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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have been seeing a man for the past 6 months

Customer Question

I have been seeing a man for the past 6 months. I have fallen in love with him, very deeply. When we first started seeing each other, he had just gotten out of a relationship and so we were not too serious, however, I told him that I was the type of girl who didn't go into things lightly and that I could not be with somebody and sleep with somebody for 6 months to a year without getting attached. We can talk about anything for hours, have a great time together and he is the first person I have met who I really open up to about anything.   About a month and a half ago, I told him that I was in love with him and have told him a couple of more times. He never said anything back and it has been bothering me since. This weekend, things came to a head, as I have been picking fights with him, not intentionally, I think I have been freaking out because I do not know how he felt about me, etc. Yesterday, I finally asked him how he felt about me, he said that he didn't love me, but that sometimes it takes more time for him and for men in general, he said I was his friend, his lover, etc..  he cared about me and that it was super important that we shared friendship, sex and everything together and that he wasn't the mushy type. I told him that I needed space, that I couldn't be with somebody who didn't love me back. That I deserved somebody and wanted somebody to be super in love with me, and that he deserved the same thing as well... meaning to be in love with somebody as well. He was sad, said he didn't want me to go, said that I should take all the time I needed that he would wait for me. That he didn't know what to say, that he couldn't make any promises but that his feelings for me could change. He looked very sad to me and kept asking if he did something wrong, etc... I have the feeling that he is scared and that he does actually love me. I am not sure what to do, I am going to take a couple of weeks, not talk to him, etc.. and going to try to figure it out. What do you think? Do you think people grow into love? Am I pushing him too much? I know everybody has different speeds, but do you think that I should continue waiting for him or am I kidding myself?

Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help with your situation.

You are in a one-sided love affair. This is called unrequited love.,

This is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affections, or in this case is aware but cannot reciprocate them.

This is a real concept in relationships and is a very unfortunate one.

The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as "not reciprocated or returned in kind."

Being a man is not an excuse or a reason.

He is sexually bonded to you but you are just friends, or friends with benefits as the distasteful term is used.

You absolutely deserve, and more importantly NEED someone who loves you as much as you love him.

If he has not fallen for you now, be nmay never fall for you.

FWB works when it it two-sided but cannot possibly work for you without continuously tearing at your heart. You are frustrated and becoming angry at him or at the situation or at both.

He cannot help his lack of feeling for you, but if he cared about you he would not let you hang on in pain and misery, and would end it.

He may not be capable of loving you or perahps any woman.

I think that you should break up with him. If he truly loves you or has a change of heart, he will follow you to the ends of the earth. Otherwise he will just move on and so will you.

I shall keep you in my prayers for a positive resolution to this situation.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Thank you for the reply. I guess I knew this, but it truly breaks my heart. I have never loved any man like this before and have always seemed to end up with men like this. I must be picking these types for a reason, maybe I am just afraid. I love him and truly hope that he comes to his senses, however, I have a feeling that you are right and that he just does not or can not give me the same thing. I will try to stay strong and do my own thing and move on with my life. Thank you again, I really appreciated hearing your words.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
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