Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Hello, I am sorry to know about this concerning situation
How long ago did you planned this visit?
2 months ago
Then he knew well in advance about it and there is no way to justify he not being available to share with you now that finally these precious days have come, right?
But he even thinks it is stupid for you to expect him to comply with your own agreement...
which is just overwhelmingly concerning, sad and frustrating
is that so much to ask for? or is it wrong for me to ask to rescedule
I do not think so, I think is totally valid, reasonable and consistent with your agreement, it is about "mutual" respect, understanding and caring.
It is very concerning sine it seems he is unable and unwilling to consider his position here and how it's affecting you.
how would I even go about it again, as of right now we are not talking because he said it was stupid yelled at me and hung up
and I am not the type of person to just jab at him when he's angry, as I have learned you get nothing across
It's very overwhelming, since it is not only about a simple disagreement, but about clear abusive behavior, which goes against everything a healthy and adult relationship should be and allow.
Right, passivity and acting out in dysfunctional ways are both unhealthy extremes and would not lead to any improvement here.
First you need to set and keep healthy boundaries and limits around what is acceptable or not in your relationship.
as I know you don't know my relationship it is hard to decide, but this isn't the first time that everything has to go his way, would it be wise to break things off
how do you even set up boundaries
he is just so stubborn that he doesn't consider my feelings
Then is this is not an isolated episode but a pattern, where he is even unable and unwilling to respect and be sensitive about your feelings, how could you expect him to be a truly loving , protecting and supportive life partner?
As soon as any unacceptable behavior appears, you would have to confront it, being respectful, owning your feelings, but making it clear that it is unacceptable fr him to be disrespectful, abusive or not accountable in the relationship.
very much easier said than done.
I don't know what keeps me
Then let him know that you could not continue to tolerate any of those behaviors, and that if he does not change his ways, you would have to focus on taking better care of yourself without exposing to the abuse any more.
Absolutely, it is very easy to talk about it, but in real life there is no way to build healthy relationships but through consistent, accountable and team work of both partners.
whenever i break up with someone i feel like its such a long thinking process and I think I'm in the beginning of it
But if one is unable and unwilling to be even respectful and caring about the other person's feelings, how could you expect anything really healthy and worthy from this relationship?
like i don't feel like putting up with it and just don't know how to breaks things off slowly
In reality, there is not effective and healthy way to "break things off slowly. If a partner does not sow through his actions, more than words, that he is not capable, willing and really caring about sharing with you in respectful , loving and reciprocal ways, then fueling high expectations about him, the relationship and attaching to them would never hep, but lead to self-sabotage making things even harder for you.
I am supposed to move in with him in two months
but do you think this is just built up anger from this pattern of behaviors
When a person really cares a bout you, he would show it starting by consistent respect, understanding and accountability, doing his best to promote your happiness, health and well-being. Then if instead of this, you get a person who does not even consider your feelings, and does not set you as a real priority in his life, acts in inconsistent ways and is hurtful, then please do not self-sabotage believing something deep and fulfilling would arise from it, since things do not work that way.
I am in a very confused state right now, as I can decide what seems like a logical thing to do
I would never recommend a radical change like relocation and living together when you have not been able to develop a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship yet, where trust, affection and enough harmony were very present. People could act in very impulsive ways hoping and longing for very nice things, but of they deny the very reality in front of them, they would be working against themselves and bigger and more serious destructive conflicts would arise.
Do you really feel comfortable and confident about the way your relationship has be evolving and believe it would be fine and these core issues go away once you relocate there?
How do you build a relationship long distantly
Being totally honest, open and direct, taking about what you really think, feel, want and need, about your expectations and fears, in this way you would know each other, find out is you are truly compatible and feel comfortable being and sharing with each other being yourselves.
should I call him, If I do what are some key words that are useful to get my point across of how this is an issue for me and be more considerate of my feelings
You would show and build mutual affection, respect and caring, and based on them you would know because of these concrete sharing and consistent dedication to each other, that you can and want to make things work,. then time and further experiences, specially around responsibility, an coping with challenges and problems would confirm how well and real you ahve been able to be and work on the relationship.
