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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Does age matter in relationships? Im 23 and I have dated guys

Resolved Question:

Does age matter in relationships? Im 23 and I have dated guys my age and guys in their early 30s. I feel I connect more with guys in their 30s.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi. It's nice to hear from you

Dr. Mark :

because I was wondering what you meant when you asked if age matters.

Dr. Mark :

What about guys your age is a turn off?

Customer:

I feel like they are not serious and only want to date around. And I feel like I can have meaningful conversations with guys older than me

Dr. Mark :

You are right in your overall assessment. But let's examine this more closely

Dr. Mark :

because I'm concerned you're cutting yourself off more than it's worthwhile, okay?

Customer:

Ok

Dr. Mark :

It's true that more guys in their 20s are immature or just looking for "fun", and that guys in their 30s are more mature than guys in their 20s and are more settled and looking for serious relationships.

Dr. Mark :

However, there are also downsides:

Customer:

Ok

Dr. Mark :

there are more guys in their 30s who are still single who are more self centered, or just plain self-oriented than single guys in their 20s.

Dr. Mark :

Do you see how that would work?

Dr. Mark :

Because many of the guys in their 30s are already married.

Dr. Mark :

And those would tend to be the really sweet guys.

Dr. Mark :

Does that make sense?

Dr. Mark :

So while there are more immature guys in their 20s,

Dr. Mark :

There are also fewer really good guys in their 30s.

Dr. Mark :

Did that seem right to you?

Customer:

Yes

Dr. Mark :

Okay, good. Because I know you're a sensitive person

Dr. Mark :

and someone who really wants to be in a relationship with a guy

Dr. Mark :

who's

Dr. Mark :

caring and loving as well as intelligent and interesting.

Dr. Mark :

So, with that introduction,

Dr. Mark :

my answer is really that I think you need to keep yourself open to meeting

Dr. Mark :

men in their 30s and men in their 20s

Dr. Mark :

and not forming a bias too soon.

Dr. Mark :

Because men in their 20s may feel like they have to be more "spontaneous", so to speak, at first

Dr. Mark :

in order to be "attractive"

Dr. Mark :

whereas men in their 30s tend to be more "interesting" at first.

Dr. Mark :

But I'd really recommend that you try to look at the essence of the guy when they first approach you:

Dr. Mark :

what is this guy all about?

Dr. Mark :

And give the ones in their 20s a chance as well. That doesn't mean that guys in their 30s may not be more interesting and you might find your Mr. Right in that group, but

Dr. Mark :

not to rule out the men in their 20s, okay?

Customer:

Ok

Customer:

But at the same time I feel immature with guys in their 30s

Customer:

I feel they wont find me interesting because im not as experienced as they are

Customer:

After my break up with my ex, I felt very insecure. Hes 32 and the girl he is with is 20. I felt like maybe I was the immature one and she was better than me.

Dr. Mark :

I see.

Dr. Mark :

I think your interpretation is biased against yourself.

Dr. Mark :

Here's what I mean:

Dr. Mark :

It sounds as though he wants a LESS mature girl, not a more mature girl.

Dr. Mark :

I've talked with you now in 3 discussions. You're insecure about yourself, but you're not immature when I talk with you.

Dr. Mark :

So, why interpret his actions as a reflection on YOU, and not a reflection on HIM?

Customer:

Having had someone cheat on me made me feel not good enough and worthless. I know his actions say more about him than about me, but I guess the real issue here are my insecurities

Dr. Mark :

Right. And whether a man is in his 20s or 30s, this is not a predictor of whether he will be faithful or whether he will cheat.

Dr. Mark :

The only way you can judge this is by getting to know the person and then deciding to put your trust in him, no matter what his age is.

Dr. Mark :

And you will do that much better and more accurately when you are not beating yourself up, okay?

Customer:

Yes. Being blindsided by his unfaithful ways, I wasn't ready to let go. And the feeling of wanting a partner and being loved and loving someone is still here. Im beginning to date, but I don't believe anything a guy says to me anymore. I cant trust

Dr. Mark :

Yes, it's hard to trust when you've been burned. Most people experience this.

Dr. Mark :

Trust is not a GUARANTEE about the future. Trust is a mutual agreement among people. You can't ever be certain about what anyone will do in the future, including him. So how do you trust in him? You have to BESTOW trust in him. And that will take a certain amount of dates before you can trust him a little, then a little more as you get to know him even more, right?

Customer:

Yes

Dr. Mark :

I want to strengthen this for you and in you:

Dr. Mark :

You don't have to go into starting to date a guy asking if you can trust him.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

Because you don't go into a car dealership asking if you can trust the salesman, right?

Customer:

Right

Dr. Mark :

They have to build your trust, it's called earning your trust, right?

Customer:

Yes

Dr. Mark :

Then go into dating the same way: you're starting to date a guy, you don't know enough to trust or distrust

Dr. Mark :

you're just dating.

Customer:

I see

Dr. Mark :

After a while, you'll give a little trust, not all the way or even a lot, but you'll know that you want to move closer, a little closer, rigth?

Dr. Mark :

I'm sorry, right?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

How do I get myself to just relax and have fun with dating and not constantly wonder if he's "the one"?

Customer:

It's like I'm on a quest to find the one and in the process I'm not really enjoying the journey, do you know what I mean?

Dr. Mark :

Yes, I do.

Dr. Mark :

But you've answered your own question, really:

Dr. Mark :

just relax and have fun...

Dr. Mark :

When you start to have that self talk about is he the right one, am I good enough, is he good enough, etc.

Dr. Mark :

then let that thought go.

Dr. Mark :

Tell that thought that it's a good thought but that it's too early to know and that right now it's time to relax and have fun dating.

Dr. Mark :

This is called mindfulness, okay?\

Customer:

ok :)

Customer:

And I know I ask a lot of questions but what about like "rules of dating" ? Does that seem to work? I guess what I'm asking, is should I just do what works for me instead of what society wants me to do?

Dr. Mark :

What would be your best answer to that question: should I just do what works for me instead of what society wants me to do?

Customer:

What works for me :)

Dr. Mark :

Yes, I'd agree.

Dr. Mark :

It's not a winning proposition to be anyone else but YOU.

Customer:

I read all these books and magazines and its like do this to attract the man of your dreams, and don't do this, and dress like this blah blah blah, but being myself has not really failed. And the best part is, I didn't have to change a thing about me

Dr. Mark :

And you don't have to invest in all the books, either!

Dr. Mark :

You know, if you relax and just let yourself enjoy the journey of your life, you'll actually feel so good when Mr. Right does show up.

Dr. Mark :

But if you are so worried about it, an important part of your life will pass right by you.

Dr. Mark :

So, be yourself.

Dr. Mark :

You're a good person.

Dr. Mark :

And when you begin to wonder, just remind yourself of old Dr. Mark who said, relax and let yourself be yourself, okay?

Customer:

And I don't want to miss a minute of my life.

Customer:

I will :)

Customer:

Thank you Dr. Mark

Dr. Mark :

Okay, wish you the very best!


 


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Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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