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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1410
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and we go

Customer Question

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and we go to separate colleges, and last weekend she got drunk and cheated on my with another guy. She went to his room because she didn't want to wake her roommate up. They got to his room she laid down and he started to make out with her. She told me then that he went down on her and then had sex with her but she stopped and then went to sleep. She called me the next morning and told me what happened. She has been a mess ever since and can't look at me without crying and she keeps apologizing. I don't know what to do. I love this girl but I've never been hurt like this before. Nothing has happened like this before and I don't know if she is telling me the truth. Were still together and I'm trying to make it through this but I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. This is going to take a lot of time. You can't expect to just get over this and you don't have to. She can't expect you do to the same either. She has caused damage in the relationship and there will be an extensive time period of which you both have to figure out how to move on and if you want to. Think about what she could do to help you with this if anything. IS there anything she could do or say to help you decide if you want to stay with her for sure? If so, what are these things? Chances are, you probably just need some time to yourself to think all of this over. There are no set rules about what will work for everyone in this situation. You have to find what works for you and what works for her and take baby steps moving forward. She is probably honest in her feelings of regret, but neither one of you can change what has happened, only the future.
You don't need to know what to do right now other than to take some time to think about everything. You will go through a bunch of different emotions and that is completely normal to do. Explain to her that you aren't sure how to move forward right now. Tell her that trust is the most difficult thing to get back in a relationship once it has been taken away. She needs to understand this and that she can't expect you to trust her for quite some time. That's the price she pays for what she did. Trust violations are very difficult and there is no guarantee that you can ever trust her again, or at least for awhile. Again, there are no set rules or time frames for this kind of healing process.
First decide if you really do want to make this work. If your answer is still yes, then decide what you expect from her to help you cope with this. Do you want to ask her 100 detailed questions, or would you rather leave it at what it is? Knowing the details of an event can make things a lot worse if you are the type to dwell on those things. You said you weren't sure if she had told you the whole truth, but do you want to know the whole truth if that isn't it? Think about that. Different people handle those things in different ways. DO you think you can ever forgive her? If you think you will hold onto this for the duration of your relationship, this can be a problem obviously. If you think it is at least possible for you to be able to forgive her, then you can be able to have a trusting partnership again.
There are a lot of choices you need to make and you need to be honest with yourself about knowing what type of person you are and the tendencies you have based in different scenarios. Planning your future will be based on your self assessment on these things and how honest you are with yourself about how you really think the next few months will go. Think about what she can do to help with this process and ask her to do some of these things to see her willingness to give it her all to make the relationship work as well. Make sure she is 100% about the relationship and that you re both on the right page as far as your future goals are.
It's going to be tough, it won't be easy, that's for sure. You will have a lot of ups and downs. Having someone destroy the trust in a relationship is absolutely devastating. Take all the time you need for yourself to think about this. Don't expect yourself to be able to just move on. It is perfectly ok to not be ready to do that right away.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1410
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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