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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5576
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi. I hope I can get your help! My ex and I have been dating

Customer Question

Hi.

I hope I can get your help! My ex and I have been dating for over 2 and half years now... he said we would get married in Spring 2014 this September, but since his work is crazy (630AM-8PM everyday), he had no time to think about it. I got frustrated, so about a month ago, I started pushing him about the marriage. But he wouldn't talk in detail. He has been always just too exhausted for anything. He also doesn't like me drinking... in the past, we used to get alot of arguments and fights.. and whenever we did, he would say, let's break up. but recently, he hasn't said that... last Tuesday, I drank with my friend and since my ex told me to come over with my friend, I went over to ex's house with a bottle of wine with my friend.. .my male friend and I had convo for about 2-3 hrs. My friend left and I went into his room ( we used to live together for about a year now). I doi'nt know how thathappened, but I started talking about the marriage.. he said, let's stop it there, let's talk about it alter. I have to sleep.. but I was so frustrated his " let's talk about this later". So I kept pushing it. He got mad, he told me to elave. I didn't. Then he trie to leave. I stopped him, so he blew up and he pushed me, I pushed him back. It was bad. Then he said it was over. I left his house crying. He called me and told me to come home and sleep and asked where I was... I went to his house and slept there... next morning, after I came to work, I called him, he said his answer was the same that it was over. It's over not because I did something wrong, he had no reason. He said he completely ran out of his patience.. and even if we are together, I won't be happy because he's so twisted now. He said we could date if I wanted to but I shouldn't hope for anything more... next day, I texted him good morning,and he texted back good morning, I am at work. Then he ignored my calls and texts on Friday and Saturday. I noticed that he was out for 4 hrs on Saturday... on Sunday, I called him, we chatted for like 5 mins... Monday morning, he even asked me what I did on Sunday, etc.... Monday evening, I texted him " please, I won't be asking anymore questions from you... I just need to know to calm myself down as well. if you care about me even at least a bit, please answer me.. what did you do on Saturday?"... then he responded " I don't have to tell you this, but i did this.... ... got it? the end. Don't contact me again."

I was so hurt, so haven't contacted him at all. I talked to his best friend, he said my ex hasn't said anything about the breakup.. only thing he mentioned about me is that " oh, I have to fix her bathroom..... and let's do a NYC trip just for guys next month"... he even hasn't said anything to his brother. WHat should I do????????? THANK YOU
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your relationship with your ex got to the point that marriage was the next step. And your ex was agreeable to it even bringing up a date. However, that is where he stopped and took another direction. He became resistant to the idea and started ignoring your desire to make plans. Your frustration with his avoidance of the topic got to the point that both of you got into a conflict and ended up breaking up.

What it sounds like is that your ex was avoiding talking about the marriage because making plans made it real to him. The main reason someone does this is fear of commitment and/or desire to control the relationship. And if your ex refused to make plans with you and even refused to tell you why he wouldn't follow through, then it sounds like he is putting his own needs first before yours.

He also has not told anyone about your break up which could mean he either is not ready to share, or he realizes that he has treated you badly and doesn't want anyone noticing at what he did to you.

So far, it sounds like you have done a majority if not all of the apologizing and efforts to fix the relationship. You have contacted him, said you were sorry and tried to find out why he is acting this way through his friend. But he has not done the same. At this point, it might be a good idea to back off and see if that helps. It will give him a chance to consider what he has done. It also doesn't allow him to be the one to sit back and let you make all the effort to repair things between you.

You might also want to take some time to look at the relationship and see if you feel you would be happy continuing it. Though it hurts now, it sounds like your ex does not take your feelings seriously. And if that is the case, this will not be the first time he treats you this way. So thinking through your options can help you decide if you want to try again.

If you do want to try, contact him again after taking a break. Give him a few weeks to see if he contacts you. If not, try again, but this time, let him know that you want to talk to him and see if you can work through these issues in a calm manner. Each of you present your side to things and go from there. If you feel it would not work on your own, consider counseling. With your relationship being so close to marriage, it is worth seeing if it can be worked through.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate


Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5576
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your email. I kind of felt the same too.. but what scares me is that he hit the bottom and he ran out of patience with me. He said we would fight again in the future because of my persistent character and drinking problem. I did tell him afterwards I am going to change for myself. He cried a bit too, it was dark but I could see. What blew him off was that.. this Monday, I was asking him where he was/went Saturday night. He then told me what he did and told me to not contact him again. I spoke to his brother and few friends, and they think he's just irritated and I have to give him sometime, and he didn't really mean it. I will be happy with him, I feel like I took him for granted in some ways. When I heard he was planning a " guys' trip to NYC" next month, I was surprised- I thought he would be sad too, but he's keeping himself insanely busy with his work and this?? Does it look like he's trying to forget or to heal? I really appreciate your honest answer. Meanwhile, I am working out and going to church everyday to improve myself for myself :)

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you and your boyfriend,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Hi,



So since our last conversation, I have been sending few txt msgs and he has been somewhat replying. My mom knowing what's going on, she invited him over for dinner past saturday. There was check he had to get from my house too ( he was fixing my parents' bathroom prior to breakup as a gift for my parents, but hasn't finished it yet. But he's really responsible and does everything he promises) He said he would come, but at the last minute, he said he had an emergency work ( he actually did) said he couldn't make it.My mom said it's ok, she will wait... he called back around 930PM saying he was still working and he said he would come on Sunday ( yesterday).


I called him yesterday morning and asked him if he didn't come because of me. He said no, he actually had work and he's already on his way work for that day... I said ok, I won't be at home, so make yourself comfortable and come... he said ok. He called me around 6:50pm asking where I was, I said I was at church. He said I should come because it's weird for him to be there by himself. So I went but I couldn't see his eyes directly. He had conversations with my parents and laughed acting normal. He was tired so left early with my mom's leftover food and a present. I followed him outside and asked if he read my txt sent that morning ( I really want to talk about it, not only specifically about the breakup.. I know you are busy, so contact me in 2-3 weeks.) he said he didn't read it, but I know he did cuz I got the read receipt. so I just followed him to the car and asked if he was still mad. He said he's not mad, he doesn't feel a thing. He kept ignoringme, he acted like he wasn't there. he was so cold. he said I'm gonna go. I was like do you want to talk about it later? He said are you being persistent again?? I was like no.... so I backed off. He said " I'll contact later". then left.


 


I've been keeping myself busy, working out and church. At this point, what do you think? Does it have a chance? What should I do? I do not want to drag it longer than it has to be though. I want to be with him, but if he's that cold, what should I do?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, and thank you for contacting me.

If you have a new question, the site does require you to start a new question page, but if you wish, you can request me to assist you.

Thanks,
Kate

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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues