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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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About a week ago my fiancee of a 1 year and 8 months found

Resolved Question:

About a week ago my fiancee of a 1 year and 8 months found out that i had been flirtatiously texting and talking to a female i worked with. At first i denied the whole thing and the content of our conversations. Then later i admitted to her that yes i was flirting with this female.my fiancee kept telling me there was something more too the talking and texting but i kept saying no. The next day she found out i had cheated with the same girl, 2weeks before me and my fiancee were able to have sex again, we had jus had a child together.Now she wants me to tell her what we have to do to start fixing this. I still love my fiancee with my heart and i would hate to lose her over 30mins of selfish gratification.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad indeed, and it's obvious why your fiancee feels this hurt.

Customer:

yes i broke her completely when i made the terrible decision to cheat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The most important first step here is for you to come t terms with the fact that you need to be %100 honest and open towards your partner, otherwise nothing good would arise from it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. It's always very helpful for you to put yourself in her shoes, in order to better understand her points, feelings, hurt and overwhelming confusion and fears, her reactions and behaviors.

Customer:

yes i have been doing that.something i realized at the time i did the cheating is that i didnt want to say no

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Form there fully acknowledge everything your did, taking full responsibility for your feelings, choices and actions, showing her you are totally willing t afford all the consequences from them, and do everything necessary to try to deserve her trust, affection and respect back.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please tell me more about that

Customer:

i had ample opportunities to tell this girl to leave me alone while at work, i had to go buy condoms, i had to follow her to her house. so i had chance to change my mind.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Customer:

should this worry me, i dont want to ever let my fiancee feel like this again and i dont ever want to have this feeling again

Customer:

i lost everything, her, my newborn and stepkids

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure you should worry about it since it clear;y shows you self-sabotaged and sabotaged your relationship and now family you have with your partner, as you said just for 30 minutes of gratification.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then this is very serious and not an accident, this is why it needs to be confronted as such

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

or the pattern would be perpetuated

Customer:

i see, i have to be honest with myself and her

Customer:

and i do accept it as such

Customer:

that i planned the whole thing

Customer:

but

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very concerning starting by the fact you are not even clear;y aware about what led you to do this. Sure you wanted to have sex but the price you were going to afford was so high that it literally leads to overwhelming concerns about your ability to take good care of yourself and of your family.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is this the only time you do this? You said you have been in touch with this person, flirting and more, then it's been being fueled to the present

Customer:

during our relationship, i did have the urge to go on various dating websites and porn websites

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a serious couples crisis caused by a serious personal issue you need to work on yourself

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Why you felt this needs? have you been doing that before being in this relationship?

Customer:

yes i had been doing it before, i brought it into this realtionship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you been feeling truly happy and fulfilled in your relationship?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How often have you been doing that? Weekly, daily?

Customer:

okay the porn was very regular, but as far as the dating websites i had stopped doing those once she found out about it.

Customer:

i had almost lost her then too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have been having these urges to use porn and dating websites this much for all this long , including the last 1 year and 8 months you have been together, then it could be that you have developed a compulsive-addictive problem here related to porn and sex.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Which always appear with denial, avoidance, dishonesty, justification, manipulation, sabotage, lack of self-control , neglect and different forms of obvious or subtle abuse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then this is the only episode where you actually had direct sex with another person, but before she found out, you were also constantly using these dating websites while in the relationship.

Customer:

yes this is the only time i had direct sex with another person

Customer:

yes i was constantly on the websites before she was aware of it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very serious, and again it seems to point at you having developed these addictive problems, since when on one hand I can see you truly care about her and your family, on the other you do exactly the last thing you need and last thing they deserve from you, hurting and sabotaging yourself and all of them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you better get professional psychotherapy to work on yourself and on eradicating these behaviors-patterns, or the tendency would be for you to keep acting out in one way or another.

