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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 months

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 months now. We were serious fairly fast. We have already talked about moving in together, marriage and kids. I have never been with someone more amazing and who has treated me so well.

Unfortunately though that all changed Monday. He freaked out Monday and suddenly wasn't sure of our relationship anymore. He has been working a lot lately and traveling with his work. He hasn't had a day off in 2 1/2 weeks and works 12 hour days. Monday was his first day off. We didn't see each other on Sunday night because I had to wake up early for work on Monday. Monday on my lunch break I called to check on him and see if I would see him that day and he was unsure if we would which is very unlike him. I hung up with him and texted him asking if everything was ok. He was very upset and said he needed time to himself and felt bad for wanting that and needed his space.

I responded saying I understood and would respect that. He then responded saying he was staying at his house that night. Later that night I texted him telling him I was there for him and hoped he would have the break he needed since he was off Tuesday. And Wednesday as well. He was still very upset and responded that he was worried with all of the traveling he would be doing that we wouldn't make it. This was out of nowhere since Sunday when we talked he wanted to come home with me in January to meet my family. We talked Monday night and he kept comparing our relationship to his previous marriage and saying that the distance and work got in the way of their relationship and he didn't want to do that again and work is his number 1 priority. I just don't know what to do. Two days ago we were moving in together in May and he told me he loved me more than anything and now he won't even talk to me. What do I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Customer: Thank you I just don't know what to do
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and frustrating since I do not see you have done anything wrong here but been absolutely patient, empathetic and supportive towards him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you said, it is shocking since nobody changes 180 degrees in one day out of nothing

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am afraid that not having had enough time to know a little more about this person, has led you to build high expectations, trust and attachment about this person and relationship, while on the other hand he has not been totally honest , an obviously has serious personal issues to work on before he could play a healthy role in a serious relationship.

Customer: So should I be done with him or give him space?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is directly telling you that his work is his number one priority and that he is unwilling to work on your relationship, justifying it by mentioning his past marriage. Pushing him would not help for sure, and for you to expect a radical change soon would not be realistic. It is obvious to me he has serious personal issues he would need to work on before he can share inhealthy and open ways in any close relationship.

Customer: So what should my next step be?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see you have any other options here, and depending on what you feel and are willing to afford you would have to choose on or the other.

Customer: What if I want it to try to make this work
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Assess your core needs and expectation from this relationships, and realistically see if this person is truly able and willing to meet them now or in the near future, and for how long you are willing to wait for that, and if not, when you need to refocus on taking better care of yourself away from him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you would stick to it, not by pushing him, but by waiting as long as you feel that's what you want.

Customer: I just really care for him and he has treated so well and I feel like it am dealing with a person I don't even know right now. Why do you think he isn't talking to me?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What is obvious to me is that he has not been totally honest towards you, otherwise this traumatic news would never happen this way. I think he is using denial and avoidance as means not to face reality and cope with his personal issues and approach this situation as a responsible, caring and sensitive adult. The easiest way not to deal with something is to suddenly end every form of communication or to refuse to talk about thing, and that's what he's doing. it is not about you, but about his personal issues shaping your relationship this way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think a person transforms himself this much in one day,, but rather that he has not been truly honest during these 3 months and now the way things were evolving have triggered everything that was already there hidden from you.

Customer: Is there a way to help him or support him and for us to be able to work things out? What do you think he has been hiding for me. I know his family fairly well too and his family ha
Customer: is very sweet and kind and he is just like his dad
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By fully respecting his boundaries, limits and decision. But if you do that you cannot at the same time expect him to change his ways if he chooses not to, once healthy and fulfilling relationships require spontaneous and mutual respect, caring and commitment to build them together , as a team, because both partners care and want to do it, otherwise it become dysfunctional or cannot continue at all.

Customer: How long should I wait and how much time should I give him before I end things?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If eh really cares about you, he would reflect on his abusive behaviors, end them, and would look for you, apologize and work on gaining back your trust, on healing the relationship, since this is obviously something overwhelming showing you how serious problems he has had about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That totally depends on you. You said you want to wait and make it works, and you can only control what depends on you, while for it to happen, he would also have to want and work on the same, and that could happen in a week, a month, a year or never. That's why I said that you need to be very truthful with yourself and assess what you really want to afford here, take full responsibility for that and then consistent actions. That's the best way to approach it.

Customer: Do you think if I wait a week it would be enough time to contact him and ask to talk with him in person
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe that could be reasonable, proactive and necessary, as long as you do it in a respectful -non pushy way. Meaning that if he refuses to meet you, you would know that he does not have even the basic respect and maturity to talk to you as an adult and end it as a real adult man should, since it is unacceptable for him to suddenly change his mind this way leaving everything you planned aside, without being truly open and honest, taking to you about it.

Customer: I think the hard part for me is to know how much time to give him and how to go about this in a non pushy way.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is tough because you have no control of what he thinks, feel or does, and since he is not being honest and direct, neither even talking to you about it, there i snot much you could do about it, and this is very frustrating and sad, heart breaking for sure.

Customer: Yes it definitely is.
Customer: I texted him yesterday to tell him I was thinking of him and was there for him and wanted to talk when he was ready and to let me know. He rewd th
Customer: read the message but has yet to respond
Customer: Is this his way of showing he needs time or is he just trying to ignore me and be done
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be either one, but based on his previous behaviors, I believe his is avoiding you and not in a respectful or acceptable way, and that's why I do not suggest you to expose yourself to more of it, or you would be enabling his abusive ways, and that would not help but wound you more.

Customer: So to not subject myself to more of this should I just ask for closure and be done
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You should if you feel you could not and should not wait even more, for him to work on his personal issues and the way he refuses to work on your relationship.

Customer: I definitely feel in my heart and my head I want to wait to see if he will contact me and work through this inner struggle he has going on. But I just want to be smart about this and protect myself as much as possible
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some people in your shoes would feel they can wait a week, others a month, and others several months, each getting very different results depending on their personalities, resilience, feelings and how the other person happens to react and do things about himself and the relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then wait but not for too long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

or you would end enabling further neglect and abuse, self-sabotaging.

Customer: Ok do you think a week or a month is more reasonable?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say then the most you could wait would be a month to see in that period of time he shows enough maturity, caring, respect and willingness to work on it or not. If after that period of time he remains the same or worse, better for you to take better care of yourself and focus on your own healing process away from him.

Customer: I know the stress of work and transitioning into a new position has been hard for me and he is just very overwhelmed and I know his divorce is still hard on him because he feels like he has failed and isn't good enough. So I don't really know how to jest a timeline for this
Customer: Hard for him*
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then he needs to work a lot on himself, since as long as he has serious unresolved personal issues, he would not be able to play a healthy role building any new relationship.

Customer: Yes I agree but he doesn't believe in therapy and so I don't know how he will work through this
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let's give him time and space, an see if he truly values you and your relationship, and chooses to be honest, accountable and to work on it or at least to allow you an acceptable, instead of a traumtic ending.

Customer: Ok I can do that. How much time do you think is necessary
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I am sorry, but he is the only one with the power and responsibility to start this process, and if he refuses to work on it with necessary support, once he is unable to do t himself, there is nothing anybody could do to support him, nor to make this work.

Customer: Ok thank you for your help
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As I said, if after a month he has not show any concrete willingness and ability to be respectful and assertive about you, then you would need to reconsider how healthy it is for you to expect something better for him, once he is literally trapped in his personal issues and refusing necessary support as well as the responsibility it take to make changes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer: Thank you so much your advice has been very helpful.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach