Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
This is very sad and frustrating since I do not see you have done anything wrong here but been absolutely patient, empathetic and supportive towards him.
As you said, it is shocking since nobody changes 180 degrees in one day out of nothing
I am afraid that not having had enough time to know a little more about this person, has led you to build high expectations, trust and attachment about this person and relationship, while on the other hand he has not been totally honest , an obviously has serious personal issues to work on before he could play a healthy role in a serious relationship.
He is directly telling you that his work is his number one priority and that he is unwilling to work on your relationship, justifying it by mentioning his past marriage. Pushing him would not help for sure, and for you to expect a radical change soon would not be realistic. It is obvious to me he has serious personal issues he would need to work on before he can share inhealthy and open ways in any close relationship.
I do not see you have any other options here, and depending on what you feel and are willing to afford you would have to choose on or the other.
Assess your core needs and expectation from this relationships, and realistically see if this person is truly able and willing to meet them now or in the near future, and for how long you are willing to wait for that, and if not, when you need to refocus on taking better care of yourself away from him.
Then you would stick to it, not by pushing him, but by waiting as long as you feel that's what you want.
What is obvious to me is that he has not been totally honest towards you, otherwise this traumatic news would never happen this way. I think he is using denial and avoidance as means not to face reality and cope with his personal issues and approach this situation as a responsible, caring and sensitive adult. The easiest way not to deal with something is to suddenly end every form of communication or to refuse to talk about thing, and that's what he's doing. it is not about you, but about his personal issues shaping your relationship this way.
I do not think a person transforms himself this much in one day,, but rather that he has not been truly honest during these 3 months and now the way things were evolving have triggered everything that was already there hidden from you.
By fully respecting his boundaries, limits and decision. But if you do that you cannot at the same time expect him to change his ways if he chooses not to, once healthy and fulfilling relationships require spontaneous and mutual respect, caring and commitment to build them together , as a team, because both partners care and want to do it, otherwise it become dysfunctional or cannot continue at all.
If eh really cares about you, he would reflect on his abusive behaviors, end them, and would look for you, apologize and work on gaining back your trust, on healing the relationship, since this is obviously something overwhelming showing you how serious problems he has had about it.
That totally depends on you. You said you want to wait and make it works, and you can only control what depends on you, while for it to happen, he would also have to want and work on the same, and that could happen in a week, a month, a year or never. That's why I said that you need to be very truthful with yourself and assess what you really want to afford here, take full responsibility for that and then consistent actions. That's the best way to approach it.
I believe that could be reasonable, proactive and necessary, as long as you do it in a respectful -non pushy way. Meaning that if he refuses to meet you, you would know that he does not have even the basic respect and maturity to talk to you as an adult and end it as a real adult man should, since it is unacceptable for him to suddenly change his mind this way leaving everything you planned aside, without being truly open and honest, taking to you about it.
It is tough because you have no control of what he thinks, feel or does, and since he is not being honest and direct, neither even talking to you about it, there i snot much you could do about it, and this is very frustrating and sad, heart breaking for sure.
It could be either one, but based on his previous behaviors, I believe his is avoiding you and not in a respectful or acceptable way, and that's why I do not suggest you to expose yourself to more of it, or you would be enabling his abusive ways, and that would not help but wound you more.
You should if you feel you could not and should not wait even more, for him to work on his personal issues and the way he refuses to work on your relationship.
Some people in your shoes would feel they can wait a week, others a month, and others several months, each getting very different results depending on their personalities, resilience, feelings and how the other person happens to react and do things about himself and the relationship.
Then wait but not for too long.
or you would end enabling further neglect and abuse, self-sabotaging.
I would say then the most you could wait would be a month to see in that period of time he shows enough maturity, caring, respect and willingness to work on it or not. If after that period of time he remains the same or worse, better for you to take better care of yourself and focus on your own healing process away from him.
Then he needs to work a lot on himself, since as long as he has serious unresolved personal issues, he would not be able to play a healthy role building any new relationship.
Let's give him time and space, an see if he truly values you and your relationship, and chooses to be honest, accountable and to work on it or at least to allow you an acceptable, instead of a traumtic ending.
Then I am sorry, but he is the only one with the power and responsibility to start this process, and if he refuses to work on it with necessary support, once he is unable to do t himself, there is nothing anybody could do to support him, nor to make this work.
As I said, if after a month he has not show any concrete willingness and ability to be respectful and assertive about you, then you would need to reconsider how healthy it is for you to expect something better for him, once he is literally trapped in his personal issues and refusing necessary support as well as the responsibility it take to make changes.
You're very welcome.
Thank you for your trust.
Please feel free to contact me to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.