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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi I was dating my gf for a year and 2month ,and she broke

Resolved Question:

Hi
I was dating my gf for a year and 2month ,and she broke up with me lately ,cause she was disapointed during the relation of my perfomance,i admitted to her that i was not giving 100% cause first of all she is divorced and has a kid and i was worried of my parents accepting the idea,then i changed and started to showing her more and more love but seems it was too late ,she told me that i made her an emotional shock when i cahnged positivly and that she made her decision fews months ago and now she needs he space ,i tried to convince to give me another chance to show her that i changed cause i wanted that ,but she is still insisting she needs space and she is not ready for relation anymore ,how can a girl that one day tells you all day she loves ,then the next day she brakes up with you ,i admitted to her and i was very transparent that during the relation i was taking my time and apparently it made her go steps back cause she admitted also that she used to love me more than i used at the begining,i told her i was scared off where it is gonna go then between my self during the relation i was convinced that she is the one that i want to continue my life with ,but she is insisting that what didnt you do that 8 moth ago and why now should you fix it ,her desision id made and she her spaces she said ?tell me what to do ?Should i drop it ?or continue fighting for her?yesterday i sent her flowers and a box of choclate to try to break the ice and tell that it can work out but she needs her space she said and she doesnt want commitment anymore for now
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about thsi frustrating situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome

Customer:

Any advices for me ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about your behavior before this change when you were not this "%100" committed to her?

Customer:

yes sure

Customer:

i was not so into the relation 100 % sure, i was taking my time ,she is was more into it than i was ,i cared for her and liked her at the begining and then gradually i statrted loving her more and more and i realized that this girl deservs more than what am giving her

Customer:

so i changed

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My understanding from your words is that you were doing fine but you were taking your time to know her better, share more and to gradually develop more trust and closeness between you, specially because of knowing she was divorced and has a child, right?

Customer:

and then she tells me that she was emotionally shocked of my good changes

Customer:

yup

Customer:

cause in my culture it is rare that parents accept for you to marry someone specially when ypur the eldest son

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then there was gradual progress and change for goo in your commitment, never any serious issue nor any reason for her to say you were mean, dishonest or not caring, right?

Customer:

no for her i was not clear in the relation that what she said ,and that i didnt give it all my best and she was desapointed in a way

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then your situation was even more challenging and she was aware of it, but even when facing that difficulty you were gradually making improvements and she was very aware of that, but instead of her feeling better and more loved she decided to break it up, right?

Customer:

and i admitted to her ye i kept it to my self all this concerns and never shared it with her

Customer:

yea she decided to break up and her excuses where like she doesnt tolerate mistakes in relation after the bad divorce she had

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were dating for 14 months, then how far into that period did you start changing for better, showing more affection and commitment?

Customer:

i admitted to her i made it some mistakes but all can be fixed or else i would kept fighting for her this week

Customer:

i was late to show her that to be honest very late

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please describe any specific mistake you made in the relationship?

Customer:

2 moth ago

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Please describe your behavior before your change.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Were you neglectful, disrespectful, controlling, insensitive, mean, abusive, unavailable?

Customer:

well first i had forgotten the day of her birthday and i felt like shit and she was desapointed abut it ,and she told me all started since her birthday wish was in july

Customer:

i was normal with her ,she told me that i was cold sometimes but it is not because of her i was passing trough rough days at work

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How log after her birthday did you remember it and what did you do about it?

Customer:

no the same day i remembered i had mistaken in the days

Customer:

i told her once you come your gift will be ready but it got delayed in shipment and i received it to be honest a 2 weeks ago the day she broke up with me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then the very day of her birthday you remembered it and then what did you do about it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She was away from you, long distance?

Customer:

i couldnt see her ,cause in the country where we at ,we can t seen in public ,so i was like i will make it up to her when reach the country where we work

Customer:

nop she works in the same country where i am she comes 2 weeks then away 1 week then comes back

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Customer:

now she is coming back friday night

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then the very same day you contacted her, apologized and did your best to correct your mistake,

Customer:

yup

Customer:

and yesterday also i sent her flowers and called her at night

Customer:

asking her to give it another chance and that the past can be fixed and to trust me in that matter

Customer:

she was like i trust you

Customer:

but i need my space

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you did not intentionally neglected this date but forgot for hours about it because of your work stress, right?

