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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im engaged to a girl I absolutely adore, but Im having some

Customer Question

I'm engaged to a girl I absolutely adore, but I'm having some severe trust issues.
We both run our own businesses, and we live 2 hours apart, which means I only see her roughly 2-3 days a week. The rest of the time we either text a bit, or call one another.

Last weekend we were joking around, and she was kidding about the fact that I was probably being unfaithful. To which I said, "when you joke like that, it makes me feel like you're hiding things! Let me see your phone!" I said this jokingly, but she happily obliged. So I checked her phone, as she watched on.

That's when I found an e-mail she had sent a few days earlier to a guy she used to sleep with. The e-mails said: (we'll call him Dave) "Hey Dave, is this still your address? I had the weirdest dream about you! It made me realize how much I miss your stupid face! How are you? How is the kid??". I was devastated, and felt totally betrayed. He replied back "I heard you're engaged! I work for a girl who reminds me a lot of you! She's beautiful, and has an attitude!"

She even replied back to him again, and all she said about herself being engaged was "Yeah, I have zero time to plan the wedding, but it's fun wearing this huge rock on my finger, haha". I was so hurt, not a single word of her saying she was happy, or things were going well, the e-mail was mainly her reminiscing about the past together, and how she missed hanging out.

When she saw how upset I was she immediately said "I'll stop talking to him, I won't answer his reply, I'm sorry!", when I asked her why she did it, she told me it was for "closure". Upon closer inspection of her e-mails, she had sent him one TWO years ago stating in the first line "In order for me to move on, I need to clear a few things up", which to me, is closure.

We've had a lot of issues regarding her exes over the year, she's contacted one on Facebook, and lied about it, she's had several constantly text her, and I finally reached a point where I felt so insecure, I started snooping on her, and I hated myself for it, but I just couldn't stop, because no matter how much I tried to tell her things were bothering me, she would somehow turn it around and make me feel like I was the one being absurd. I just feel in a long distance relationship that if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

We have very different views on exes. My exes are a thing of the past and I don't stay in touch with them, this girl is my future. I want my focus to be on her, and of us growing as a couple. Not digging up past emotions with people I had failed relationships with.

So now I'm at crossroad, after all the drama we've had with exes, and snooping, the fact that she would do this to me again, just when things were starting to get back to normal has really left me confused. She has me thinking I'm just some big jealous insecure person, but in all honesty, I have never felt insecure, or been very jealous in a relationship until I met this woman. I don't want to leave her, because contrary to this stuff, I do really love her, and I have never had so much fun with a girl, but if her heart isn't entirely in this like mine, then something needs to give. She tells me she loves me, and wants to wed, and have children, but her actions speak differently.

I really need some advice..
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
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