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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My husband, we married bit less than a year, discreetly wrote

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My husband, we married bit less than a year, discreetly wrote to his former girl friend to ask her to come visit him while I will be away later this month to my home country for some family business. I'm totally shocked. His girl friend told him it's not right to do so and declined. I have no respect to my husband...I'm wearied...what should I do to protect myself?
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this situation.

You never said how you learned about your husbands "discrete" letter to his former girl friend. Evidently it was not discrete enough.

You now know that your husband will cheat on you when he can. This is not a very reassuring thought and destoyrs your sense of trust in his honesty and in his honor, and puts your relationship gravely in danger.

At this point you must decide whether or not you wish to save the marriage. If you think it can be saved then you should get some professional help through a licensed marriage and family therapist, or if you have lack of good sexual "communication", then through a certified sex thrapist, who is usually a licensed mental health therapist with additional training and certification.

To find a family therapist near you, if you don't have a good one recommended, go to www.psychologytoday.com and enter your state and city.

Or go to the AASECT site for a sex therapist (better choice in my opinion):

ASCT (click on this link)

You may not be able to get your relationship on track, You are just beginning to get to know him, after only a year of marriage.

You may have already decided that you know enough and want out. If so, I recommend a divorce attorney, of which there are many.

Divorce is probably the best protection unless you think that you can turn this around and keep things straight.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Elliot,


 


I consulted you before. I and my husband use the same computer and I can trace his activities online. He doesn't know to delete his track and I can click on it and know his activities. He was talking to his ex girl friend on facebook. We are on the verge of buying a house now. If I have to put down my 20% deposit to buy a house with my husband, is there any legal I can protect myself from the money I have to put up? I cannot afford a divorce because of my conditional resident status. He flatly told me he loved me only and had intention to see his ex girlfriend just now, but I know it was a lie because I have proof from his facebook messages. I'm amazed on his lying power and wonder how much he is capable of doing. He kept saying I quit worrying and even asked me to talk to his friends' wives for consultation. I'm between a rock and a hard place since if I provoked him, he may just admitted it and ask me to leave and then a divorce. Now down to the minimal expectation, at least is there any way I can protect my money into the down payment of the house if anything happened?


 

Dear Liz,

I recall your situation from a previous question.

You are in a situation in which your new marriage feels uncertain and you do not want to put a big chunk of money into a house that you might lose. I suggest that you find a reason NOT to want to buy this house and continue to rent until you are legally secure as a resident alien and cannot lose your green card.

Don't ask him to admit anything. At this point your goal is to retain your residency. I do not know how much longer you have to wait, but it would be best to keep your money in your own bank account (and out of the country, if possible).

Don't tell him how you know about him. You can even have a remote program put on your computer and be able to monitor it from anywhere else in the world.

Someone can help you with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srigJNsqwyQ

If you need to stay married to him then put up with him, don't make a deposit, and tall him you hate the house.

The best thing you can do is to stall.

Wait till your waiting period is over and then you can decide you want to stay together or not. Keep your money with yourself in the time being.


Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

You're right. I'm in such a grey zone that it's so hard to think straight.


I shouldn't make him admit anything, being in the right is not gonna help me this time. I have to know where he's heading in order to plan my next step. I'm so sorry it has to come to this...


 

Dear LIz,.

I too am sorry that it has come to this, but you must look out for your best interests.

You are correct. There is not sense in making him confess. Unfortunately you will have to treat him as an adversary. This is not what you expected or bargained for but hopefully you will get the paperwork and residency that you sought. I know you wanted so much more, but at least you can have that - for starters. Life will continue and offer you new challenges and opportunities. Just realize the potential for things to ultimately turn out better than they would have, had this not worked out this way.

God bless,

Elliott
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