Customer:

yes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying with all this information

Customer:

at all i had it also as a reminder and we were talking about it,that your birthday is XXXXX and i was excited about it

Customer:

but seems her decision is made and doesnt want to give it another try cause she was desapointed

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on what you are telling me, I can see your only fault here was not being more open towards her sharing oyur fears, just as you described here, and only telling her how you were feeling and how challenging it was for those months for you

Customer:

yea

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It shows you were afraid and had good reasons to hold in, but failed not being more open communicating with her about it. But this should not be confused with you being neglectful or abusive, or not being good for her. I think the birthday episode was just the trigger for her to break up with you later

Customer:

yea true

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You remembered her birthday the very same day, apologized, did your best and sent the present, there was nothing better anybody in your shoes could have done about it, but she is taking it as an insult , as unacceptable and a good reason to end the relatiosnhip

Customer:

yea

Customer:

so you think what it is broken cant be fixed ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why I think that if this person truly cares about you and happened to feel enough affection and willingness to continue building a meaningful, healthier and more fulfilling relationship with you, she would be there with you, even more since you started making all these positive improvements, but she just did the opposite.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My biggest concern here is not about your behaviors, I do not see any serious issue or mistake from your side here,but that she has used these situations to justify ending the relationship, when most people in her shoes would feel pleased and grateful, more attached and passionate about such positive changes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus I think that it was not your good improvement what led to the break up as she has stated, that would not make any sense, I think it was her lack of enough affection and commitment to you what was behind it, but she has used those situations to justify the break up, blaming you for it.

Customer:

do you think that she might meet someone during our relation and she is finding these excuses ,or is it only cause she had previous bad exprience and was only despointed of what she expected at the begining ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You already started to be a much better boyfriend towards her by 2 months ago, and it led you to the present situation, then I do no believe that continue doing your best would easily lead her to change her mind, since it does not appear it's been you the core reason for the end of it but her lack of affection and willingness to keep working on building the relationship.

Customer:

But she was all over me more than me ,was it all acting or it is her that is not stable about relations and has this complex of her bad divorce

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say that what would make much more sense here based on her concrete behaviors is that she isusing what happened just as excuses o end it, to make you appear as the cause of it, and it would make perfect sense to believe she's already interested in another person, for her to push the break up this fast this way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That makes sense too, most times people react in ways consistent with their previous experiences.

Customer:

but how can someone that it is with me all day and all the time is telling you i love you ,then the next day brakes up with you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You will know with time what truly happened here. My suggestion is for you to keep in touch with her as much as she allows and feels comfortable with, showing her that you are serious and committed to work on it, and you will see form her actions if this was really a problem with you or with her. I truly believe it has been about her changing her mind and justifying it blaming you, but not way to know for sure but with time. After a few months if you keep showing her you respect her boundaries and care about her, deserving her trust and love, if she stills rejects you, then you would know for sure it's not about you at all.

Customer:

do you suggest for me to contact her when she comes and meet her to talk face to face ?

Customer:

or should i leave her alone ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you just said, what would make sense here is: she is very emotionally unstable and she may have found another p.person and is using this story to justify her decision making you appear as the cause for the break up

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she is open and willing to meet you and keep in touch with you, and you still feel it's worthy, sure, I support that as I just explained.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But please, take into account concrete actions more than words, since while a person could easily use words to manipulate, actions show in time what is really going on, and you would be able to see from her actions how honest she has been towards you and which have been the real core issues here.

Customer:

cause am convinced she is not the type of hypocrite person unless am mistaken

Customer:

she arrives friday night i was thinking to contact her on saturday and ask her to meet up

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Be patient, keep observing her behavior,her actions and you would know better about her

Customer:

yea but there is no point to keep communication if she is blocking me away with excuses right ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As long as you respect her boundaries and feel this is something you want to work on since feel it is worthy, then you can go for it and find out better what;s been going on here.

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you believe she has been truly honest towards you and that you have enough affection for her, and that there is hope for you if you try for longer, then it would make sense for you not to reject the window of opportunity she offers through sharing with you as possible, that way you would also be able to confirm and better understand why she has done this.

Customer:

but i dont want her to feel that am so desperate abut her that much and that am suffering of it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember that her core reason to justify ending the relationship was your lack of full commitment, what made sense in my opinion but not for her, then in case she has been honest, and she happens to work on her emotional problems, your consistent willingness to show her you affection and caring even as a friend, should promote a new chance for you. If it doesn't, it would mean that she has serious emotional problems, or that besides of that, that she has not been truly honest towards you.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but I thought the core mistake you said you had during this past whole year , the one she pointed at was your lack of openness and honesty about what you felt, then I do not see how perpetuating such approach could help you getting a new chance. I am not suggesting you to become needy and pushy, but to be consistent as an adult with what you feel and want, to see if she reciprocate. In case she does, perfect, if she doesn't, you would know you did your best being totally honest, open and consistent in your actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions ir to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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