How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

i have hung out with these two sisters for the past 3 months.

Resolved Question:

i have hung out with these two sisters for the past 3 months. One is 33 with 3 kids the other is 28. Over time I began to like the 28 year old but never seem to be able to make a romantic connection with her. In other words, I feel like I'm in the friend zone. The problem is I spend a lot of time and money on the 2 girls, and enjoy their company, but definitely want to pursue a romantic/sexual partnership with the 28 YO and feel somewhat annoyed that I spend so much time and money on them just to be a friend. For some reason they make me out to be selfish as if all I want to do is have sex, and always say nonsense like in order to hang out with one of us you have to hang out with both of us.. and stuff about how you have to be a friend with someone first then have sex. The problem is, how much time and energy can I consume waiting to find out? They're essentially trying to make me guilty for wanting a better sexual life and having limited patience after 3 months. But how long can this continue?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating situation.

Customer:

lol

Customer:

its not that bad.

Customer:

Im just wondering how to handle it

Customer:

and what exactly to say

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very frustrating

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

because you have been working on it for 3 months, and she (28 yo) continues to tell you that you need to be friends first

Customer:

she says she needs time to process information, since we did actually first start out as friends lol

Customer:

it's just annoying though.

Customer:

like someone shouldn't feel bad for wanting to have sex with someone lol

Customer:

and not always be told "well if you really like me you'd do this, that, etc etc"

Customer:

at some point there has to be mutual agreement ,

Customer:

how do you think I should handle the situation

Customer:

its only natural for a man to get annoyed spending a lot of time and money on a girl and not having sex with them lol.

Customer:

emotional and physical needs...human biology/psychology

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is acceptable for a person not to want to have sex right away, but for her to make excuses not to start a romantic relationship while telling you with time it could happen does not look good at all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think when people do that for too long they woudl just be taking advantage of you

Customer:

to me it does not make sense. if i am fun to be around and i am spending my time and money on her why would i just want to be a friend.

Customer:

it's genuinely messed with my self esteem

Customer:

how do i make it clear to her and her sister that I want to be more than just a friend lol

Customer:

is it bad manners of me to not want to be around her as just a friend ? otherwise I'll just feel frustrated.

Customer:

another thing they seem to say is "whats wrong with just hanging out"... but whats wrong with wanting to have sex?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would tell her, the 28 yo that you'd like to work on building a romantic relationship, dating but without pushing her at all, and that you hope she feels the same. If she doesn't or if she tell you she wants to but not yet, then please do not continue spoiling them materially or financially this much or this could be perpetuated for much longer and you would only get more frustrated and upset about it

Customer:

of note is Im also manic depressive

Customer:

so this issue is extremely sensitive to me

Customer:

like being around them for too long it feels like it could trigger a depressed episode.

Customer:

because I obviously want to find a nice girl eventually.. so why not her? lol

Customer:

i get easily frustrated with sexual and romantic isolation

Customer:

I'm annoyed by how much money I've spent on women, and prostitutes. While I see some of my peers in quality relationships and enjhoying life and having kids. it's maken me very bitter toward women

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you have this tough disorder, which does not help for sure

Customer:

I have never had a serious relationship, I've just known some girls here and there but feel emotionally isolated from women

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not spend much money this way, it would not make things easier for you

Customer:

Here's the problem though. At this point it makes me look like I WANT something if I ask for a sexual relationship.

Customer:

and they use that against me as if I'm selfish.

Customer:

but again, as is natural with most men, what is wrong wiht wanting to have sex?

Customer:

especially if I'm not using her for it.

Customer:

its become kind of awkward

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you are expecting somehing from these people that they are just not willing to share with you, and that you must look for reciprocal relatioships

Customer:

is it selfish of me to feel this way?

Customer:

Is it reasonable for me to not want to hang out with them anymore?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please work on developing "healthy and reciprocal" friendships. If somebody truly wants to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you, they would show it, otherwise do not push it, since it would not work that way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it is

Customer:

I just feel too lonely if I hang around her as just a friend with no sexual or emotional connection.

Customer:

They dont' understand that.

Customer:

especially when I'm spending a lot of time and money on her AND her sister.

Customer:

I honestly get a feeling that I'm getting used, which makes me feel even worse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you have been abused financially, please do focus on more reciprocal and healthier relationships.

Customer:

but they think it's f**ked up of me to not want to hang out with them at all anymore just because I can't have sex with them

Customer:

but that's just what i want in my life right now. phsycial and emotional fulfillment, like any other guy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is acceptable for you to share as friends with people willing to do that,, but not to be used or abused financially as a requirement for friendship

Customer:

I would like to provide for a woman financially if they were MY woman

Customer:

not just a friend.

Customer:

and I really want a woman more than a friend right now. given my past, current situation, wants / needs for the future

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

that makes perfect sense

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

then please look for women who were really interested in romantic relationships

Customer:

Thank you so much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

you're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Hello, may I continue on this story.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Sure
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

It appears the problem with this story is given the context of my PAST with women. I genuinely never feel like I've had a serious relationship. For the past three years unwillingly it seems as if my sex life comprises of nothing but hookers. Even though literally everyone sees me as a normal handsome man it appears my romantic life cannot make any progress. I never seem to be in the right places and situations to meet women. I wonder to myself whether I'm culturally or socially handicapped. I ruminate about this a lot and it frustates me which forces me into heavy marijuana use to try and ease the thougths or create short bursts of manic energy. Even though I function and make money and live like everyone else, on the inside I feel like a miserable person, even though I have bouts of mania (bipolar). I feel incomplete, jealous, and bitter. It seems even when I appear confident my actual self esteem is so low that I'm not sure how to repair it, knowing that it makes it even more difficult to fix the problem. I have a sense of being abused and used for money by women considering I was set up by a stripper to get robbed on Parsons Ave. Especially given my lack of romance, incidents like that hurt me even more. I fell in love with a hooker in Vegas, and spent thousands of dollars on her. All the time I hated myself for falling in love with a woman who obviously did not reciprocate my feelings. It appears I am desperate on the inside for some sort of validation for myself as a man when it comes to women. I am tired of being complimented and being told I could have any girl I want, but often and almost always feeling a sense of loneliness. I feel mind f**ked ,

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency