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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3032
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Thank you for your great advice. I just wanted to ask you a

Resolved Question:

Thank you for your great advice. I just wanted to ask you a couple more things. I feel that I am becoming like my mother. I notice that I am so much like her because I am always negative and irritated. I feel that I don't have friends because I have become just as depressed and mean as my mom. Is it possible? How can I change and improve myself in communication with others. I don't want to repeat this abusive circle but I "hear" my mom inside of me when talking to my husband.Thank you
Submitted: 5 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 5 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for trusting me this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, this is very sad and concerning, but very common too, childhood experiences, even more if reinforced by long term dysfunctional and abusive or neglectful parenting lead to these tough challenges and problems during adulthood.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you have already taken the first step in this process of change, which is acknowledging your present reality, being fully aware of the connection between your past of abuse and neglect and your present.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Can you read and reply now?

Customer: I also wanted to tell you that I love my mom very much, even when we fight I feel sad and guilty for saying mean things back to her. We've also had good times together when she treats me nicely and we talk about rand things and joke. I love the times we are okay.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good, it is working now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe you, and this does not make things easy for you but tougher, more conflicting.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why you need to work on healing from inside, this is a tough and log term process, that would challenge your own ego, but it is necessary, viable and worthy for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

"Healthy" love, requires self-respect, self-understanding and support, nd it is from there that you could, at the same time , show and share healthy affection, while setting and consistently keeping good boundaries.

Customer: I just feel that any minute it can go from great to awful..it happens too quickly I say one thing that somehow rubs her the wrong way and she starts yelling. I think she loves me deep down but she can't stop being abusive to everyone. I am only amazed that my dad stayed with her after so many years of her abusing him. How come he supports her behavior, why??
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your mother was also a victim of her own parent's dedficiencies and abuse, as your father too, but as I explained before, it should never be taken as an excuse for them to perpetuate any form of abuse in your relaiotnship.

Customer: Right now she is waiting for me to apologize to her but I don't feel like it anymore..I know she will not apologize first either
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Codependency is the addiction deeply distorting relationships, fueling all these destructive patterns, this is why he has not only tolerated but enabled her, becoming himself neglectful and abusive towards you. These are core distortions on their personalities that have also affected you, but you can area ware of them and can work on changing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

"Codependent No More?, is a good book taking about these core serious issues-addiction, please read it or any other best seller on codependency. Joining a support group for codependency could be a unique way for you to work on rehabilitating from this addiction, and that would also impact your relationship with them. It will not transform them, but would help your relationship, while you would be giving yourself the chance to heal and grow from it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I would do if I happen to be in your shoes, what I always recommend, is to take full responsibility for your own feelings and emotions,word, choices, actions and reactions. In this way, if you are aware of something unhealthy in them -your behaviors- you would fully acknowledge it, take responsibility and apologize for "your" mistake, but not to hold accountability for her own mistakes or abuse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This way you would be modeling the very behaviors you'd like her to learn. If she does, perfect, if she doesn't, it's OK, you'd know you did your best to take good care of yourself and to offer what you can to support her own rehabilitation, while she is the only one with the power and responsibility to choose and work on changing for good or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe she is like a little spoiled and wounded child, she was this way because of her own parents and then because of your father, she has not truly emotionally healed nor developed, it's what we known as the wounded inner child, she just acts out, and would perpetuate her illusion as long as she happens to have people around her playing a codependent role.

Customer: When I go to say sorry to her about my mean comments and she just says whatever as she has done before or she just says that she doesn't believe my apologies what should I say or do then? I am sorry if ask way too many questions.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, allow yourself to commit to your healing and rehabilitation process, work on it with your husband, and with support from psychotherapy and a support group. One step at a time could work, but stick to it, do not deviate, and if relapsing, which is normal, take more impulse and continue stronger, wiser and more motivated. This is the way of real healing and growth.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your apologies do not depend nor require her reciprocity. If she wants to take them and offer the same, perfect, but if she is unable or unwilling to do so, it's very painful, but it's OK, that's her own path, and your healing and growth processes should not depend on that. When you choose to acknowledge your mistakes, make corrections, apologize and commit to make things better, independently of how well or not she changes or reciprocrates, you are taking your own power back, the one you need to rule your own emotions, decisions, your own life, independently of how better or worse your mother becomes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would be offering presents of forgiveness, patience and understanding, compassion and support not of tolerance or enabling of any form of mistreatment or abuse, that's why you set and keep healthy boundaries and limits- if she chooses to take these presents, perfect, but if she doesn't, you have equally played your role as a real and healthy human being, as an individual, adult, and as a daughter too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If instead of her offering healthy presents to you, she chooses to throw snakes, rats and spider over you, please, just do not take them, she cannot force you to take any of them into your heart, you are the only one with the power to do that, and if you come to terms with that fact, and start working on developing this wisdom in your life, you would find yourself not reacting this dysfunctionally when triggered by her ego, but just setting and keeping better boundaries, good distance and focusing on what is constructive and healthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: It makes perfect sense.Thank you so much for your support. I will follow your advices and hope for the best!you have helped me like no one else ever did
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. You need and deserve your deepest longings to become your daily reality, own your healing process, commit to it with necessary support, and you will change yourself and your reality around you, that which depends on you, while allowing her, your father and other people to do the same, as they choose to. Focus on your marriage which should be the most important source of support for both you, and work on creating a healthy social network and support system. Thank you for trusting me. I feel very happy to know it's been this helpful. Take gentle care and consistent action and feel free to contact me as necessary, since I will continue to be here to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now :o)

Customer: Bye:) thank you again
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. Bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3032
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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