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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. I

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I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. I really enjoy her company and I feel we work very well as a team. She is exciting, fun, interesting, and caring. I love so much about her. I also love the two little boys she has. Unfortunately, she lied to me about her relationship with her ex who is her boy's father. She lied to me hundreds of times when I would confront her with what I saw as sketchy behavior. She implied that I was just a jealous boyfriend. She had actually been sleeping with him for a year while she was with me. She also was sexting a coworker during that same period of time. It was all revealed to me after snooping through her email and phone. She cried and said she was sorry. She said the sexting was nothing and that she was only sleeping with her ex to keep him in the boy's life. I decided to stick it out with her. It has been since february 2013 since I learned most of it. The affair supposedly ended in August of 2012. Since then we have had numerous fights about her boundaries and behavior towards her ex. She always says she is just being herself and the only interacting with her ex when the kids are involved. However, after one of our fights she broke up with me. The three days after that breakup she spoke with her ex everyday for more than 15minutes which I found out by looking on her phone. I had asked her about talking to him and she said she hadn't. I try to point out that is a lie. She now says she just forgot. One of those calls was after 9pm for 20minutes. She says she can't remember what that conversation was about. She swears up and down that she has changed and I am just not seeing things the way they really are. I feel she lied to me and I have to end it somewhere. Am I missing something?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating and concerning situation.

Customer:

I think frustrating is a good word to use.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say it would be overwhelming for most people in your shoes.

Customer:

It was at one point.

Customer:

I feel I have found some calm now.

Customer:

And resolve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to hear that. Could you tell me more about it?

Customer:

I think for me the hardest part is seeing her on a daily basis as this caring and loving person and then learning later she has lied to me and betrayed me.

Customer:

And I can't even get her to acknowledge it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That is very serious, since for her to have been perpetuating this systematic dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal for this long and to continue to deny it, is just very concerning and shows how distorted her very personality has got.

Customer:

I was convinced that she was progressively getting better.

Customer:

I think to some degree she has.

Customer:

However, this last thing where she talked to her ex right after we broke up.

Customer:

I feel like that says something.

Customer:

And that she kept it from me even after I asked.

Customer:

And then that she had a conversation with him late (for us) at night with her ex and she conveniently can't remember what it was about.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since this is not about an isolated incident but about chronic very dysfunctional behaviors, this would not significantly change for better but in after a long term process, with professional support if it happens at all, and everything you said, shows her inability and unwillingness to even face reality, so not accountability at all about her choices and actions, the manipulation, neglect and abuse.

Customer:

What does it say about me to stick through all of this?

Customer:

I felt I was in a great place when I met her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but it does not look good at all.

Customer:

Does it say anything about what I need to work on moving forward?

Customer:

Am I needy?

Customer:

Why stick with a girl afterall that?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could show how you have been tolerating too much for too long, enabling the very abuse and dysfunction you wanted to eradicate from your relaitonship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Codependency is how we call it, where you literally self-sabotage exposing yourself to be disrespected, used, neglected and /or abused, regardless the obvious and serious evidence that she has not been even honest nor respectful towards you for that long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The person could literally become addicted to the other person, to the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it coudl get.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In order to build and promote truly healthy and fulfilling relationships, both partner must at least be totally honest, respectful and accountable, and from there nurture real caring, affection, empathy, understanding and support, which must be reciprocal, otherwise, no matter how much one person pushes himself, the relationship would not work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

yes...It is hard when the other person swears up and down that they are actually being all those things.

Customer:

Even in the face of damning evidence.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it is!

Customer:

Which then makes me question myself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

And it shows how distorted her personality could get

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No abuse,neglect or manipulation between adults could happen, unless both play a codependent - dysfunctional role, in a more active or passive way

Customer:

I get that.

Customer:

I appreciate your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to confirm these concerns, but it is necessary for you to start taking good care of yourself, strat your rehabilitation process and not to expose nor enable any further neglect nor abuse.

Customer:

It helps getting some confirmation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please work on improving your sense of self-worthiness, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect and assertiveness, rehabilitating from codependency, and growing wiser and stronger from this very painful period of your life.

Customer:

The funny part is I have always prided myself on those things.

Customer:

I think I allowed myself to go down a dark rabbit hole that compromised my confidence and esteem.

Customer:

And what I was willing to put up with.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If from realistic and assertive insight you take consistent actions to work on improving your self and reality, then this process with all the pain it contained would become something positive in your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But these situations happen for us to become more aware, to grow , to mature even more, in order to be able to create a healthier and more fulfilling reality.

Customer:

ok..thanks again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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