Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very sad and painful situation.
Could you please tell me more about your relationship, like for how long were you dating, which were your core issues and how his gambling problem affected you, leading him to end the relationship?
we were dating for over two years. I had known early on in the relationship he had a gambling problem and I would help him out. Towards the end it seemed he was gambling more often and doing it in front of me which he would never do. He yelled at me for losing him £200 and i snapped, said i wanted time apart
a week later he ended it
i know i enabled his problems but I was just trying to help and show him how much I cared....i realised I was mistaken
What you described here is very concerning since it shows, apparently his gambling addiction deeply undermined your relationship, and he end becoming very abusive, ending your relationship in a very traumatic way too.
it didn't make things easier....we had the normal relationship ups and downs...when he would gamble and I would have to help him out I would resent him
Right, and all his behaviors since then have been systematically showing you his real feelings, immaturity, lack of caring and even respect towards you, which is obviously shocking but necessary for you to face after 3 years of knowing him, and being aware of his serious mental health disorders.
he was also insecure, protective and would get jealous....in the end because I was so unhappy and became insecure myself....i felt he was seeing someone else. I went through his phone and saw messages which seemed to me like there was something going on. He has always denied this but I know all of this cut away at me
It seems that you have become codependently attached to him and that's why regardless of the pain you were exposed to , you still fantasize and hope for something real and fulfilling between you, which is something reality is showing you in very objective ways that would ntohappen
in the end he told me i had become too possesive... although throughout the two years he had been much worse. Didn't like any of my male friends etc
Then it was really a very dysfunctional relationship, got very codependent and that's why it has been this painful for you to cope with the end of it, regardless of how unhealthy it was.
I can assure you that people with this or any other behavior do have serious issues around honesty, accountability, respect, caring, maturity and more. Most times denial, avoidance, secrecy, manipulation, neglect, codependency and abuse are common issues shaping their relationships.
Without doubt for somebody in your shoes it could never be easy but very painful.
i do realise that now....i just don't understand myself....logically this relationship had to end but why i want him back...why I want him to want to talk to me and the fears i have i don't know how to get rid of
sometimes i have my good days and sometimes very bad....i have been going on dates...looking after me all the things recommended but deep down nothing works
That would show how addicted you became to this person-relationship, that regardless the dysfunction and pain you still got more attached to it hoping it wuld be fine
I would never suggest anybody in your shoes to date other people before having truly rehabilitated from this serious situation first, otherwise you could easily find and promote similar patterns with other partners.
i admit I was attached but I had no idea it was this bad....because 3 months before it had ended I had wanted to end it myself. Sometimes i feel its my pride that's wounded
This overwhelming reality has triggered issues you need to work on yourself in order to be able to take good care of yourself when alone and when sharing with other people in close relatiosnhips
i'm not looking to get into another relationship as I know i have to alot to work on, like my own confidence and self esteem issues but i wanted to see that yes i am desirable and that there is someone else out there for me
because after it all ended i didn't think i deserved better
Bjt now out of overwhelming pain and a year of experiencing all these things, you know it is serious and thus requires real attention and work on your self with necessary help from your support system and competent professional through psychotherapy, including individual and group therapy.
how do i stop myself thinking he has moved on to someone better and that he has changed
i find myself when alone with my thoughts thinking such things...its what brings me down and then my thoughts spiral out of control
The way for you to heal your self-esteem and develop a truly healthy and strong sense of self-worthiness as a human being, and as a woman is not through dating but through consistent work on yourself, where you could truly develop these inner skills, which are about emotions, feelings, awareness, insight, assertiveness, self-love ad other skills that nobody but you can nurture within yourself, otherwise you would easily get attached to those you think could make you feel loveable or desirable.. but I can see why you wanted to feel this, it is a normal reaction but not a healthy one for you to rehabiliate from it.
Remind yourself of what reality in the past and present has been showing you, which clearly shows he does not even respects you, not because you lacks something essential but because of his own deficiencies and serious issues and mental health disorders, and that is something nobody can control but him with professional support.
but there is a possibility that he may have changed and because I see him around alot....the fear gets amplified.
There is no way for you to know if and how this person has or will change at all, it does not depend on you, and there is no way to find out either, only he knows, and I could say that unless he commits to real long term treatment he would only tend to get worse at very level.
I know I have done better than what i was 8 months ago...now i see him i get this feeling of sadness deep down but before i would cry or be so down that others would notice. What hurts more from his behaviour is that it makes me feel at times it was all my fault
These are obsessive - addictive thinking, which could only fuel further pain, suffering and mental health disorders, and you do not want to promote and afford that for sure, you need to fully acknowledge reality, confront any obsessive-addictive ideation with reality, redirect yourself back to what is healthy and commit to work on healing and growing from it, with the right support.
I believe you feel this way, but it has been that way because of the very distortions you have developed in this relationship, and they must be confronted without exception and not fueled, otherwise you would deepen the addiction,a and it would not only undermine your present but also your future and any new chance in new relationships, besides of ruining your mental health and life, and that's something you do not need nor deserve.
how would i go about doing healing myself?
i see someone twice a month and she has helped but its been such a slow progression
Committing to intensive individual and group therapy, and once group therapy is completed, actively participating of a support group while keeping regular individual psychotherapy.
do you think i am just as messed up as he is?
That's not good enough, that's why I am being very specific here about your need for "intensive" psychotherapy -not counseling- including both, individual and group therapeutic work.
i know if i had been more assertive i would of ended it a long time ago....i had hoped he would change
Each person is unique and I believe you got too vulnerable and that's why you git this hurt and into this addictive circle, and that's why you need very intensive and competent professional support.
Absolutely, but now you need to be proactive and focus on your present, since your life health and fulfillment depends on what you do not to shape your future,that's what you can and should control.
and in the meantime how should i react in his presense....i am supposed to be having drinks with colleagues and there is a very likely chance he'll be there.
Please read books like "Codependent No More", and "getting Past Your Break Up", in order to deepen your understanding, insight and to promote your therapeutic work.
Set and consistently keep healthy boundaries around him, no need to engage in any closeness but just to keep a professional amicable relationship, but nothing more than that, otherwise he would continue to do as he pleases to manipulate or harm you, and you do not want to afford that as long as you keep working in the same place. This and other concerns should be an integral part of an action therapeutic plan developed in your psychotherapy sessions, that's why we all need therapy, to work on ourselves and get concrete changes and results. The professional who supports you should be much more proactive and effective in her therapeutic role, since it's obviously not helping you as much as you need and deserve.
You're very welcome. Thank your for your trust. Please feel free t contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.