Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know bout this frustrating situation.
people tell me just think how lucky you are that you are away from him. But it does not stop the hurt and I know that I am better off with out him but I just feel so betrayed.
This is very sad and frustrating indeed, but unhappily it is not uncommon once he was this abusive and dysfunctional during the time you were together.
which seems ridiculous when we have been separated one year now
I know all the bad stuff
Absolutely, it does. The pain is there and it is shocking, I'd say traumatic to face such reality
He is an alcoholic, has serious codependency -which is another serious addiction- and for sure personality disorders and other mental health problems, once he was this abusive and has got back to the very same destructive relationship, while leaving you, how not to feel wounded and betrayed!
I had six months of counselling after we separated to deal with the trauma of the abuse and I have felt quite strong. I changed my name legally back to my maiden name and that was really empowering. I just feel that because of yis
What happens is that you may have attached to the expectations you nurtured around him and your life together regardless of how awful your life together became because of his addictions and abusive ways, and this just made things harder for you when together, once he left and now that you have found out his decision to get back to his ex-wife.
I dont understand why I feel so affected by this. It is the betrayal I guess. I changed back to my maiden name and it was empowering and I have been good for a few months now but suddenly I feel smacked down by this
You were wise and proactive working on those changes and getting counseling right away. This is just another shocking news triggering the past wounding, and it is normal for you to feel this down, but you need to keep working on your healing and growing process, since you do not need nor deserve to suffer because of this person's distorted, destructive and abusive choices and actions.
I dont know if you got what I just wrote you?
This is the last sentence I got from you: "I dont understand why I feel so affected by this. It is the betrayal I guess. I changed back to my maiden name and it was empowering and I have been good for a few months now but suddenly I feel smacked down by this".
ok my other thing I think is that I feel like I cant move on with my life until I return back to my country which is New Zealand to be with my family
Remember that this is about a rehabilitation process, you have been grieving all this long and re-experiencing the impact from long term abuse, this is why you feel this way; like relapsing into depression, but be sure that this is not abnormal, but part of your own therapeutic process, psychotherapy -better than counseling- is necessary to continue working on yourself. Joining and keeping active participation of a support group uses to be a very powerful way of supporting yourself and promoting the benefits of individual psychotherapy.
It makes perfect sense, your family is your core support system, and being away from them while having nothing truly worthy keeping you there would not help, then I totally support your plans of reuniting them.
ok so you are saying this is normal in the healing process .?
Absolutely, this is part of your healing process, and this is why you need to continue to commit to work on yourself with necessary help from your support system, from psychotherapy, and ideally from a support group too.
I am a workaholic thats what keeps me going until I can get back home.
but sometimes it all gets overwhelming
That has its pros and cons. As you said, it could help you cope for a while, until you could get back to your family, where you would focus on promoting a healthy balance, taking good care of all your core life needs and expectations.
Things get overwhelming when we repress them, and that's what I mental by the cons of compensating in unhealthy ways attaching too much to any activity like work, it could help us not to feel the pain, but the pain would remain inside and would need to be released anyway, sooner or later.
Any behavior could become addictive, and while them could bring some relief, when it is mostly around numbing our pain instead of processing and healing from it, we would end perpetuating what hurts and delaying necessary rehabilitation process, that's why psychotherapy and a concrete and active support system are so important.
ok well thanks i will consider a support group I really dont want to go back to therapy. Well I cried two times todayand I usually dont do that
Please, do work on allowing yourself to verbalize and vent, everyday, since this is an essential requirement of every healing process, and would allow you not to push yourself even more, but to bring real relief into your heart and life.
You're very welcome. Venting could be done through verbalization, journalling, drawing or any other means taht works for you, allowing you to release what you feel in cathartic ways.
okay I guess one year on you think people think you should be over it but its really not the case sometimes you feel that you are but then as I have just found out I am not
Now it is about you taking truly good care of yourself, doing everything necessary to heal and grow from it, to enjoy your life with everything it has for you.
Absolutely, grief could go from months to years, even more if new traumatic events arise, that's why you need to be unconditionally understanding, patient, loving, gentle and supportive with yourself, specially when facing painful circumstances.
Please feel free to contact me if you ahve any further questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.
Thank you Rafael I guess I better return to some of the former therapy stuff I was doing I appreciate the help you have given me tonight. Last nigt I did not sleep and I really dont want to go back down that road again.
You bet. Please do so, your health, happiness and well-being should be your top priority, since everything else depend on them, and you need and deserve to have a truly fulfilling and healthy life. Get all the possible tools and support you can to make it work for you.
Thank you for trusting me this much.
thank you I need to sign off now I appreciate what you have given me I have the tools to use from my former therapist I just have to revisit it all
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX care ad consistent action. Bye.
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