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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My wife and I will sometimes get into "making out" and light

Resolved Question:

My wife and I will sometimes get into "making out" and light to medium "petting". Often times it's when the kids are still up or in places where it can't really go any further. You know....just some "playful making out". Then, she will put the kids to bed and I will lock up or finish the dishes or something and maybe 30 - 60 minutes pass before we finally are in our bedroom. I will try to pick up where we left off and she will say "Baby, I'm just real tired. Can't you just hold me?" Sometimes that gets me angry because I think she must have just flicked a "switch" and is now not interested anymore. She's a teacher and is up and out by 7AM and I work for the electric company and am up at 5:30 and don't get home from work sometimes until 5:00 and it's often 8-8:30 before the kids are fed, showered, homework done and in bed. Makes for a long day. Why does she "seem" to no longer be interested and how can I control NOT getting upset because it doesn't go further and we make love?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know bout your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is one of the most common challenges most couples face, which could easily become a serious issue if not addressed with the attention and understanding it deserves.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your work, financial, domestic and parental responsibilities should not undermine your marital life. Yes, many challenges arise pushing you not to feel int he mood to set the time to take good care of it, like seems to be the case of your wife, but these challenges and difficulties should not be allowed to damage your marital life,otherwise everything else would suffer from it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat.

Customer:

she just says i dont get it and want sex all the time and that aggravates me more

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The way to approach it is through honest and direct dialogue, assertively confronting any hurtful-neglectful behavior, like leaving you aside once you were already working on it and when expecting to finally have a time for both of you to enjoy of your sexual intimacy and passion. Both need to be very aware of the core needs and expectations each of you have in this area, in order to get to an agreement of how to make things work for both of you, without neglecting nor pushing each other, but being caring, empathetic, proactive and supportive.

Customer:

i was married befoe and my exwife used sex as a "treat" i aould

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean she wants to have sex all the time but when it is the best time where you could be together in the privacy of your home after taking care of your other responsibilities?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to hear that, sexual abuse as well as any other type of abuse/manipulation or neglect are always unacceptable and incompatible with healthy marriages and families.

Customer:

is it reasonable for a woman to be "in the mood" and then not 30 minutes lated

Customer:

later

Customer:

or am i just being unreasonable

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is normal if it happens some times but not for it to become a pattern where it clearly dismisses her partner-spouses feelings, needs and expectations, undermining their marital life and well-being.

Customer:

any tips on controlling me not getting upset?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If this behavior becomes a pattern, then it would show manipulation, neglect and even abuse.

Customer:

its not all the time and we still have a very active sex life

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Anger is not an abnormal feeling, but it could get distorted and become destructive when we do not know how to cope with the primary painful feelings fueling it, like frustration, sadness, loneliness and fear. Thus anger if controlled would show you there is something not truly working that needs your attention in your marriage for both of you to work on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How often does it happen?

Customer:

am i just being selfish?

Customer:

once or twice every few weeks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if it is about isolated episodes while you most of the time have an active and fulfilling sexual life, then you need to work on improving your self-control and anger management skills. Perhaps the fact that your ex-wife manipulated and abused you sexually, created this trauma and these feelings get triggered those times when your wife is not in the mood to have sex with you, thus it would not be about your wife or your marriage but about your personal unresolved feelings from past abusive marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I do not see she has been failing at all in this area, but it seems to be your own personal issues from past abusive marriage getting triggered but these situations were your wife does not feel in the mood to continue.

Customer:

thank you. how do i get a transcript of this conversation?

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Please work on your own painful feeling from past abusive relationship and dialogue with your wife about it for her to be more aware of it and show more support for you to be able to effectively work on healing from them and enjoying even more your life together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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