 


 

Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the tip, I will have to look into it!
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 63
Experience: LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
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