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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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my husband is under going prostate cancer surgery on sat I

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my husband is under going prostate cancer surgery on sat I toldmy mother in law that we were consulting a few surgeons and I radiologist previously to this my husband told her he was leaning towards surgery when he told her he ws consulting a radiologist she snapped at me said why do you want him to see a radiologist you must want him to be sick we fought my sister in law her daughter is suffering from cancer herself intervened told her that by argueing with me she was not helping her son my giving him added stress my husband and I yelled at each other over this he has always been pleaser wants to please everyone she told him she was staying with us during his surgery he told her he would prefer if she stay with a relative that lives nearby she acted like she did not hear him and said shes coming anyway now I have the added stress of having her here and the surgery he is only staying in the hospital one day talking to her is impossible she does not care about his feelings at all she lost a daughter to cancer and has another living with it and now him we have been married over 23 years raised two children one autistic together how do I make as least stress full on myfamily as psossible my son is already moving one bed from the bedroom to the livingroom out for her iwill be she is staying only 4 days but it would be best if she came after surgery which to her is unthinkable she claims to be coming to give us moral support but she is really coming for herself
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this issue.

You are in a difficult situation because you have a meddling mother-in-law landing in your midst and exacerbating the situation.

Her behavior is improper and all you can do is to think about how hysterically anxious she has become after losing a daughter to cancer and having two more children with cancer.

You already know that the botXXXXX XXXXXne is to keep the stress off of your husband, and off of you, as you must be as solid as possible, being the main rock of the family.

You seem to be powerless to keep her away, so the alternative is to accept her graciously. Put on the best front that you can and be pleasant to her.

Put her to work when she is there and let her carry some of the burdens and chores. This will lower her worries, reduce your responsibilities, and give you both a sense that you are working together.

Your husband, who tries (and worries over) to please others, will not have to worry about you because of the high moral position that you will be taking in accepting his mother's presence.

She will be grateful to you (unconsciously at least) and you will show her your gratitude for whatever she does.

The key is to disarm her and reduce all points of contention and friction, and the results will be valuable and therapeutical for all of you.

You will have to handle this masterfully, and you can do it. You will be admired by others and will have great admiration for yourself after walking ginergly and gracefully through a potential minefield without incident.

It is only for 4 days, and then you will be on your own again. Don't get into any medical arguments with her. Just tell her that what she says is interesting and that you may look into or discuss i with his doctors.

May God grant your husband complete healing and recovery, and grant peace and harmony, under you wise guidancel, in your home.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

what if she wants just breeze in here anytime she pleases in the future she always says her son does not visit enough so im afraid she will be doing this more often

Dear Stacey,

You have to get throught this 4 day episode first. It is a very important principle in psychotherapy to concern yourself with the present time and not divert yourself with unnecessary and burdensome concern about "what if" items.

She has cornered you this time because of the special circumstances of the occasion and you are permitting her, in a gracious manner, to have her way THIS TIME.

Other times will be different. You would do best to concentrate on the current situation and not speculate on potential problematic situations that may come up in future.

It is counterproductive and just makes you more anxious when you really need to lower your anxiety level.

Do your best to get through this crisis and you will probably gain some strengths if you handle this well.

Keep you eye on the short term goal and help your husband to heal.

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Thank you and may God bless you.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

she is here shes staying an extra day went into my cabinets and cleaned my kitchen without my ok husband is going to be okay have not been able to sleep much she seems to be cheering him up the thing she is extremely selefuish and competive does not listen or care about anyone else feeling but her own I told her I work in the livingroom she needs to go somewhere else she said I wont be abother in staying here

Dear Stacey,

This woman is a master manipulator. She sounds very much like a narcissist and she has worked her way between you and your husband, and so you cannot have a contfrontation with her, as that is what she wants.

Your options are limited and they do not reasonably include throwing her out as this is what she would like.

Your best option is to bear with her as she will soon be gone.

You can tell her that you are very uncomfortable with her being there, and you resent her going into your home and cabinets and treating them as if they were hers. Tell her that you are the woman of the house and that she does not have your permission to go into any of your things. She is a guest and should make herself a welcome guest by following your wishes.

Tell her that you understand that she wants to help her son and is doing well in that regard, but she is disrupting your household, your routine, your work, and your sleep, and you are not at all happy with her extended visit.

I recommend that you try to spend some time away at friends in order to avoid her, without making an issue of it. Speak with your actions but be temperate with your words.

If that is not possible, then you can put her to work doing some heavy duty cleaning while she is there. Tell her she can make herself useful, as she already has tried (in a very intrusive manner, however) and put her to work. I'm sure you can find some chores that you have been putting off and you can let her expend some of her loving energy doing them.

Don' let her see that you are upset for that is what she wants. Not liking her and being upset are two different issues.

She is a master manipulator. You must avoid her blows in the manner of a skilled bullfighter who lets the charging bull crash harmlessly into his cape until the bull is worn out and can be dispatched.

I wish you patience and resolve.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I put her to work by cooking my husbands favorite food I ate a salad left the dish on the sink she said something about it I said this is my house and if I want to leave a dish I will he said alright in a tone that meant all right ill be big and let that go for my sons sake
Dear Stacey,

You are darn right it is your house. Is it possible that you have some issues with your husband as well? He needs to put you first. You have been big and wonderful, but you need to be totally respected in your castle where you are the queen.

I support you completely. You are being wonderful and giving your all, it seems.

Get back to me with any support that you need.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

my husband is a lot of pain due to surgery so he really does not care if she is here or not its sunday shes leaving Wednesday he likes to make everyone happy as do I this is easing his stresss but adding to mine

Dear Stacy,

It will be two to three long days, but you will do best to endure it, knowing it is the best option. Your reward will have to come later, hopefully.

You will know that you took the most difficult path but the best one for your husband's well-being. Later on you may find a way to tactfully discuss this with him, when he is healed and the right opportunity arises.

Find the strength, knowing you are making a sacrifice for his good, and ultimately for the good of your marriage.

May God give you strength and healing to your husband.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,


Customer: replied 3 years ago.

actually she ended up staying 5 days she rushed in to see my husband before me actually we were all alowed to go in together cleaned my keitchened prepped his favorite meals and made a general nuisance of herself told me I kept this place cleaner two years ago my husband has told me hes counting down the days till she goes she will not listen to anyone not even him shes leaving in a few short hours I just hope she doesn't try this again I kept my mouth shut the whole time she is just a dreadfully rude person who has no concern for anyone but herself she wanted us to watch the shows she likes my husband said absolutely not and she went into our room to watch her tv shows as my husband told her to

Dear Stacey,

I know that you are content and proud that your husband put his foot down and did the right thing. I suggest that you have a wonderful dinner tonight (and if you can't go out yet, then bring it in). Have a celebration of being alone, at last.

Congratulations on making it through. Try now not to mention her as this will only bring you aggravation.

I continue to keep your husband in my prayers for a complete recovery. God bless you both.