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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im feeling confused with my relationship and wonder if I should

Resolved Question:

I'm feeling confused with my relationship and wonder if I should break up?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please tell me more about it.

Customer: Hi Dr., this is the same user we had spoken a couple times about my situation...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Let me refresh my memory.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I do remember you.

Customer: I hung out with my ( girl) friend tonite and started to complain about my boyfriend and we haven't been intimidate in months
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How have you been?

Customer: Ok, not too bad
Customer: just feel a bit stuck, but I was able to be honest with him after we connected and he got mad at first but then he realized I missed him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Customer: so I guess I had this moment while I was driving that I was asking myself what am I doing? I'm trying to be patient and there for him with his dads passing and helping to talk a little about it
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand,and what happened once you had this talk with yourself about this situation?

Customer: with myself?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yu said you were driving and thinking about it, right?

Customer: just that I'm sad and I've never been with a guy that has turned me down in the intimate way; for months
Customer: andmonths and overall I'm thinking what is next??
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Correct, it's very frustrating, and very real

Customer: we have not talked about marriage but he is dealing with two deaths in his family right after one another so how can I be so selfish is what I say to myself
Customer: i say I should be thankful for what I have and he is a very responsible stable amn
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being responsible and financially stable are positive things, but on the other hand, whenever we talk about healthy relationships, and even more about marriage, that would never be enough, since they require much more

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Romance, passion, intimacy, fluent communication, and more

Customer: yesam yes, I'm missing the passion and intimacy and I guess I feel in this world it's harder to find guys that don't cheat ( over never been cheated on). But I guess I don't have faith there are good guys out there...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is grieving for sure, and it seems overwhelming, then it would take time for him to rehabilitate from it, and because of that thinking about marriage when having not even developed the core of your relationship because of this life issues would not be wise at all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There are, not as many as the bad ones but you could find them. It is much harder and takes real work, but it is worthy. Just do not attach to the expectations you create about a relationship that is still too limited out of fear of not getting anything better, that would be very unhealthy and self-sabotaging

Customer: we had intimate issues before his dads passing because his grandma passed and I guess I feel guilty with all this; the last time we spoke truthfully he gave me an "out" but I couldn't leave... I do this where I talk about my issues then am at work with him the next day and its ok until we are not with each other because he said he was on autopilot because of his dads death; but he said he's trying to be around for us... But I don't think he can
Customer: can you clarify your last sentence?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that's why you need to always bring yourself back to reality in order not to mislead yourself into something that is not there. If he happens to work on himself and make necessary changes and rehabilitates, then he would be able to be ready to work on your relationship if he chooses to do so, otherwise it would be the same or worse.

Customer: he says he's trying but he admitted he's going to be "messed up " for a while and that if I was going to leave i should leave now... When he said that so matter of fact it put fear in me and I stayed
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I meant that there are good men, but as everything good in life, for you to find them and to build a good relationship wit them, you first need to work on yourself, and take the time and make efforts to literally build a healthy relationship, which is never easy. While on the other hand, too attach to an unhealthy relationship, justifying it's OK because you fear you would not be able to find another person who could be better, fearing it would be worse, is not a wise approach, you set yourself for unhappiness

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Well, he is acknowledging he is not fine, and that he will not be fine that easily, and that it is up to you if you want to afford it or not.

Customer: Yes, I've had trouble trusting myself to say how long I want to wait
Customer: and I work with him every day in a small office and I don't think I can work everyday if I chose to leave the relationship
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you need to reflect on it being totally truthful with yourself, realistic, well aware of what you really can and want to afford here,

Customer: i think I've been back and forth in my head for a year...it's so hard for me to really kniw
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's a big problem, but you would need to face it otherwise you would seriously self-sabotage, always finding reasons to perpetuate something that's obviously not working for you. But you are the only one who truly knows what you want and feel.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Set a time frame, and if after that period things remain the same or worse, please take consistent action, otherwise you would not be nor feel better.

Customer: Do I tell him anything or would this timeframe be withbmyself
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is something you need to decide by yourself, and it coudl be better to be totally honest towards him, that way he would know you are giving your best and another chance to see if it works, thus if even then he chooses not to work on it, then you would know that it would be even worse for you to perpetuate it even longer

Customer: I guess I don't see myself asking him because I wouldn't even know what to ask for? It's hard to really ask someone for passion., intimacy, to be "happy" in a relationship... Again the guilt appears
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is not about asking him, but about letting him know for how long you are willing to wait hoping he could do necessary work to rehabilitate and to work on taking better care of your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's not about pushing him, that way it would never work, it must be something he rally wants to do, otherwise it would be dysfunctional, fake.

Customer: Ok, that helps, ugh, feels like I'm asking a lot when he's grieving but I am not happy and not married ( but feel like I am!)
Customer: i just wonder if this really could take years for him...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that's reality, always get back to reality for you to take good care of it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could, and that's why you should not stay in an eternal limbo phase hoping for it to happen without setting healthy boundaries and limits.

Customer: thats good advice too, getting back to reality because my heart can feel his pain and I feel bad thinking of me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Patience, empathy, support and more are always necessary, but if they are not assertively offered-implemented, they become codependent, dysfunctional, enabling what is unhealthy and self-sabotaging.

Customer: hmmm...ok. I just hope I can approach I can communicate it right; without making him feel blamed...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He has the right and need to grief and to rehabilitate from it, your role should be supportive if you truly feel you can and want to do it, but only in healthy ways, and for this role to be truly healthy, it must be set within clear boundaries, a time frame, otherwise it would get distorted and you would not end supporting him, but enabling what is destructive and self-sabotaging.

Customer: so assertive support is like, I know your in pain but let's find time to have dae night or a weekend getaway to take care of our relationship. Is that an example
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No need to feel guilty or to blame, those are distortions that only happen if you become codependent, and that's why we discussed about the need for regular psychotherapy or counseling.

Customer: yes ok, this is helpful
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it is, since if both choose to stay in the relationship, it means you wnat to work on it, while being patient and supportive because of these painful circumstances.

Customer: this is a cost effective resource via chat for me
Customer: :)
Customer: ok so I will work on this with him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, just remember that it is a public forum, that even he could read and that it has time restrictions, and it is for general information only and not for counseling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect. I support you.

Customer: yes. Ok thank you again for ALL your advice!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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