How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Mark Your Own Question

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5099
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Mark is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am having a rough time getting over an ex boyfriend. We broke

Resolved Question:

I am having a rough time getting over an ex boyfriend. We broke up in May. He cheated on me. The thing about it though is that he said we were not compatible and he says it "just flows" with his new girlfriend. I understand that people change and feelings change, but its been six months now and I just cant seem to get over it. I was diagnosed with depression and I am currently taking antidepressants. Its changed my whole outlook on life and relationships. He recently called me about two weeks ago at 4am (he sounded drunk) to give me "closure", six months after he cheated on me. I didn't answer and he left a voicemail and left a song. He also sent me a text saying he wishes me happiness and he knows how hard it is to move on from the past... It threw me off because he's still with the girl he cheated on me with.
Lately I've been thinking maybe I need to sit down one-on-one with him and talk so I can finally move on. I don't expect him to have an answer. I don't want to see him but I feel I have to do this for myself. What should I do?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

I have a couple of questions to start, if that's okay:

Dr. Mark :

first, when were you diagnosed with depression? Because it sounded like it might have occurred as a result of the break up. Did it?

Dr. Mark :

And second, are you having any psychotherapy to help you with the depression or only medications?

Dr. Mark :

Hi, the system says you've entered the chat but you haven't typed anything in yet.

Dr. Mark :

Go ahead and type in a hello to let me know you're here, okay?

Customer:

Hello,

Customer:

Hello,

Dr. Mark :

Hi!

Customer:

Hello I was diagnosed after the break up. I was going to counseling but stopped going

Dr. Mark :

I see.

Customer:

Currently I am taking medication antidepressants

Dr. Mark :

Was this feeling you have of needing to see him in order to feel like you can move on worked on in counseling?

Customer:

No

Customer:

im thinking of going back to counseling so I can work on it

Dr. Mark :

I think that would be so useful. Because I'd like to share

Dr. Mark :

with you something I've found to be true almost always when working with good people who feel

Dr. Mark :

there is no closure

Dr. Mark :

from having left a person who cheated on them:

Dr. Mark :

And you have carried this hurt for a long time now.

Dr. Mark :

Here's what I've found:

Customer:

Ok ...

Dr. Mark :

when you talk with him, it doesn't offer any real closure; It only reconnects you to him.

Dr. Mark :

And when you reconnect to him, you reconnect to the pain.

Dr. Mark :

So, it does the opposite of what you hope.

Customer:

I see

Dr. Mark :

There is no "movie" like way of saying goodbye to someone who hurt you.

Dr. Mark :

Real life doesn't work that way.

Customer:

I just wish he had told me that he fell in love with someone else before he decided to cheat on me

Dr. Mark :

Yes, I can imagine.

Dr. Mark :

Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the cheaters in the world were considerate and kind/

Dr. Mark :

caring, etc?

Dr. Mark :

Well....they're not, are they?

Dr. Mark :

And the humiliating part?

Customer:

I was a good to him and I loved him very much. And everyone around me says that I should just forget and move on. But its not easy. I feel betrayed. And it hurts to see that hes happy and im left in this pile of misery.

Dr. Mark :

The cheaters walk away feeling good and having the cheatee (hope that made you smile) to have a great time with,

Dr. Mark :

and the good person is left miserable and feeling bad about herself.

Customer:

And its not like im trying to stay miserable, im trying to find things that nake me happy, but it just doesnt feel fair

Dr. Mark :

That's right. I am so glad you got to the heart of it:

Dr. Mark :

It is NOT fair.

Dr. Mark :

That's why it's called cheating.

Dr. Mark :

You don't have anything to learn from him.

Dr. Mark :

You may need to improve on things about yourself, that might be true.

Dr. Mark :

But this doesn't get done by asking him for advice.

Dr. Mark :

Agreed?

Customer:

It makes me lose hope that life is just always going to be like that: the good people will always get the short end of the stick

Customer:

Agreed

Dr. Mark :

No, that's not true. That's what cheaters WANT you to believe.

Dr. Mark :

But it's not true.

Dr. Mark :

Because their happiness is built on a house of hurt. Their happiness is not a happiness you could enjoy.

Dr. Mark :

Remember that:

Dr. Mark :

his happiness is built on uncaring, on lack of caring, on unkindness, on lack of kindness.

Dr. Mark :

You would not be able to be happy on a life built on those things.

Dr. Mark :

So it's not that you cannot be happy and only cheaters can.

Dr. Mark :

It's that we who do not believe in cheating, who would not hurt others that way

Dr. Mark :

we find our happiness

Dr. Mark :

in different ways

Dr. Mark :

and with different people.

Dr. Mark :

So you have to look for people who are like you:

Dr. Mark :

the not cheaters of the world, agreed?

Customer:

Yes, do people like that ever change?

Dr. Mark :

I can't tell you very much; they rarely come to therapy! (I hope that made you smile as well.)

Customer:

Lets say he really fell in love with her, he would change for her right?

Dr. Mark :

It's the GOOD people who come to therapy.

Dr. Mark :

And that's fine with me.

Dr. Mark :

Because when you work with a counselor, focus now on how to recognize that you don't need to just be "happy" at any cost. That's not who you are. Maybe he's like that. But you care about not hurting people.

Dr. Mark :

And that's more important.

Dr. Mark :

So your focus is on how to find others who share your goodness.

Dr. Mark :

That's where your happiness lies:

Dr. Mark :

in finding others who are also good people, okay?

Customer:

Lets say he did love her would he change for her

Dr. Mark :

No guarantees.

Dr. Mark :

Not necessarily even a 50% chance.

Dr. Mark :

But I want you to notice:

Dr. Mark :

you're focusing on HIM, not on you.

Dr. Mark :

That's why seeing him is not closure.

Dr. Mark :

Your friends are right: closure is indeed moving on. Recognizing who YOU are and focusing on you, not on him.

Dr. Mark :

And that's what I want you to do, because it's so important for you, okay?

Dr. Mark :

Okay. That's the key here: you focusing on yourself, not him.

Customer:

Ok

Dr. Mark :

And you remembering that when you find yourself focusing on him, then you are actually avoiding what's important: focusing on you.

Dr. Mark :

So let the counselor help you with this, because you are the one we need to focus on.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, time for me to go into therapy sessions in my own office. So I want you to know that you are worth the effort for yourself to focus on you and not on him, okay?

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

what about age, does it matter

Dr. Mark :

Hi, I'm back from session; are you still there?

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5099
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency