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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I dont know if this question is appropriate for here, but:I

Resolved Question:

I don't know if this question is appropriate for here, but:

I have a male friend (I'll call him John) who lost his temper and briefly sexually assaulted a friend/aquaintence. He was extremely apologetic, and a couple days later she said she forgave him and John was extremely relieved. XXXXX XXXXXkes to have sex a lot, so he kept trying to verbally coax the girl into having sex (not forcefully, just bringing up the idea a lot). The girl kept saying no, but one night (about 4 days after the assault), she was hanging out with him and said she wanted to have sex. He asked her several times if she was sure, and she said yes. The next day, she was devastated, and now she is feeling angry at him. I guess she was taking Xanax, which may have impaired her judgement, but John didn't know that. Does she have a right to be angry at John for the sex? Should John have known not to have sex with her, despite her saying yes?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help with this situation.

It seems as if your female friend doesn't have very good judgement in the first place and if she was so particular about whom she had sex with then she would not be hanging out with a guy who has already sexaully assaulted her, who then talks continually about having sex with her, and finally has consensual sex with him.

If she is angry then she really should be angry at herself for having sex with "John".

John has shown that he is always craving sex, and so when a woman that he desires agrees to have sex with him then he was justifed to go along with it.

She was not acting drunk or impaired and so he did not force himself on her or take advantage of a visibly impaired woman.

This is totally her own duty, and John was merely obliging her and himself in mutallyo consensual sex.

She has no grounds to be angry or upset.

You must be a good friend of hers trying to help her out. She brought this upon herself.

I wish you joy and happiness and good health.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ELLIOTT

I asked you a question yesterday at 11:52 AM, and you responded at 12:50 AM. I have a follow up question, but it was too long to put in the "response" area of my previous question. Thanks so much for your help!

Response:
------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks so much for your very honest answer. You may have figured this already, but the girl I was referring to is me. Sometimes it's easier to ask an opinion from a 3rd person stance, just to step back and allow a little more objectivity on my part. I do have a couple of questions.

After the sexual assault, I very quickly developed a trauma bond to this guy. Perhaps that does not sound right, but that's what I would call it. About 5 years ago, I was in an abusive relationship, and I definitely had that bond with that guy. It's that highly addictive feeling that you NEED the other person. I pursued hanging out with that guy more, even though I knew logically that I was setting myself up for trouble. I also started to feel like I loved him just a couple days after the assault.

As far as the sex, I guess I am horrified that I suggested and agreed to it. I would like to say that he had some fault in it too, I think to relieve the feeling of "I could've prevented this from happening." Logically, he couldn't have known about the medication or the trauma bond. Part of me wants to say that he should have known that something was wrong when all the sudden I suggested we have sex, after saying for quite some time that I didn't want to, and very shortly after he assaulted me.

I'm not in contact with this guy anymore, so, logically, it shouldn't matter. I've been told that I need to just let go. It just hurts a lot. I felt like a lot was taken from me in the past abusive relationship, and I feel like a lot was taken from me with this guy. Perhaps I am clinging to blaming others so much because I was blamed a lot for so many things in the past. I know it's not right. I can't just go through life not taking responsibility.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Kaylei,

Thank you for getting back to me.

I wasn't quite sure if you were the subject or not. What happened to you is what has been popularly called the Stockholm Syndrome.

It is also described as traumatic bonding as you stated. This is describe in one important article as

“strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”

You can take responsibility for past mistakes but this means learning and moving on and not beating yourself up about those mistakes.

You must try to become more selective about those you get involved with, although this is easier said than done.

Let me recommend a couple of excellent books which might inspire and guide you.


Product Details

Choosing the Right Man (Nice Girl to Love, Book Three) by Violet Duke

and



Product Details

Finding A Man Worth Keeping: Dating Secrets that Work by Victorya Michaels Rogers




I wish you great success and a positive in your pursuit of happiness and lasting friendship.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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