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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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internal mixed feelings...

Customer Question

 I have a little bit of an internal conflict. My "fair weather" friend is emotionally supportive and in other ways, is selfish and does not give herself, nor go out of her way for you.  Rarely, has she offered help .  We stopped exchanging birthday gifts several years ago.  Yet, yesterday was her birthday and I stopped by with a gift and a short visit. She has been supportive of me emotionally. Now, I have an internal conflict as to whether I did the right thing because now she's going to feel indebted to me and she was the one who iniated the stoppage of gift giving years ago.  Yet, she almost always suggests to take me out for lunch for my birthday, either on the day of or at a later date.  I am NOT always up to going out due to my health condition.  She seemed happy and said she was verklempt

Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear Dawn,

It is too late to un-ring the bell. You did what you felt like doing and that is fine.

Don't think aout it. That would be unneccessary obsessive thinking.

She will feel she has to do something for your birthday. When that time comes around you will have several options. One would be to say not thank you, XXXXX XXXXX would not be fair to her and she really would want to reciprocate. A second would be to go out with her if you feel up to it. A third, and this may be the best, XXXXX XXXXX to tell her that you would love to have lunch with her and you can ask her if she would mind to pick it up and you could both dine and chat at your home?

That way, everyone would be satisfied. She would fulfill her need to reciprocate your generosity with hers, You would not have to refuse it and thus thwart her, and you can both have a nice, relaxed meal and enjoy each other's company.

I wish you a lovely day. Try not to have regrets for spontaneous acts of kindness and generosity. That is a wonderful trait and you should never try to second-guess it.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Thank you Elliot. Why did I make such a mistake? So, I dont do it again...

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Dear Dawn,

It was not a mistake. It is what your heart told you at the moment. Don't fall into regrets. If it comes up again, then you can choose NOT to stop over with a gift.

You didn't do something negative; rather you did something positive. You never no what good will come out of it, but it was a thoughtful act of kindness. These should never be regretted. You cannot suppress your sweet side.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Thank you ELLIOTT !!
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
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