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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im in love with my boss we are both married. I told him that

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Im in love with my boss we are both married. I told him that I like him but that I dont want to lose my job for this. He seemed to be flattered about this and said that my job would not be affected as we have a good professional relationship. But the next day at work he was avoiding me so in the evening I phoned him and told him that my feelings for him are genuine and that I do not want him to think that sleep around with anyone. He said its ok and that we should leave this matter in the past. I told him that I respect him and that I will get over these feelings and would never mention this again, he said nothing. Now at work a week as passed he acts normal as if nothing was ever said and he is so kind to me as always. I love him and really want something to happen, without affecting either his or my family, or risking my job, but I am afraid that if I say something wrong that he will react negative. I feel that he likes me but looks down on me as I am only his employee. Please help me..
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe is very sad, frustrating and concerning, since it shows how you have put yourself in a very risky and unhealthy situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

On one hand you feel you love this person, but he is telling you he does only want a professional relationship with you and to leave what happened in the past, which is very different from what you wanted and expect from him. But then he becomes the same as before, what could appears as him just wanted to keep things unchanged, just as they were before you got into this affair, or to try to manipulate you fueling your attachment while not openly acknowledging he plays a role in it and that would be equally accountable for everything that happens between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said that you just expect you to be together while not affecting your marriages and families at all, but this would be an illusion, since in real life whenever you choose to have an affair, that very moment you are already affecting your personal, marital, family and professional life with the choices you make and the actions that follow.

Customer:

How can I find out how he feels about me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But while you could try to control your actions, you can never have any control whatsoever about what your boos or any other person involve do about it, thus when you choose to engage in this affair, you also choose to take the risks and responsibilities that it implies.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By taking into account his concrete actions more than anything else.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His actions show he was willing to be with you as a lover but did to want to have to handle the implications-issues that it could present, and that's why he told you he wanted this to be part of the past for you to exclusively keep your professional relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These actions are clearly showing you what he feels, wants and is willing to afford here.

Customer:

How can I make him fall in love with me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The same way as you want to have an affair with him but do not want it t affect your marriage and family, he has also chosen what he wants and is wiling to afford here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Love is not something you can make other people feel, it is something that should be spontaneous and built day by day through reciprocal respect, caring, understanding, support, passion and commitment, and I do not see these core requirements present here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious that you do not love your husband, then why you want to perpetuate a marriage where you do not feel happy nor fulfilled in your marital life?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

First you would need to be clear about what you need and want to do about your marriage and family, then realistically assess what this person is truly willing to share or not with you, and according to your words, he is telling you he does only one to keep a professional relationship with you and nothing more, then it is essential for you to come to terms with that fact and adjust your decisions and expectations to what reality shows you in order to work on promoting your healthy happiness and well-being, and not to self-sabotage or get wounded while hurting other people around you, those who care about you.

Customer:

I dont want to hurt my husband or child, these feelings are out of my conto

Customer:

control, I feel so bad and sad

Customer:

All I want is to be with him once.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But the fact that you have already have an affair with your boss has wounded your marriage and family. The fact that they are not ware of it does not mean it has not and would not affect them in the future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you truly want to take good care of yourself, your marriage and family, then you need to come to terms with the fact that you are the only one with the right, power and responsibility for your own feelings, and the choices and actions that follow them. Without this, you would self-sabotage and sabotage your marriage and family, risking their integrity and well-being while doing the same against your job stability.

Customer:

How can I get over these feelings?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you find yourself unable to control your feelings, then please look for professional individual psychotherapy for you to get necessary support to work on yourself, on these feelings and issues, for you to heal and grow from them, otherwise you could continue self-sabotaging and would afford the consequences no matter how much you do want to avoid them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please be really gentle, truthful, understanding and supportive with yourself, and get the support you need in order to take good care of yourself, effectively cope with this overwhelming situation and build the happiness and fulfillment you deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you s possible.

Customer:

Which is the best way to see if he really does have feelings for me? Should I try to avoid him to see if this frustrates him?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not doubt he likes you and have feelings for you, but the point is what kind of feelings he shows he has for you, and according to your story he likes you but does not want to go any further since he wants to keep taking care of his professional, personal and family life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Playing games as a way to manipulates his feelings and interest for you would never be a healthy approach, and as long as what you want is to take good care of your marriage, family and job stability, such approach would never help but literally undermine all these core areas of your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure that if you continue showing him you are needy or even hard to get but still open and willing, since you already told him about your feelings, it is very possible he would try to take as much advantage of that, while making it clear it is your choice and responsibility and not his, since it is you who has been pushing it. This is why you need to be very clear of what you want do afford here. Perpetuating a lover without reciprocity nor any conditions is not that hard, but to get real respect, love, caring , support is just a totally different thing when we talk about relationships.