Does it make sense?
taking initiatives is always helpful, as long as you take full responsibility for your won words, feelings and actions, be honest, open and show you care about him and hope he could also be open and caring about your feelings and concerns, since you want to make things work between you, since you know that if one of you is not happy, the relationship could never grow and be really fulfilling.
kind of, its just hard for me because I am feeling distant towards him, and I have to see him in in two days
and while i am there he is going to do that thing with his boss's kid and i just have to shut up and swallow it because it is what he's going to do
Validate his feelings and concerns, while sharing in respectful ways your own views and how you think these situations could be addressed in ways that would be consistent with the love and commitment that you have .
now its going to be a bad visit because I'm just going to be passive aggressive the whole tiem
Please do nor repress, nor deny your feelings, since while that could appear as the nicest approach, it usually is the most destructive, since it literally fuels and distorts everything that could be healthy in a relationship.
i do tell him how i feel and just continues to yell at me about how stupid and bratty it is
You should not be passive aggressive any time, that's my point, because if you do, you are betraying yourself and enabling his ego and further dysfunction.
as what i am getting at from your advice i should try to work it out instead of throwing it away
If you address it with respect and maturity and he chooses to perpetuate his abusive behaviors, then you should nor tolerate any of that, and not to expose yourself to more of it for sure.
You should but only if he is also willing to do the same otherwise you would be wasting your time , getting hurt and more abused and neglected.
how does this sound if I told him this. I am not happy anymore, I find it hard to come in terms with you about things, as if things are a one way street, and I feel as best if we part ways.
It sounds direct, objective, clear and proactive. It is an assertive way to confront what has been unacceptable an dysfunctional in the relationship, and his response or reaction would show you if he is able and willing to come to terms with it and work on changes taking full responsibility for his role in it or not.
why do I have the feeling of doubt as if i can't let go. Is that norma
Yes it is normal and very common. many times we attach so much to what we want, hope and long for that it becomes tough to face reality and afford the pain that acknowledging it the way it is brings. This is why many coupes could stay together for long periods of time while feeling unfulfilled and unhappy with each other, trying to compensate with work, finances, children, exciting experiences, but always feeling empty and unhappy inside, or just end being very openly dysfunctional.
ok cool i get it, its the whole emotional thing thats bugging me and I am such a caring, nice person I hate to hurt feelings
To be caring and nice is wonderful, as long as it does not get confused with trying to please people becoming codependent to the point you end allowing people to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you.
another factor is that I am very close to his family, and how do i cope with that
Please take the time to carefully reflect on this, assessing your core needs and expectations from this relationship, then take consistent actions from there.
do you think that some of this confusion could be coming from my parents relationship...In the past 4 months my parents have been fighting constantly, verge of divorce and I'm being tossed back and forth on hearing each side of their stories and sometimes its just plain confusing and feel like its affecting my life too
it is another challenge for sure, but again, no matter how close you are to other people, an even more the closer you get to somebody, the more important the need to be assertive, set healthy boundaries and not to engage in a codependent circle, which would lead you to self-sabotage while enabling what is destructive, from attachments to abuse. Your sense of self-worthiness should never depend on what other people think or feel about you, unless then happen to be your very support system and rooted in :"mutual" respect, maturity, sensitivity and caring.
It does always come from our parents whether we were more or less aware of it.
I am sorry to hear that, it is tough for sure, and only you know how painful and conflicting it feels.
I do always recommend people facing with any challenging life issue to consider counseling or psychotherapy, specially when things become overwhelming and unhealthy. It is very easy for us not to be objective and to fool ourselves, and if our own parents haven't been able to provide enough good parenting, affection and support, and have developed serious issues and conflict affecting us, then professional psychotherapy should be a must to take good care of our selves, from coping to healing and growing from it.
ok cool! i think i got everything i wanted thank you for shining some new light in. I appreciate your patience and your help, i thank you
You're very welcome, Thank you for your trust.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing to support you.
Take gentle care.