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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im confused. Ive been deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months.

Resolved Question:

Im confused. Ive been deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months. Before I left I got engaged to my boyfriend, now fiancee, of two years. I was so excited to be engaged and the thought of getting married was exciting. But now that I have returned my feelings are different I have a sense of anxiety about getting married. I have been engaged before and felt the same way excited initially and then anxious after awhile. Im nervous that I may have chosen the wrong person to marry. On deployment I had a very close male friend that I became very connected to, did not cheat on my fiancee, just a close friendship. My friend has more than just friendship feelings for me and wants to enter a relationship with me. Im struggling to decide who to continue my relationship with. I feel like I may have feelings for my friend now that he has revealed his feelings to me. But Im not sure if Im just scared of commitment/ marriage and im looking for a way out. Who do I choose?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly a very sad and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long did you date your fiancee before you were deployed?

Customer:

It is and I am very distressed. I dont want to hurt either party

Customer:

2 years

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, I can see that, how much you care about both of them.

Customer:

I do very much so.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

At the same time what you describe here does show that your present feelings towards your fiance are far away form being strong enough to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and that what seems to be keeping you from ending this commitment is not love and your need to build a life together because you truly feeling like doing it, but mostly because of a sense of guilt, once you promised you were going to get married, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said that you feel you may have chosen the wrong person to marry, could you please tell me more about it?

Customer:

Yes I dont think im in love anymore. I do want to give my friend a chance. But Im scared it wont work out and then I ruined a relationship with my fiancee

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. I would say that independently of having this friend present in your life or not, the fact that you do not feel in love any more and do not think your fiance is the right person to be your life partner, is good enough reason for you not to continue a serious commitment like this , otherwise you would end hurting yourself and the other person even more. This is not your fault, since you did not intentionally planned to stop loving your fiancee but you just found yourself that you pushed it too soon and that time has shown you it was a mistake, and that this friend of yours has just triggered this process making it evident you were going too fast into a commitment without truly feeling sure about how good he was for you.

Customer:

When I first started dating my fiancee we had a rough patch and almost broke up a few times. THere are a lot of things that still bother me but I feel like I overlook them. We share a lot of similar interests and our lives are very similar to each other. we have teh same goals in life. But he is slightly controlling and at times does not like my friends so im afraid the lifestyle i have will quickly change when we get married in teh regard that i will have less time with friends (because he doesnt want to hang out with them0

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You and nobody can truly know what will happen in the future, it is impossible to know, only time will tell, but what you can and should focus on, taking full responsibility for it, is about your conscious choices and actions about how to ta good care of yourself and life, while playing a healthy role in these other people's lives too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then while you share some interests, you are very different in the way you think and approach things, and even incompatible in different areas, what leads you to feel this afraid that once you formally commit to him, he would not respect nor support your individuality but push you to adjust to his won ways, right?

Customer:

Yes that is it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If before you left and met this friend, you already have these issues, and there were this "lot of things" that bothered you and still concern you this much, beside of you feeling you do not love him, it is obvious to me that pushing yourself into a formal commitment and then marriage while you feel the way you do, would be pure self-sabotage and cause much bigger pain than facing reality and addressing it in responsible and assertive ways as soon as possible, in order to take good care of yourself and allow him to do the same.

Customer:

Everytime im in a serious relationship I always have doubts when it comes to marriage I dont know if this is because I have a fear of marriage or if I just discover at this time that they are not the right person for me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

yes it does thank you for your advice

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How many times have you found yourself in the same scenario then?

Customer:

twice

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it is not many times, it is rather normal for a person to feel this way if there has not been concrete experiences giving you the confidence the other person was truly a good match for you, and denying it , enabling further attachment and commitment, would have led you to literally betray yourself,, while fueling further expectations , exposing it to a very painful disaster sooner or later.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What's your age?

Customer:

27

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then you are a young adult and it is obvious to me that the tow people you have seriously dated have lack these core requirements you need to feel truly comfortable, fulfilled, understood and supported.

Customer:

thank you. this was great advice.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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