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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5030
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I was married for 10 plus years. Had one adopted son and two

Resolved Question:

I was married for 10 plus years. Had one adopted son and two biological sons with ex husband. They have ex husbands name as middle name. They are now 8,10&12.

I am now pregnant and single. I was asking boys what new baby's middle name should be. And they all said should be same as theirs. That is what binds them as brothers.

What is the impact of doing this? I think this is a little weird. But want new baby to feel like he has 3 brothers even though he only shares some DNA. Is it weird that I am considering it? Is there any fallout either way?
Submitted: 5 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

So, if I understand: each of the three boys has a middle name that's the same, and that's your ex's last name. But do they have different last names?

Customer:

they all have same last name which I kept after divorce as well since i was married for 15 years. I felt no need to go back to maiden name. They all have the same middle name Matthew which is ex husbands first name.

Dr. Mark :

I'm not sure if you're typing or not, but by the way, is the ex the baby's father, or what will be the baby's last name?

Customer:

So boys want this baby to have middle name matthew as well.

Dr. Mark :

I see. What will be the baby's last name?

Dr. Mark :

Same as theirs or different?

Customer:

Same as theirs/mine. Yes. The court may make me hyphenate it if father comes forward and takes me to court but seems like that would be only change. First and middle name should stay.

Dr. Mark :

Wow, you are a strong lady. Sounds like you've been through a lot.

Dr. Mark :

So, they will have your ex's last name. The baby's father is out of the picture, so they'll have the ex's last name, right?

Dr. Mark :

So the question is only about the middle name, correct?

Customer:

Thanks. This pregnancy was not planned. I had tubes tied 7 years ago. So now divorced a few years And will be single new mom with shared custody of my three boys.

Customer:

Yes only about middle name. I want all my boys to feel connected, whether adopted, biological, or 1/2 sibling. I think their heart is in right place. They don't view it as weird giving their dad's name. They think of it as the brothers all having same name.

Dr. Mark :

I'd like to make a suggestion:

Dr. Mark :

I can understand why you don't want the baby to have the boys' middle names, so I'd like to suggest

Dr. Mark :

that you give them a project:

Customer:

But I don't want people to be weirded out that I am pining for ex husband or something. (I was one who initiated divorce)

Dr. Mark :

how about if they work on choosing a middle name for the baby that's its own middle name.

Dr. Mark :

That the baby should have its own middle name BUT

Dr. Mark :

that they get to name the baby's middle name because they're the baby's older brothers and

Dr. Mark :

that's special.

Dr. Mark :

So, give them a timeline

Dr. Mark :

for example,

Dr. Mark :

that they should meet in the evenings for a half hour or so and have "the baby's middle name conference"

Dr. Mark :

among themselves after dinner or some other convenient time,

Dr. Mark :

maybe when homework is done (?) hint, hint?

Dr. Mark :

and that they can decide on the baby's new middle name and it will be their special thing.

Dr. Mark :

What do you think?

Customer:

i have tried that and they just either say some of their friends names in their class or they ask why they can't all have same name. And they think it should be Matthew. And they want Matthew.

Dr. Mark :

I see. Well, we know now that we are thinking along the same line...

Dr. Mark :

And do you want to give them that "authority", or

Dr. Mark :

do you want to overrule them and explain that you feel more comfortable if the baby has a new middle name because you're not married to their dad any longer/

Dr. Mark :

longer?

Customer:

I think from a adult perspective it's weird. But from a child perspective I think they don't see it as their dad's and that is their name. I just want to do right by all.

Dr. Mark :

I wonder if they are not right. Now that you have said it that way, I can see their perspective much more.

Dr. Mark :

I know you're concerned that it might be interpreted as a statement you are making to your ex, right?

Dr. Mark :

I am not sure that this would be the necessary interpretation:

Dr. Mark :

I could see that it would be interpreted in the way they see it:

Customer:

I told them they could choose and they chose a name collectively saying they all want to share name and it's only right for this baby to have their brotherly name in common. (Hey they can't even make a decision where to eat for dinner, but for them this was a no brainer). Statement to ex or this baby's father. Or how my family looks upon it. Really no one at school would no since no one cares about middle name besides family.

Customer:

I have one friend that she thinks this is sweet boys would think of including baby with their name. But she is only one. Everyone else I got negative feedback.

Dr. Mark :

I am inclined to think that if you name him Matthew that it would be easily understood you named him for the sake of the boys.

Dr. Mark :

And I don't find it weird about it being the ex's name.

Dr. Mark :

It is a bonding opportunity for them.

Customer:

And how do I put my family or babys father in place that is diplomatic And I did right thing?

Dr. Mark :

What is your communication with him like?

Customer:

Baby's father? He's hostile about everything. Wanted a abortion if I didn't marry him. Thinks of this child as a bill. Doesn't want him if I don't want to marry him etc etc.

Dr. Mark :

And so if you give the middle name of Matthew it will make things worse?

Customer:

it will strictly be an ego thing with him. he is not someone I would of willingly chose to have kids with. (Remember had tubes tied 7 yrs ago).

Dr. Mark :

Right. I hadn't put it together. He does not sound like a nice person. I'm sorry you have to deal with this lack of niceness.

Customer:

i asked him if he wanted to name baby middle name and he said he didn't care. dont want him and just another bill. Etc etc. he doesn't get chose to get rid of it etc

Dr. Mark :

So, for you, giving the baby the name Matthew is really not pleasant because of all of the associations, is that true?

Customer:

I dont care honestly because I have no ill feelings for ex for most part. We have been divorced that to me it's just another name. (Although I never cared for name). To ms I just don't want people to talk about me or baby that I was weird in doing what the boys wanted.

Customer:

It's not going to be first name so I don't really care.

Dr. Mark :

Because the boys are excited and if you don't care, I can see where it could be a nice thing to do for them. What do you think?

Customer:

Ok. I just didn't want to screw up everyone emotionally more than a divorce or 1/2 sibling already does. I really just have their best interests at heart. Just didn't know if I should let them or not go through with that. And I felt they are old enough 8-12 that they are old enough to decide and know what they were doing. It wasn't like they are 2 years old. Just don't want backlash and negative comments from my family either. But I was glad they really thought it out and they were very sincere.

Dr. Mark :

I also was impressed and touched by their sincerity.

Customer:

They told me over and over that it was a brother thing whether adopted or bio everyone had same name so why this one should be different. Wanted to be brothers. So very communicative as well.

Dr. Mark :

It made a difference in my opinion about this when you wrote about their reasons for this and how they came together about this.

Dr. Mark :

So my only concern was for your feelings.

Customer:

Ok well sounds like I need to just tune everyone else out and just worry about my boys and I should get thicker skin in regards XXXXX XXXXX else.

Dr. Mark :

But you are not feeling put off by using that mame.

Dr. Mark :

I think so.

Dr. Mark :

I think your boys' unity is a beautiful thing for you to encourage.

Dr. Mark :

You know their father is not the model you want for them,

Dr. Mark :

so letting them strengthen the bond within your family of four and a half (hope that made you smile)

Customer:

Ok. Well thank you For your time tonight and clarity. Just didn't want my pregnancy hormones to get best of me. Lol

Dr. Mark :

is an important thing.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


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Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5030
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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