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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. We have a 1 1/2 yo-

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I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. We have a 1 1/2 yo- he will be two in Feb. Since our son has been born he has been obsessed with getting me to sleep with another man while he Skype’s (WATCHES) the activity from his car. I said no repeatedly. I even explained to him that due to my sexual trauma as a child, his behavior is starting bring back some awful memories. He persisted--- and not just in asking me, he would actually create profiles on Craigslist and talk to men for months pretending to be me. One man he led on/texted consistently for over a year and still to this day they will talk periodically. It has been insane. It is mainly when he is drunk- the caveat is he drinks A LOT! So, last weekend, I finally got sick of him asking and agreed. He set everything up, got all the camera phones positioned in the room, etc... The guy got there and I went downstairs to get him. My fiancé was supposed to be gone within 10 mins. Upon opening the door, my fiancé was standing in the room. He was calm and asked if he could talk to me for a minute. I left the guy outside and shut the door. He threw me on the floor, kicked me in the face, threw me on the bed, pulled my hair- called me a whore, etc... Etc... The night got worse. The police were eventually called. Anyhow, the next day he told me that he knew all along that I was not "the one." That in the beginning of our relationship, he told me he "tests" woman because he has been hurt so bad and that this was a test. Stuff has been happening forever- i.e. his defense mechanism when he feels insecure is that he gets online and talks to woman (or like I said, men and pretends to be me). Or, he contacts his ex-girlfriends to talk to them.

There is SOOO much more to this story... but all of this, "he says" is because of me. When we FIRST got together (we met on Match) I was still talking to a couple of other men and within 3/4 weeks I had stopped talking to them all together. Secondly, I had a friend (that I was intimate with, but it had been at least 2 years since our last sexual encounter before I met my fiancé) that my fiancé had a problem with me being friends with so eventually I stopped talking to him as well. Further, my fiancé states that I flirt and "get in guys faces" while we are out dancing I have never got a phone number, contacted or talked to anyone. I never thought I was flirting because I am an extreme extrovert and a very charismatic person by nature. Anyhow, I just need a reality check... I know what is going on is wrong... and I am the epitome of a co-dependent because I am praying he will change, because of course, like all co-dependents state- they are great when they are not drinking. However, it has just gotten to the point where there is absolutely ZERO trust. I am not even mad at him, I THINK I just want to leave. I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again, and that is scary. We talked about counseling, and he said he would go, but I do not even know that I want to do it. I am so confused, I just need some affirmation or something. What are your thoughts?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 9 months ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry that happened to you. That is terrible and I am glad you got the police involved. It is clear to me that you were completely against what he wanted you to do and denied him for months. The only reason you agreed to go through with it was to satisfy him just to find out it was a "test". You have every right to not trust him and feel afraid. In order for him to change it will take a lot of counseling and work on his part along with his desire to change and most importantly him admitting that he even has a problem. If you have no desire to work it out and want to leave then I think that is what you need to do. He abused you and he has no right to do that for any reason at all. On top of that he is the one that created that situation instead of accepting your denial months ago. Like I said if you want to leave I really do commend you on that and believe that is what you need to do. It is not a safe situation for you or your child and will only get worse. He would need to prove he has changed and is trustworthy, which can take months or years before you ever consider going back to him. It is not safe for you and your child and I do want to encourage you to leave. No individual deserves that treatment. His goodness when he is drunk does not outweigh what he does when he drinks or what he has done to you with this incident. He can not be trusted. Please do not take a chance with you and your child's lives.

I do wish you all the best and I hope that you follow through with your decision. Please let me know if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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