Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about your situation.
Please tell me more about it.
I see. Let me refresh my memory.
Yes, I do remember you.
How have you been?
I understand,and what happened once you had this talk with yourself about this situation?
Yu said you were driving and thinking about it, right?
Correct, it's very frustrating, and very real
Being responsible and financially stable are positive things, but on the other hand, whenever we talk about healthy relationships, and even more about marriage, that would never be enough, since they require much more
Romance, passion, intimacy, fluent communication, and more
He is grieving for sure, and it seems overwhelming, then it would take time for him to rehabilitate from it, and because of that thinking about marriage when having not even developed the core of your relationship because of this life issues would not be wise at all
There are, not as many as the bad ones but you could find them. It is much harder and takes real work, but it is worthy. Just do not attach to the expectations you create about a relationship that is still too limited out of fear of not getting anything better, that would be very unhealthy and self-sabotaging
Right, that's why you need to always bring yourself back to reality in order not to mislead yourself into something that is not there. If he happens to work on himself and make necessary changes and rehabilitates, then he would be able to be ready to work on your relationship if he chooses to do so, otherwise it would be the same or worse.
I meant that there are good men, but as everything good in life, for you to find them and to build a good relationship wit them, you first need to work on yourself, and take the time and make efforts to literally build a healthy relationship, which is never easy. While on the other hand, too attach to an unhealthy relationship, justifying it's OK because you fear you would not be able to find another person who could be better, fearing it would be worse, is not a wise approach, you set yourself for unhappiness
Well, he is acknowledging he is not fine, and that he will not be fine that easily, and that it is up to you if you want to afford it or not.
Then you need to reflect on it being totally truthful with yourself, realistic, well aware of what you really can and want to afford here,
That's a big problem, but you would need to face it otherwise you would seriously self-sabotage, always finding reasons to perpetuate something that's obviously not working for you. But you are the only one who truly knows what you want and feel.
Set a time frame, and if after that period things remain the same or worse, please take consistent action, otherwise you would not be nor feel better.
This is something you need to decide by yourself, and it coudl be better to be totally honest towards him, that way he would know you are giving your best and another chance to see if it works, thus if even then he chooses not to work on it, then you would know that it would be even worse for you to perpetuate it even longer
It is not about asking him, but about letting him know for how long you are willing to wait hoping he could do necessary work to rehabilitate and to work on taking better care of your relationship.
It's not about pushing him, that way it would never work, it must be something he rally wants to do, otherwise it would be dysfunctional, fake.
Right, that's reality, always get back to reality for you to take good care of it.
It could, and that's why you should not stay in an eternal limbo phase hoping for it to happen without setting healthy boundaries and limits.
Patience, empathy, support and more are always necessary, but if they are not assertively offered-implemented, they become codependent, dysfunctional, enabling what is unhealthy and self-sabotaging.
He has the right and need to grief and to rehabilitate from it, your role should be supportive if you truly feel you can and want to do it, but only in healthy ways, and for this role to be truly healthy, it must be set within clear boundaries, a time frame, otherwise it would get distorted and you would not end supporting him, but enabling what is destructive and self-sabotaging.
No need to feel guilty or to blame, those are distortions that only happen if you become codependent, and that's why we discussed about the need for regular psychotherapy or counseling.
Sure it is, since if both choose to stay in the relationship, it means you wnat to work on it, while being patient and supportive because of these painful circumstances.
I see, just remember that it is a public forum, that even he could read and that it has time restrictions, and it is for general information only and not for counseling.
Perfect. I support you.
You're very welcome.