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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I ve been recently dating a girl for over a year now and things

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I ve been recently dating a girl for over a year now and things are starting to serious, I had been warned before I started dating her to be careful because I was told she liked younger guys (and slept with a guy in his early 20's who apparently had been married) had been in and out of a couple different relationships which invoked her seeing 2 guys at the same time..She had been notorious for going out with her girlfriends and were not afraid to have a good time with other guys, especially younger ones.. All before we were together.. I though at the time her past is her past I can't judge her.. Until the other day I ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in a long time and we were chatting and he asked me i was seeing anyone, all when I told him how I was dating he shook his head and said be careful, she likes younger guys, She likes to go and have a good time etc etc just like all the other people had told long before.. So this really started me thinking and I'm starting to have quite a bit of a concern as the more we have gotten to know each other. She had told me that 100% that when her and her friends go out that they don't dance with other guys, I told her I know that you do she gets mad at me and tells me that she's never lied to me before and gets angry that I don't trust her.. Also the topic of cheating and being with a married person came up and she said she thinks that sleeping with a married man or woman is wrong. This really bothers me as I know she has been with a married guy in the past and I know this to be a fact as she once told a good friend of mine that she had been with a married guy. She told this person before we started to go out and did not know we were friends, had she known we were friends she would never had told her. I guess its just that now I'm really struggling with this and I don't know how to bring it up or talk to he about it. I don't think I can get it out of my head knowing that she had been another guy who was married and has told me she thinks its wrong, same as her going out with her friends and dancing with other guys. The dancing with other guys doesn't bother me nearly as much as she's not telling me the truth.. I'm worried that her behaviour might re-occur, I feel like there a few red flags now and I'm not sure if I'm over reacting on how I'm feeling. I really don't know how to bring this up with her or talk about it. I love her but I don't think I can ever get that out of my head.. Should I just break up with her or try and talk to her? I don't think the talking part will do much good as it will turn into a huge fight, she know somethings up with me.. I'm struggling on what I should do right now..
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this situation.

This is causing you a great deal of uncertainty, and that means stress and worry. Your worry, alas is not unfounded.

Reputations can be wrong, but you have heard this story before about her liking to party with younger men, and going out with married men, then there may be a basis to it, especially when you heard it from several sources.

She also seems to overreact when you discuss things with her. You have heard of the ShakespearXXXXX XXXXXne, more or less "methinks the lady doth protest too much". This overly defensive response is typical of defensiveness when a person is not telling the truth. Their defense is anger. "Don't go there", she is saying, This is not reassurance, but rather misdirection.

You know that discussing this will start a war. That is her defense. .

You really do not need to have this discussion to figure things out.

Girls don't go out dancing and don't go out with guys.

She has already proved to be a liar, according to what you have stated, denying being with married men, and telling you that she thinks it is wrong.

How can you continue in a relationship that you hope to be serious and honest, with a woman who is at times (as needed) a liar and who will not discuss things honestly with you.

If she is sexually loose then you also put yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), which could stay with you for a lifetime.

You say that she knows that something is up with you. I believe that she knows that you are on to her, and she is waiting for what happens next.

If you are not sure about her honesty or lack thereof (and it seems that you already know that she is a liar), then there is no sense in continuing with the relationship unless you just want to be one of the guys who enjoy her company.

I'm sure that she appreciates what you have to offer. However, I also believe that she has her own lifestyle that she will not or cannot change, and so engages in that lifetyle in a deceptive manner.

I do not think she is about to change, and she is never without someone to go out with, it seems.

You are not in a very good position with this relationship and you may wish to consider moving on. You alread know the outcome of a discussion, so why get into an unpleasant situation.

The most powerful message, and one that she will admire the most, is you telling her that you and she are not compatible, and you have decided to move on.

If she is really crazy about you, and you are wrong, she will not let you get away.

Frankly, I believe that this has happened to her before and she will move on with her life without much trauma.

It will probably be more dificult for you, but what options do you have?

Think this over carefully. If you have trouble deciding, divide a blank paper into two columns, PRO and CON, and list the positive and negative attributes of this relationship to get a little more clarity and focus your thoughts.

My prayers are with you for the best decision for yourself for now and for the future.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I know she's going to want me to give her a more detailed explanation than that were just not compatible.. Do I tell her that I'm having a hard time moving forward because of what I've heard? I'm just really struggling with this on how to tell her... Any advice on how I should break it to her knowing what I know would be greatly appreciated

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Dear XXXXX,

I understand your predicament. While it is true that you are not compatible, she will hold your feel to the fire, force you to say what you cannot prove, deny it, and make you out to be the bad person.

Tell her that you feel that there is more to her life than she lets on, and even if you are wrong, you nevertheless are uncomfortable in the relationship and it gives you too much stress.

You are not compatible because you are a more settled person and she seems to be more a party animal, and you are looking for some more like yourself.

You don't have to worry about hurting her feelings. She seems to be a pretty resilient person with a lot of resources and men waiting in the wings.

You just don't want to be one of them.

I understand that you feel you will lose an argument with her and you probably will. She is a manipulative person, and perhaps even a narcissist, which means that she can manipulate others, win over others, and may not care how others feel. That is a great advange to have in that kind of a lifetyle but it does not make true happiness.

BotXXXXX XXXXXne: tell her that he relationship is too stressful for you and you are no longer happy being in it. She cannot argue happness. If she tries tell her that you know that the relationship will not last and you are done trying.

She will not let you off the hook easily if she is a narcissist. She will not like to lose her control over you. It is control she wants, however, along with admiration. She can get all she wants without you, and she will.

If you want to go into great detail and learn a lot about women (and men) like her, then get this book. Everyone sould own it.

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

 

There is a chance that she is not a narcissist, by rather has bipolar disorder and is often involved in a series of reckless sexual adventures.

 

Either way, she is not the girl with whom you will live happily ever after.

 

The most important thing is to maintain control of the conversation and don't let her take you where SHE wants to go. Don't give her foodholds. If you want to be out of the relationship then tell her you are done.

 

You will have to find your way in this conversation. If you want to break up, then do it. You may not succeed the first time. She is probably very tough mided and can bend your wil. Do you best to be strong.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

Customer: replied 9 months ago.

The hard part is that I have feelings for her but I don't think I can overcome these issues I have with her past.. Is this wrong or silly? I'm I over reacting? I'm a bit confused on how I'm feeling.. Is it wrong or silly to end a relationship because of her past for fear that it may happen in our future? Sorry for all the questions but once i do this there will be no turning back..

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Of course you have feelings for her, and you will continue to have them if you break up with her. However you must ask yourself if these are strictly issues that happened in the past, to which she has owned up to, or are they indications of her character that tell you this is the way she is. Take her as she is or move on,.

From what youu have said, these are indications of the way she was and the way she still is and the way she will be. I think you may realize that nothing has changed.

If you are not ready to let go and want to take a wait and see approach, then this is the way you should go; it is the more conservative and cautious approach.

It she has a change of heart and has only eyes for you and will be honest and forthright and leave the young (and other) boys alone, then you will have reached a new milestone in this relationship.

You have nothing to lose by waiting and see if she is suddenly different. If you believe that then hang in there and don't bring up the past.

If she disappoints you or fools you again, then you can jump.

I think you need a bit more time, just to be sure.

You have nothing to lose.

If she still is not making you comfortable with the relationship then you can move on.

I wish you courage, wisdom, and perseverance.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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