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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My boyfriend is reluctant to do or give oral but expects

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend is reluctant to do anal or give oral but expects me to be accommodating in said acts. Its a new relationship and im conflicted on whether or not to try and stick it out and assume that role in the relationship or just give up and cut my losses.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation/

Customer:

hello, yes its a bit dismaying

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could This is very frustrating. Could you please tell me for how long have you been dating?

Customer:

a couple of months

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Thanks. How does he justify his reluctance to please you while pushing you to do what he wants?

Customer:

He just says he doesnt like it then changes the subject or walks away. I could understand the reluctance for anal but oral...its odd i have never encountered that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel uncomfortable with these sexual behaviors this early in the relationship, it would never be something healthy for you to please him just because of being pushed, while at the same time he is unwilling to consider being reciprocal, which would show selfishness and lack of maturity, caring and sensitivity.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not just about apparent incompatible sexual behavior preferences, but much more about the lack of respect, caring, understanding and reciprocity.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you t is uncommon for him to be reluctant to it, but unhappily, his pushing is not uncommon, but a behavior easily present in abusive relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For him to deny, avoid or justify his behavior the ways he does is unacceptable. How could you expect real respect, caring, understanding and support from this person in real life challenges and when facing difficulties if in a scenario like this he is this pushy and selfish?

Customer:

true thats my feelings completely, in his defense he is loving, emotional and caring. But i just really hate the fact that i kinda have to handle myself all the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You should not have to be that way at all, even more during the honey moon phase of your relationship. For him to present these behaviors this soon and being unwilling to be also understanding , loving and caring in this area is very concerning, more than a bright red flag.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestion is for you to assertively confront his unacceptable behaviors, setting good boundaries and letting him know what you need and expect from this new relationship, not being pushy , but clear about what is fine and what just does not work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he continue to be in denial, avoidant, selfish and pushy about it, then you would know how poorly capable and unwilling he is to be and work on building a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Customer:

very true.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If a relationship is not truly reciprocal, it becomes abusive and neglectful, and obviously you do not seem to be looking for anything like that, right?

Customer:

correct

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. Then please, feel confident that you are being assertive and that it is absolutely fair and necessary for you to be truthful with yourself, and consistent taking actions to promote healthy and fulfilling relationships, and if he continues to show this inability and unwillingness to work with you on building a really good relationship, then it would be better not to invest more time, energy and expectations in it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are the only one with the right to choose what you want from this relationship, then please be clear what you are willing to afford in the present, and in the long run, that way you would not get more frustrated and hurt.

Customer:

Okay, thank you i needed to hear that i was just unsure on whether or not i should just accept that as my role in the relationship; the way you put it makes so much more sense.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You should never do something that does not truly feel comfortable with, otherwise you would be enabling the other person to use, abuse and manipulate you, and that's anything but healthy or acceptable in and adult relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I understand and support you. Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

So true thank you for your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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