Customer:

i do care about my family, and i regret the decisions i made, but i dont know how to fix it, and she really wants me to tell her how we can start trying to fix this

Customer:

this whole situation is this raw, she found out on sunday, and i still have to work with the girl i cheated with

Customer:

still raw*

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe, based on your words-story, that the most effective, responsible and proactive approach here to really work on healing your life together is by you taking full responsibility for your actions, and committing to work on your rehabilitation process with necessary psychotherapy, which should include individual and group therapy, then couples or marriage counseling would be very beneficial, but only if you first start seriously working on yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most women in her shoes would expect and actually set it as a core condition, for their partners to change jobs, what could lead to big challenges or problems depending on specific financial, professional and job circumstances. This is something only you know, but you need to start by addressing this getting necessary support, and from your consistent actions more than from your words, she would see if you are truly trustworthy and deserve another chance, and only time would show if she can heal from it or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please focus on what you can and should control, everything else would depend on your partner and on how well things evolve from the concrete work and changes you implement on yourself and her own healing process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

okay, so i look at the things i can change in myself by getting help and making changes in these will help me to start becoming a better person

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and this is not only about you becoming a better person, as we all should work on that area, but about you rehabilitating from these compulsive addictive patterns, which could be mental health disorders, once their severity and impact in your life are obvious.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By doing this, she would be able to see that you are taking it seriously and doing your best to work on real changes, to eradicate any form of dishonesty, manipulation, betrayal and other core issues, because you truly care about them and not just because you want to use nice words to get what you want from her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That you will be taking good care of yourself because you want and need to take good care of them too.

Customer:

okay i see, using consistent actions and not just words

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Customer:

that is so true, once i care about my self enough to get help for these issues im having ill be able to show the same care to my family

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet. Please do take consistent necessary actions, getting the support you need to work on these changes and you rehabilitation process, then couples-marriage counseling would help yo in your healing process. You could do both things but just remember that for you to take good care of them and offer something healthy, worthy and fulfilling, you need to work on experiencing and creating that for yourself first, since nobody can offer what he does not posses. Everything needs to start by yourself, for you to truly take good care of those you love and that need you.

Customer:

yes sir i understand

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good!

Customer:

something she said to me yesterday had me thinking

Customer:

this is went we had made a decision to seperate..she said because of going through this with her id be the perfect husband for the next woman

Customer:

how do i get her to see that i can be that perfect man for her even though i did this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad, but it shows how hurt she may be feeling because of this painful situation

Customer:

whenever i say that i want too be that person for her she says its not possible, because she is the same person

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only by being fully honest, taking total responsibility for your feelings, choices and actions, by completely respecting her boundaries and limits and by doing your best to work on your own rehabilitation and growth in order to promote your chances for healing and a future reconciliation, Fully complying with your parents roles and showing her as much as she allows you through healthy sharing how much you care, commit to your rehabilitation process and support her and your family, while hoping she could also heal and feel like giving you another chance when she feels it could work.

Customer:

i see

Customer:

when you say i should take responsibility for my feelings, are you refering to the ones i had for the other woman, that led me to cheat?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I mean of all of your feeling, the healthy and the destructive ones, for you to be consistent and take good care of the healthy ones, while eradicating the negative ones, as part of your rehabilitation process

Customer:

okay thank you for explaining that

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please focus on your rehabilitation process and offering your best to your children, and to your partner while fully respecting her boundaries and limits. lets hope that she could heal and give you another chance, but in the mean time you would equally do your best fr your personal and your family's well-being.

Customer:

well were going to have a discussion again today, because she really wants to know how we can starting fixing this. but now i understand i have to work on myself first, taking responsibility for all my actions and feelings, and to be completely honest with myself and her. and while doing this be consistent in my actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's correct.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's the best anybody in your shoes could to and offer if being truly honest and serious about it.

Customer:

Rafael i thank you so very much for making all this clearer to me. i wish i could let you know how everything goes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please feel free to do so, since I will continue to be here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for trusting me this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not forget to rate session before you live chat. Thanks.

Customer:

okay, will i be able to review what we talked about once i hit the submit button?

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach