Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this truly sad and frustrating situation.
I can see how both of you have been having a tough time since your relationship got into frequent fights because of the way you felt, and that you did not want to have her wait for you in case you decided you did not want to make a life together, that you were honest, but also that your decision truly broke her heart, just as you said, what led her to fight for it without success.
Then it was your own experience which showed you that you that this person was truly special for you and that you wanted to fully commit to her. Unhappily she also underwent a deep change after feeling overwhelmingly hurt by your decision to leave. I do really believe this situation could have been overwhelmingly traumatic to her to the point of pushing her into this dramatic change.
What does this dramatic change consist of exactly? Is her love for me gone for good, or is this just her self-defense mechanism hiding her feelings for me? Is there anyway to bring it back and win back her heart or should I just give up? I'm desperate to make it work!
I do believe and have seen people in her shoes feeling overwhelmed and traumatized by similar behaviors, numbing themselves and pushing themselves not to attach or fuel further affection in order not to expose themselves to suffer again and even more.
There is no way to know for sure if this would change or not to promote a real emotional reconciliation, only time will tell.
Since as you said, you truly love this person and she has given you the chance to get back together, you would need to show her during this time that you truly deserve her affection, trust and commitment, hoping she would heal from what happened and allow herself to work on rebuilding your relationship.
Hi, Sorry I was away for awhile.What intrigues me is this... If she loved me so much how can it all be completely gone after 2 months... even after all the pain and suffering, I thought there's still be a flicker at least. I feel like I need to bring down her defenses, but I fear she'll never love me the same way again.
I wonder if it's still inside her or gone forever... and it makes me cringe..
Pushing her would not help but undermine your situation even more. As I said, her reaction shows she got truly traumatized by what happened, and she could feel that emotionally exposing again to suffer the same or worse pain would be self-sabotaging
That's why I said only time will show you,a dn the best you can do if you really can and want to invest on it, is to consistently show her how much you care, how sorry you are and literally work on rebuilding the affection, attachment and hope between you, then time will tell you if she is able to heal and allow another chance or not, but at least you would know you did your best in consistency with your feelings.
I'm giving her all the space she needs. I told her not to put any pressure on herself. Sometimes when I tell her I love her she gets sad wishing she could say it back, but she doesn't feel it. I tell her it's fine. And if she wants out, I won't fight it.
Then you are already being wise and truly respectful and supportive.
And how do I do that? Just being me? Treating her well the way I always did? You see, what's really frustrating is to feel that nothing I do is appealing to her anymore...
Yes, just being yourself and consistent with your love for her, taking full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions, hoping she would feel the affection, trust and hoe back. Focus on what you can and should control, everything else depends on her, and time will tell.
Of course I don't expect this to be a walk in the park.. I know there's a lot of work to do in rebuilding this relationship. It's just that she barely has any hope, and the way she reacts to everything also makes mine short. I'm desperate...
It's tough and that's why you need to work on processing your emotions, coming to terms with the fact that your reality changed, that at least now she gave you another chance, but that it continues to be tough for her, and that only time would show both of you how well or not this could evolve into a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship or not.
Does it make sense?
It does. One question though. Can post-breakup trauma put a definitive end to true love? How long would that take?
Yes it can, it depends on the individual's personality, vulnerability and sensitivity levels, previous painful experiences and issues, the way present situation evolves, and more factors. How long could it take? It's like a grieving process, for some people it could take a few months, while for others years or never to heal good enough from it.
That's tough to read. Thanks. I just hope it isn't completely gone.If she doesn't feel a thing for me in the present, can it be that it's still there but blocked off somehow??
This is why you would need to continue being totally truthful with yourself and honest towards her about your core feelings, needs and expectations, what you are able and willing to afford or not. This way you would be taking good care of yourself while offering your best as possible.
I mean. She says being around me now is just like being around any other person. That's really discouraging.
It could be but only time will show you if it changes for good or not.
Yes, it is.
She always wanted an engagement ring and I never gave her one.
I see, it's very sad indeed.
If I do it now will it help me towards rebuilding trust, for her to see I'm real, or could it backfire for seeming 'out of character'?
by out of character i mean incongruent with what I was before the breakup..
not the best use of terms..
My suggestion is not to push her at all> Now she is directly telling you how she feels about you and I do not think it could help her nor your relationship. Much better to show though your consistent actions what you feel and hoe for.
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.
Don't take it personally, you were helpful, it's just that I expected the help of a woman here..
No problem, I understand and appreciate your openness and patience.
Hello Rafael. It's me again.
There is one issue making things more complicated, and that's the online emotional affair my girlfriend had when we were separated. It had started about 10 days before we got back together.
It is a random guy from her hometown who she doesn't even know personally who randomly started talking to her on facebook. She grew fond of him very quickly, as she was apparently needy. She later said to me she was needy and that he told her everything she wanted to hear from me, and I wasn’t there anymore to tell her. She thinks she let herself get emotionally involved with him because he lives far away (in her hometown that she seldom visits, as she works and studies where I live), so she wouldn’t really have to get real with him.
I asked her not to talk to him till she decided whether or not we’d get back together, as it could definitely be the end of us, making her drift away from me completely, as I cannot compete with someone who's partly idealized in her mind. She didn’t contact him again since.
Then we got back together. He still sends her SMS sometimes and probably facebook (that she hasn't checked in days - I don't know if she's afraid to) and he sent her a bonsai tree by mail the other day. She hasn't contacted him and feels guilty. But she also said that the breakup had 'serious consequences', meaning her apathy towards me and her feelings for this guy. I asked what she felt for him and she said "I like him... I don't really know HOW, but I do".So, that's it. She seems confused. I don't know if she is feeling guilty or if she really likes him over me, and it's killing me, becase this seems not to be letting us move forward in rebuilding our relationship.
I'm giving her all the space she needs, as I told you yesterday. I don't want her to deny it, but I'm really afraid to talk about it with her. I'm really thinking about asking her if she wants some time to work it out, but then if she decides not to try again, that's it for us. I guess I don't have much of a choice now, do I?But then I think... Why did she get back together with me then?