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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Ive been married over 21 years. My life with my husband

Resolved Question:

I've been married over 21 years. My sex life with my husband is dead on arrival. He is still affectionate with me but makes excuses when it comes to intimacy leading to sex. Should I leave him? He's never going to change.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about his overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please confirm for how long you have not had a real fulfilling and healthy sexual life with your husband?

Customer:

He takes a lot of medicine including ambien at night. He seems to rather want his cigarettes and ambien over anything else.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have confronted him about it for this long, and he continues giving you excuses , showing inability and unwillingness to change, then what have kept you trying?

Customer:

It has never been as satisfying as I would have liked, He doesn't kiss. He just gets it over with. I begged him to get help. He

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it is not that he has a disability not allowing him to share with you sexually, but he is just unwilling to work on building any healthy and fulfilling sexual intimacy with you, right?

Customer:

He's had his testocerone checked twice and it's fine. so the doctor told him it's mental. I bought a book called the sex starved wife and it explained a lot

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, that's very sad

Customer:

Otherwise he is a very nice guy but more like a roommate

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very clear book, but even when he is physically fine he just does not show interest in working on it, no matter how you feel, what is obviously overwhelmingly frustrating for anybody in your shoes, even more if you have been so many years facing this serious issue

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, and you truly feel and want to afford this reality with all the limitations it implies for even longer once he is unwilling to work on it?

Customer:

yes I am frustrated and find myself feeling like I want to run away

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Obviously he needs intensive psychological treatment for this sexual dysfunction, since it is not normal fr a married person to be this way, specially to systematically disregard your feelings, core needs and expectations in your marital life, once you are spouses and not friends or roommates as you said.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you kept this long because of your children?

Customer:

I'm ready to go at it alone. I will never go back to therapy. It didn't seem to go anywhere

Customer:

yes but the last one graduated and was at Pepperdine in CA. Now his is back with us because he didn't like the structure

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you have this bad and poor experience with therapy, but I believe you, there are many not only incompetent but even unhealthy professionals in this field.

Customer:

I wonder if this is his way of punishing me for my success. His way of being passive aggressive. He says it is the stress of work that keeps him from being intimate with me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, that makes sense, and it's sad but many marriages remain together because of that. Children are wonderful and a number one priority, but when they become the reason to perpetuate a non fulfilling or unhealthy marriage, the consequences are always bigger and more painful, even for them in their own adult lives. Well, now they are not little children any longer, thus you can finally start taking good care of yourself.

Customer:

on one hand, I am so excited to start a new life and on the other hand scared as hell!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Stress does affects and could undermine sexual life, but what you describe here is not an isolated episode consequences of work stress, but a chronic dysfunctional-absent sexual life, which is obviously neglectful and unacceptable, once he is physically fine but unwilling to work on himself and with you to build a healthy and mutually fulfilling marriage

Customer:

when do you know you are making the right decision and not just wishing for the stars?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is scary for sure, but only you know what you truly want to afford from now on, assessing the pros and cons of your options and taking what seems to be the healthiest, most fulfilling and consistent with your core needs and expectations in life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When you assess reality the way it is, taking into account objective factors, from the core changes your life would face financially, in your daily living conditions, emotionally, healing and rebuilding your social network, family and support system, just being very objective and proactive. Nothing worthy and healthy comes easy or fast, it does take time and hard work, while dysfunctional and fake things are so easy to appear and their benefits to vanish too.

Customer:

He's a good man and people with think I'm nuts. Not that I care a great deal what they think. I would never tell anyone the truth about why I can stay in the marriage. It's too embarrassing even for me. I've been asking my ObGyn if there is something not right with me since I gave birth ...I have a great body and I'm good looking. I've wondered if he is closet gay....I'm just going nuts not able to put my finger on the problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You assess the pros and cons and from there define what you value the most, your core priorities, setting boundaries and taking consistent actions, working on ti, committing to it, getting around those who respect, understand, support and are willing and capable of sharing with you in healthy ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be it, many time sit's just like that, you never know, it's very frustrating because you could spend a life time with somebody, and if that person chooses not to be truly open and honest towards you, you would never know and obviously would never be able to build and enjoy the benefits of a real, mature and meaningful attachment, affection and passion, really whole connection and sharing at multiple levels, with real trust and intimacy.

Customer:

I could send him to therapy on his own. He would probably not want to talk about his inability to have a healthy libido or desire.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would never work. Psychotherapy or even counseling become useless if the person is not truly honest, accountable and willing to work on himself, and to make changes. These are life issues that cannot be pushed, they would never work that way. if he does not feel the need, the caring, longing and responsibility to do his best too take good care of yourself, caring about your feelings, needs and longing, doing everything possible to fulfill you, then nothing would work, because the very core is missing.

Customer:

I'm so burned out. I don't even know if I want him to change. I more or less just want to get on with my life and take care of just me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I totally support you. I think you need and deserve that, and delaying it even more would not help you nor anybody around you.

Customer:

I still don't want to hurt him. I know my leaving will hurt him. If I stay any longer I will die one piece at a time. At 49, I just want to run away. He will try to talk me out of this. He will say I made a committment for better or for worse. I may need to hire a lawyer to represent any questions. It sounds cold of me but I swear I'd rather die than continue with this

Customer:

marriage i mean

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pleasing another person while betraying and neglecting yourself is never wise, you are a human being and have the right, need and deserve to be happy, fulfilled and not to be trapped because you made a formal commitment , which does not make any sense if your marriage is the way it has been for all these many years. Sure, you need to get a good attorney to take good care of this process, since if he has been able to keep you all this long this way, I do not see he would easily let you go without also being this selfish.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you, please get all the support you can from your caring and healthy family members, and close friends

Customer:

thank you for talking to me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it would not be easy but it seems necessary and absolutely worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for trusting me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle care and consistent action

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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