How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been separated from my husband one year I have just

Resolved Question:

I have been separated from my husband one year I have just found out he has gone back to an ex wife he suppossedly detested the whole time we were together 7 years. If she arrived at the same place we would have to leave. I feel that the whole time he has been lying about her. this women also got with his mate for a few years. Q
He was emotionally abusive to me when we were together, controllong and suspicious of me having encounters with other men which I never even cotemplated.It was his abusive behaviour which lead to us breaking up I left him. He was insecure and an alcoholic.

However I can not understand why he would go back to this women and feel that he lied to me all the 7 years about her.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know bout this frustrating situation.

Customer:

people tell me just think how lucky you are that you are away from him. But it does not stop the hurt and I know that I am better off with out him but I just feel so betrayed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and frustrating indeed, but unhappily it is not uncommon once he was this abusive and dysfunctional during the time you were together.

Customer:

which seems ridiculous when we have been separated one year now

Customer:

I know all the bad stuff

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, it does. The pain is there and it is shocking, I'd say traumatic to face such reality

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is an alcoholic, has serious codependency -which is another serious addiction- and for sure personality disorders and other mental health problems, once he was this abusive and has got back to the very same destructive relationship, while leaving you, how not to feel wounded and betrayed!

Customer:

I had six months of counselling after we separated to deal with the trauma of the abuse and I have felt quite strong. I changed my name legally back to my maiden name and that was really empowering. I just feel that because of yis

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What happens is that you may have attached to the expectations you nurtured around him and your life together regardless of how awful your life together became because of his addictions and abusive ways, and this just made things harder for you when together, once he left and now that you have found out his decision to get back to his ex-wife.

Customer:

I dont understand why I feel so affected by this. It is the betrayal I guess. I changed back to my maiden name and it was empowering and I have been good for a few months now but suddenly I feel smacked down by this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were wise and proactive working on those changes and getting counseling right away. This is just another shocking news triggering the past wounding, and it is normal for you to feel this down, but you need to keep working on your healing and growing process, since you do not need nor deserve to suffer because of this person's distorted, destructive and abusive choices and actions.

Customer:

I dont know if you got what I just wrote you?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the last sentence I got from you: "I dont understand why I feel so affected by this. It is the betrayal I guess. I changed back to my maiden name and it was empowering and I have been good for a few months now but suddenly I feel smacked down by this".

Customer:

ok my other thing I think is that I feel like I cant move on with my life until I return back to my country which is New Zealand to be with my family

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember that this is about a rehabilitation process, you have been grieving all this long and re-experiencing the impact from long term abuse, this is why you feel this way; like relapsing into depression, but be sure that this is not abnormal, but part of your own therapeutic process, psychotherapy -better than counseling- is necessary to continue working on yourself. Joining and keeping active participation of a support group uses to be a very powerful way of supporting yourself and promoting the benefits of individual psychotherapy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It makes perfect sense, your family is your core support system, and being away from them while having nothing truly worthy keeping you there would not help, then I totally support your plans of reuniting them.

Customer:

ok so you are saying this is normal in the healing process .?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, this is part of your healing process, and this is why you need to continue to commit to work on yourself with necessary help from your support system, from psychotherapy, and ideally from a support group too.

Customer:

I am a workaholic thats what keeps me going until I can get back home.

Customer:

but sometimes it all gets overwhelming

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That has its pros and cons. As you said, it could help you cope for a while, until you could get back to your family, where you would focus on promoting a healthy balance, taking good care of all your core life needs and expectations.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Things get overwhelming when we repress them, and that's what I mental by the cons of compensating in unhealthy ways attaching too much to any activity like work, it could help us not to feel the pain, but the pain would remain inside and would need to be released anyway, sooner or later.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Any behavior could become addictive, and while them could bring some relief, when it is mostly around numbing our pain instead of processing and healing from it, we would end perpetuating what hurts and delaying necessary rehabilitation process, that's why psychotherapy and a concrete and active support system are so important.

Customer:

ok well thanks i will consider a support group I really dont want to go back to therapy. Well I cried two times todayand I usually dont do that

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, do work on allowing yourself to verbalize and vent, everyday, since this is an essential requirement of every healing process, and would allow you not to push yourself even more, but to bring real relief into your heart and life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Venting could be done through verbalization, journalling, drawing or any other means taht works for you, allowing you to release what you feel in cathartic ways.

Customer:

okay I guess one year on you think people think you should be over it but its really not the case sometimes you feel that you are but then as I have just found out I am not

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now it is about you taking truly good care of yourself, doing everything necessary to heal and grow from it, to enjoy your life with everything it has for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, grief could go from months to years, even more if new traumatic events arise, that's why you need to be unconditionally understanding, patient, loving, gentle and supportive with yourself, specially when facing painful circumstances.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you ahve any further questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.

Customer:

Thank you Rafael I guess I better return to some of the former therapy stuff I was doing I appreciate the help you have given me tonight. Last nigt I did not sleep and I really dont want to go back down that road again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet. Please do so, your health, happiness and well-being should be your top priority, since everything else depend on them, and you need and deserve to have a truly fulfilling and healthy life. Get all the possible tools and support you can to make it work for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for trusting me this much.

Customer:

thank you I need to sign off now I appreciate what you have given me I have the tools to use from my former therapist I just have to revisit it all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX care ad consistent action. Bye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please do not forget to rate support before leaving chat session. Thanks).

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
914 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach