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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello Relationship counselor: I am been having issues trying

Resolved Question:

Hello Relationship counselor:

I am been having issues trying to get over a broken relationship. I dated my ex for 5 1/2 years and the main reason why we broke up was because he was not emotionally expressive to me and I felt that he would always sabotage the relationship by pushing me away. The reason why he did that was because he had abandonment issues with his mom. I was there for him, but I realized I could be his therapist. After the break up we texted general things, but never really talked about the relationship. Its been hard for me because the breakup was one sided and didn't have any comments afterwards. He really didn't understand we broke up in the first place. I told him several times thru text that I need someone emotionally expressive and support and value me for who I am. We have talked about marriage and that I was ready for that next step. He was very indecisive and not know what he wants. I felt like I never really gained closure from the breakup so I decided after a month- have-space- we would meet up and talk about things.
The day I was thinking about meeting up with him was when I backed out. He texted saying I care about you. I wanted to know you deeply, I just thought I knew you more at a surface level I couldn't go into marriage like that. He thought we were going to go deeper. It worried me because if he didn't felt that way after 5 years then when will he never know and I am not going to wait. I know what I want. I deserve more of that is all he is feels. He did finally admit he could have communicated more. He keeps replying im there for you if you need anything. Much love was felt for you throughout our relationship. At this point, he keeps saying let me know if you ever want to talk. I want you to be happy.

In conclusion, its been 2 months since we broke up. I am considering meeting up with him and talking it through. I know its going to be hard to see him. Explain that its only going to work if he really understand these terms this is what I want. I don't want to be hurt because he is always giving me mixed signals. He always states i am willing to work on things, but I am living life. It sounds like he wants me and someone else on the side. could it mean something else.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help. I read your entry three times to make sure I understood it well. I believe that I do.

A couple of months ago, after years of frustration and disappointment, you finally make the hard decision to break up with him because your level of communication was not good, and because he was not providing you the emotional support and comfort that you want and need from a relationship.

In fact his level of comprehension is so different and out of step with yours that he did not seem to notice that you had actually broken up with him. This fact alone is very revealing in regard to your lack of mutual understanding.

He tells you after the fact that he only knew you superficially after all of those years.

If he really loved you he would not make lukewarm pronouncements about "if you ever neede me", and so forth.

Rather, he would throw himself at your feet, pursue you, beggingly tell you how much he loved you and would be devestated if you left.

He does not seem to have a deep level of commitment and perhaps does not have the ability to hold these feelings.

He seems that he is emotionally immature or unable to have strong emotional ties.

Is he socially clumsy? Does he hav problems making eye contact with others?

If so he may have developmental problems.

In any case, it does not seem as if you can be happy in a relationship with him. You have already made that decision and I believe that it would be in the best interest of the both of you to move on with your life and allow him to move on with his,

I wish you great comfort and ease in this transition.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC





Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Dear Tracey,

Sorry about those offers that JA has asked us to participate in. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.. I shall be happy to continue to work with you here.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 9 months ago.


Hello Elliot,


 


I appreciate your objective advice on the situation. I thought long and hard and I decided to put myself out there and I have a casual afternoon date this weekend.


 


Part of me continues to think about my ex because now and then I get a text from him. Also because I am still in mourning. He states "I appreciated you, thank you for all you did. I enjoyed your pictures." I don't know why he does that. I know he cared for me, but not deep enough to do anything to get me back. I think he just cannot emotionally express his feelings.


 


Can you give me some insight on why he is texting me like that. Do you think he misses me/miss the relationship or that he might be lonely. I know it might be hard to explain to be in his mind, but it be nice from a guy's perspective. I am going to try to keep my distance because I think that would be best. I feel that everytime I feel like I can finally move forward I just pushed backwards from him because of my feelings.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.

Dear Tracy,

He is texting you back because you are encouraging him. You will not make a CLEAN break by staying in contact with.

It is hard to stay completely away because you both have the habit of communication with each other.

The only way you will move on is to tell him not to text you or contact you any longer because you belief it will be for the best.

You can block your email, chat line, phone number, etc. and put an end to it, painful as it may be. This just prolongs the pain. The best way is to really put a stop to communicating. Stop it on your end and it will be stopped. That is the best way. It is really ultimately the kindest way even if appears to be the meanest way.


It is good to start dating others. Do that and keep him out of your life because ht is best.

I shall continue to keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards

Elliott

 

PS - PLEASE leave me some positive feedback for my help so that JustAnswer will compensate me for it. I love this work and this is why I have chosen it to do this for a living. Thank you so much.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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