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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MY WIFE is having an affair that has been going on very strong

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MY WIFE is having an affair that has been going on very strong for at least 30 months or more, she denies it but all her actions towards me say it all. we met in feb. 09 grew close and got married in aug. 09 she go pregnant 10 09 with twins.we lost one but our survivor is now almost 4 this march. we wound up seperating rite after he was born but we talked and tried to stay close.a year went by and she moved to another state before leaving she asked me to come her family got job offers. it took me 6 months to transfer my job and when i got here i noticed she was acting a bit different but i trusted her so much i turned my head to it i found out what was going on because she was being dishonest about so many things ive sat back and watched without accusing her bcuz she gets so much help hiding it i see now she is acting like she is going to take off with him she seems so happy with that whole thing i hate to leave my little boy like that but i cant take much more ive hurt way to much not sure if i should just take off or what she doesnt know how much im hurt by this and shes in such denial its useless to even say anything about it we tried counseling she denied it then imlost i just dont want my son hurt
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality.

Customer:

yea not sure what to do from here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your story is very sad since it shows how your relationship developed very strongly and fast, and after 6 months of knowing each other you got married. I am sorry to know how you had to face this overwhelming loss of your child a year after that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me about the evidence that you got about this long term affair of your wife?

Customer:

yes thanks that makes it worse because i watched him go thru so much and the odds he overcame being born in 5 months 3 wks super premee

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can imagine as a parent what you went through, but only you know how it felt at that time and how painful it's been for you to the present, even more when facing the reality of your marriage deteriorating this much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious the grief from your initial loss has been multiplied by the grief you have from your marriage destruction because of your wife's choices and actions.

Customer:

well after i found out i noticed pre planning of events seperation from me basically not their for me lying on the go making up things to get away not emotioal etc

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then you are sure this is, as you said, a concrete reality and not only assumptions and fears of you, once you said it has been going on for ll these so many months, enabled and protected by her family and other people around her, ans that she has even been pushing you about leaving any moment with your son, right?

Customer:

im ready to go and get a counselor to prep for a divorce my insurance pays for almost anything with a small copay

Customer:

yes she says that seeing him is no problem im just a man hurting i tried with what i was allowed

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Having this certainty and having been suffering this much for all this long, taking into account that she does not even acknowledge anything about this whole serious abusive and neglectful situation, then I agree with you, that exposing yourself to further wounding, would not only hurt yourself even more, but also undermine your son's well-being, which is obviously your first priority, and you need to focus on everything possible you could do, with necessary professional support in order to protect and promote your relationship with him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see that, it's obvious you really care a lot about them, but it is also true that when in a marriage, there is no "reciprocal" respect, understanding, caring, affection and support, nothing could truly develop and flourish in healthy and fulfilling ways, but it would only lead and deepen pain and suffering, and children become the real helpless victims.

Customer:

she doesnt say shes leaving i just watch her very close its been up and down with her situation i can tell when its bad bcuz shes all sad and then she wants to tell me she loves me but its hard for me to just be ok knowing whats going on

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why, specially when reality becomes this tough, is when you need to be much more objective, assertive and proactive, taking necessary actions in order to take good care of yourself, and from there of your child, doing everything that depends on you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and it is this huge and increasing uncertainty and dysfunction what is deteriorating your mental health and life even more, and that's why you feel this overwhelming and needing to do something about it, otherwise you could suffer much more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In situations like this your "support system", should play a key and active role helping you to cope with all these challenges. Since you moved there, do you have any of your healthy and supportive family members or close friends by there r at least keep closely in touch with them?

Customer:

im here alone she and my son are my only family

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad indeed. Then please you need to set these other two areas as priorities here too. Namely, building and promoting a new and healthy support system and a social network, and consider regular individual counseling or psychotherapy in order to get the best possible professional support, since what you have been facing is tough, and the last thing you want to afford is to develop a chronic depression, anxiety or any other serious mental health disorder from it.

Customer:

yes thanks so much i think im done with this cycle i hate to say it but what comes around goess around im not being mean either

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Joining a support group would ideally complement individual therapy and allow you a lot better coping with all present and future challenges, specially because of your current limitation of not having a healthy support system, which could push you to get more isolated and vulnerable to suffer much more, leading to any of these serious mental disorders. This is something you do not need nor deserve at all, and only taking good care of yourself would allow you to continue taking good care for your son, this is why it is so important to get the best possible support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I do agree with you and totally support you. Thank you for trusting me this much.

Customer:

thanks have a gr8t one

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.

Customer:

how do i contact you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me give you the direct link to my profile, where you could directly contact me. Just remember to address your messages-questions to me-Rafael, in order for me to know you want me to reply, and I will as soon as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the link you need: http://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/expert-rafael-morales-toia/

Customer:

thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach