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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, I have a complicated history with an ex boyfriend. We were

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Hi, I have a complicated history with an ex boyfriend. We were too long and not as mature for the relationship we lived. So we broke up a lot I mean (about 15 times) and always return to each other. Now he made the steps to assure that he is here to stay and we always knew we were soul mates, which I didn't believe in. He is 2 years older than me (22) and my parents absolutely hate him for always leaving because he didn't feel ready. My parents keep sending me little suttle comments if you get back with him you are cut off, we wont support you. My parents are the most comprehensive and always support me but always picked me up when he left. My mom even told me if he comes back here the shot gun will be ready to make him run. I know its only a metaphor but I don't know how to tell them because I am very close with them but I understand why they are doing this as parents. I just am very lost and I don't want to be lying to them about my where abouts or that he is in my life again what should I do ? Thank you
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about tis frustrating situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long were you dating, and how much time has passed since you ended your relationship and which are the changes he has made or the "steps he has taken" showing he has matured this much as you said to "assure" that this time he will stay?

Customer:

We dated for 2 years and broke up for 3 months. He deleted our biggest problems like facebook and is doing every thing on the contrairy as he did before. He is fully commited this time and he's actions follow his words. He illuminated all the distractions we fought about in the past

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it has only been 3 months since you ended your relationship. Then I think your biggest challenge here would be to persuade your parents that after this brief period of time he has truly deeply changed his ways to the point of being able to respect, support and love you the way you need and deserve.

Customer:

It is because we broke up too many times before that I always said that and now they don't believe me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What led to the break ups the past 15 times you were in the relationship, and how did you happen to get back together; was it also because he promises he changed and was able and willing to stay and respect you and work on the relationship as an adult?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then what would be different this time for them to believe this time would be different, being realistic and objective how could you reasonably feel confident this time would not lead to the 16th episode in a short period of time?

Customer:

He has a very complicated past, parents are divorced and had lots of problems so he was taught to run away when things got hard. We always got back together because we loved each other and cannot find anyone else we know that we are happy together. He did change a lot he is not the same man he used to be a big womanziner and now cannot be with other woman. I know my parents are quick to judge and once you break their trust they don't give it back so they don't accept him anymore no matter what I say

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you truly want to give one more chance to him, but at the same time feel very concerned about not getting your parents' understanding and support, not because they were not caring or mean, but because of being exactly the opposite, very caring, loving and supporting parents who do not want to see you suffering even more, right?

Customer:

exactly

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then the only viable approach I can see here is for you to take full responsibility for your feelings, choices and actions, and the consequences that come from them, in order to show them that you are facing this as a full adult and that you will be affording all the consequences, the good and the bad ones from it. In this way they could continue not to approve your decision, but they would respect it. You are already an adult, then it is your right, need and responsibility to choose how you want to build your life including your romantic relationships, then just commit to take full responsibility for it, while respecting their different points of views, and that it is because of their affection and caring about you that they keep this position.

Customer:

But then we will not have the same type of relationship and I know he wont be accepted in my home

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then after several months of a healthy, harmonious and fulfilling relationship, they would be able to confirm that what you have told them has been totally true and that would allow them to change their approach and become more understanding and supportive.

Customer:

Yes but that is a lot of pressure on me and the whole family I don't want to put them through that or not having their support

Customer:

and what if for some reason it doesn't work and we cannot be together how can I manage to get over him properly knowing we love each other ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That is something you cannot control, because it does not depend on you. the same way as your parents cannot and should not try to control your decision as an adult, you cannot expect them to do something they do not want to do,no matter how much you truly want things to be that way, and pushing them would only create more conflict and distance between you.

Customer:

and how should I annonce it to them ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If it does not work, then it would be reality showing you that no matter how much you could love and want to be with this person, it just does not work, and it would not lead to anything healthy nor truly fulfilling in your life, you would have to terms with that reality and if necessary get psychotherapy support to work on rehabilitating from it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being %100 honest towards them, letting them know about your decision and how you are taking full responsibility for it, that you expect them to respect your decision the same way you respect their right not to approve it, but trusting they would accept it since you are already an adult and are holding full accountability for your choices and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said that he has made the steps to assure he will stay, and you sound very confident that such is the case and that this brief period of time has been enough for him to work on those significant changes, then with the same confidence you should take full responsibility for it, which would allow you to get the respect you need and deserve from your parents as an adult, independently of how much they approve it or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

yes but it is scary not knowing how they will react or judging by their comments that I will be cut off and how he wont be welcome at my house. I don't want that type of pressure on my relationship either! I guess I will wait before announcing it but I don't want to lie about my whereabouts. I am an only child and my parents are very protective and dependant

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely it is very scary, challenging and tough, but those are the unavoidable challenges you would have to face if you truly want to work on this relationship. You decide when is the best time for you to do it, just do not delay it too much, since as you said, the last thing you want here is to undermine your relationship with them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But since it is about your personal life and you feel it is worthy and what you want to do then work on it taking full responsibility and everything else would depend on how they address it with time once they see how this relationship evolves and how you handle it.

Customer:

and what if they never accept it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's their right, and you would have to respect it the same way they would have to respect your right and need to make your own choices , taking full responsibility for them, since you are also an adult, who needs and deserves to build your own life, living your own experiences. But since you said they are this loving and supportive, then I see it should not be a problem once after a while they would see how consistent and real are these changes showing in daily reality how healthy and fulfilling is the relationship you would be creating together.

Customer:

Ok thank you very much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me for any further questions you may have or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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