Customer:

Very true

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to keep in touch, since I'd love to follow up and support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I have decided that I want to tell my boss that I want to have an affair with him. No matter how bad this sounds this is what I want and need no matter the consequences. I sent him an sms a couple of days ago and asked him: 'can I send you a message only for you to see it?' as I was worried just in case someone else sees his messages for example his wife as I wanted to tell him that I want to be with him, but he didn't respond so I didnt say anything and the next day at work he kept on looking at me but acts normal and friendly as always to me. There is a large age difference between us as I am 30 and he 45, I am an attractive woman, but the only thing I fear the most is REJECTION, I dont think I will be able to cope if he rejects me, this is what holds me back from saying anything to him. From all the above do you think he will reject me? And what is the best way to tell him that I want to be with him? Thank you!

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.
I am sorry to know you have decided to try to have and keep an affair with your boss.Based on what you already share here before, I'd say that he has already showed you that he i snot willing to undermine his professional, personal or family life because of you, and that could be taken as rejection already, and it confirms he is unwilling to make anything that could create problems in his life. He could try to take advantage of your unconditional disposition to become his lover if you keep pushing it, but he could easily think that it would not be safe for him, and that it could make him feel uncomfortable and not safe at your job place. As you can see there is nothing that could ensure you he would not reject you in one way or another sooner or later. I'd even say that he has already set a boundary when he told you he does not want to have an affair and for you to forget about it. I think you are obsessed about him, since you have changed from not being willing to do anything that could harm your marriage or family, to wanting t do whatever it takes to have an affair with him and unwilling to get rejected, since that seems to be now your core priority and something you cannot handle at all.

Please do seriously consider my previous suggestions, for you to get individual psychotherapy as soon as possible, since I believe that unless you work on rehabilitating from the personal problems leading you to self-sabotage and expose to these very dysfunctional patterns, you would end pushing situations where you would end creating or promoting situations where you would be rejected, used and abused even when that's the very last thing you want to happen. I can tell you since I have seen this many times, specially in women with serious issues around their sense of self-worth, self-image, personality and with painful unresolved feelings from past episodes of abuse, neglect and trauma. I hope you get this support as soon as possible.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Deep down I know that everything you just wrote is true. The reality is that my husband never gives me the attention I need, he is unemployed for 2 years now and is finding it difficult to find employment, he keeps on asking me for money so that he can gamble, this is all he thinks about. We dont fight anymore as I do not feel in love with him, I just get on with him for the sake of our child, he does not know I feel like this. I see in my boss everything I ever wished for in a relationship, I know he would not risk anything for me. I cannot find a new job as there is a major crisis in Cyprus were I live. I sometimes think of telling my husband the truth but im so sure he will not support me or try to change into a better person. As you can see there is no way out.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.
I am very sorry to know your marriage has become this dysfunctional, creating so much pain and distortions. I am afraid your husband has serious personality problems, and id addicted to gambling, and that you have also developed what is known as love & sex addiction, which appears as an obsession towards romantic and/or sexual relationships our of neediness, emptiness and frustration. I am afraid that your husband could even consent for you to engage in this addictive behavior because of his own serious addictive and mental health problems. He is not only using and neglecting but abusing you financially to perpetuate his addiction and dysfunctions.

I have to tell you that justifying this very destructive marriage-reality telling yourself that you do it for "the sake of your child", is the biggest illusion you could create and perpetuate, since here the only real helpless victim if=s your son, and there is nothing healthy or good he could get from this very unhealthy and distorted reality, sine it is shaped by these serious mental health disorders, addictions, neglect and abuse, he would also develop serious personality and other mental health disorders including codependency and other addictions in case he continues to be raised into this dysfunctional reality.

Please look for intensive individual and marriage psychotherapy, and commit to your rehabilitation process, getting all the help you could get from your healthy family members and close friends.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I thank you very much for your advice, but I m not sure if I will ever be strong enough to face reality, I believe in time I will fall into a major depression. The only thing that gives me strength is my son.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.
You're very welcome. I do believe you already suffer of depression and anxiety, fueling this addictions, and that you and your husband have been mutually enabling each others disorders, and unhappily here the real victim as I said is your son. I believe you love your son, and as you said he is what gives you strength, please look for professional psychological treatment and join a support group besides of getting all the help you could get from healthy people around you, or your son would suffer pain and suffering from problems even more serious than the ones you and your husband have been undergoing.

I hope you come to terms with reality and take full responsibility for your own rehabilitation process, and to take good care of your son; and I hope your husband chooses to do the same, if you w=you should commit to your own rehabilitation anyway, since it is about your own and your son's lives and well-being, otherwise further pain and suffering would lead you to much more overwhelming crisis where rehabilitation and consequences would be much tougher.

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