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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have never had a close relationship with my family (mainly

Customer Question

I have never had a close relationship with my family (mainly both sisters) I am the middle child, After we had grown up my sisters had a great relationship together with my parents, they all did things together and never seemed to ask me to join, a few times I overheard my sisters saying don't ask linda she is boring, how do they know they never got to know me. When Im around my family im quiet and my friends and neighbors love me or just people that just met me they love me. well about 8 years ago my younger sister disowned the whole family and they kind of brought my parents a little closer to me and my oldest sister just recently doesn't seem like she wants nothing to do with the family, I live 30 mins away from her and she doesn't bother calling or inviting us over or nothing and now she acts like she is also disowning the family, nobody has done anything to her, she just thinks she is to good for us and that her family is beneath her, she has 2 sons, the oldest is great he lives his own life and includes the whole family and doesn't get involved in nothing now the youngest I don't know what happened, he was so closed to me and my husband when in school and now after graduating and getting engaged his finance is working so hard in getting close to hi mother that she is pulling him away from every one else, they tell us they want us around but there actions says differently, I will buy things for there wedding, offer them to come to dinner or offer them things like furniture or stuff for there new place and they never respond or nothing, and when I am around the girlfriend for some reason afterwards it always gets back to me completely turned around our conversation and I am never with her alone my husband is always with me and he knows that I did not say anything wrong because he would jump me if I did, I think she lives in a drama world. I want so much to have the family together and it bothers me so bad that we have become apart over little trival things that your family isn't good enough, my husband tells me to forget them that if they don't want us in there life don't get involved until they come around but I want to do that but its hard for me because I am always putting the blame on myself and so truly want my family to be close. The thing his girlfriend turned around was she told us when there wedding date was & I laughed and said if were here because we are moving and right after my husband told her don't worry we will be there we wouldn't miss and about a week later I heard from my mom that I said we wouldn't be there and that's when I had to also tell her what my husband said and I didn't say nothing after that to her. Her and my nephew are moving I asked them where they are moving on facebook and go no answer, I feel it must be top secret but there actions show me that they really don't care about us. what should I do to keep my sanity since my family don't want a family relationship and I do. My mom says just be myself and be nice and don't bother with anyone and keep my mouth shut, my husband says just ignore them like they are doing with us and don't bother with them anymore if they don't want us in there life so be it. but it hurts me deeply.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

This is an issue that is completely out of your hands. You did not create the situation. You have been kind and generous and you are being treated as if you did something wrong.

You cannot control your sister, and she is evidently able to manipulate others.

You can do nothing to change her.

You have extended yourself to your younger nephew. They have learend to be like their mother. This kind of behavior can be learned and can also be influenced by leverage she might apply to them or lies she might tell.

Your older nephew is fortunately his own person. This is the nugget of gold inside the pile of ore. Be thankful for him and treasure his friendship.

Leave the others behind. You do not need further frustration and rejection from them.

If your sister had throat cancer and she stopped talking to you on that account, would you blame yourself?

Intead she has some sort of mental illness and is not talking to you. It is not your fault.

You cannot change her. You cannot make that part of the family cohesive.

Follow the very wise advice of your mother and leave the alone, say nothing, stop blaming yourself, and move on with other aspects of your life - things that you CAN control.

Your husband has also given you wise advice in telling you forget about them. You are shooting yourself in the foot, continuously, by repeatedly thinking about this and then feeling hurt.

She has already rejected you. It only hurts over and over when you keep thinking about it over and over. It is done. Please, for your sake, and for the sake of your family, stop making this so huge in your life. It is done. Please move forward.

I shall keep you in my prayers for courage and the strengtho to move forwards and stop this obsessive and useless thought.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


They have all told me to leave it alone but they also tell me to be nice, me I want to do one ad not the other, I am so tired of the way they are towards me that I don't want nothing more to do with them but than for my parents sake & my husband agrees that to be nice so like on holidays if mom and dad are at her house than I should go just stay outside on back patio with dad, but truthfully I don't even want to be around her or her son and his girlfriend I want to be left out of there drama, but I want to keep my parents happy they are 77 y/os, I feel like I am stuck in the middle of everything, I want to just say forget it all and go about my life with no family and than I feel like I have to try to fix everything for my parents sake, it already bothers my mom that my younger sister doesn't come around. I just don't know what I have done to deserve this treatment but I truly understand what you said it totally makes sense. My husband and I usually live are own life and than somehow they get involved. Like when his girlfriend stated that drama about me saying that were moving and she turned it around to say I said we weren't going to there wedding, I just don't want to go now but my mom said that I had to be nice and my sister had comments about it to my mom about us not being there, so confused and messed up. I feel like telling everybody to leave us alone but I cant because I love my parents so much

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

If you do not want to go to the wedding and you don't go, will you be falling into your sister's hands who will use this against you?

If you want to please your parents, then go to the ceremony but don't go to the reception. Tell your parents that you are not feeling well and you need to go home or possibly go to the doctor.

Just go and let them see you, and then go home. You don't have to talk to anybody you don't want to see, and you don't have to bring a present if you don't think the deserve one.

Go for your parents sake, sit with them, and then feign illness and leave with your husband. That way you will not offend anyone and you will be able to escape any socializing. Dress very nicely FOR YOURSELF and your husband and parents.

This is perhaps the best solution.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


thank you and I appreciate the answers you gave me, they made sense and all, if I ever need to ask a question I will definetly ask for you

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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