Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hi. I'm married to my best friend for the past 3 years and we are having our first child together, which is exciting times. Six months ago my childhood crush had reached out to me via Facebook and we had messaged back and forth to catch up. I was friends with him when I was 12-14 and then lost contact. When we were kids I never told him I liked him. After catching up he confessed he had liked me when I was younger and we kind of flirted on messaging. I had invited him and his wife and kid for a BBQ at my house, which he ended up baling on. He avoids making plans if it involves his wife. We did meet up for coffee a few times and talked. His wife ended up hacking into his Facebook account and messaged me as him to stop talking. He then texted me to apologize. We continued to talk via text messaging and then last month he just stopped. I thought we were being friends again, but I don't understand what happened. He went from texting every day and every morning and then just stopped...I am upset about this. I am married to the perfect loving husband, why would I care if he stops talking to me?
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this situation, which seems very frustrating for you.
Based on your story what could be happening here is that once his wife found out about your daily communication, sharing and flirting, she felt very uncomfortable with it, -what led to her using his FB account- confronted him about it a that's why led him to stop this close communication with you.
Everything was find and I was happy in my current situation. Now after talking to him again, I'm allowing it to affect my current relationship and emotions. How do I get over this?
I see you were expecting this friendship to continue and grow but unhappily the way this happened seems that was not something his wife enjoyed at all and may have set clear boundaries around what is acceptable or not for her husband to do about this friendship.
Have you talked to your husband about it?
I had mentioned that my childhood friend reached out to me and that we were catching up. However, he doesn't know that the wife is jealous and doesn't approve of us talking. He also doesn't know he stopped talking to me like that.
You said you feel happy with your first child, and apparently with your marriage with your best friend, right?
yes i a
Then what led you to get so attached and to get this close to this person if feeling happy and fulfilled with your husband and with your first baby?
I guess it was the attention he had given me that my husband neglects to give. My husband and I use to have the ability to just talk and now we so busy with our lives...we become focused on what we need to do and forget to just have fun and talk
I see, that makes perfect sense, then I think this very painful situation is allowing you to reflect on this distance and neglect present in your marriage not for you to suffer even more but to focus on making necessary adjustments, that could lead to heal and empower it.
How do I do that?
Choosing to be more open and honest towards him, letting him know how you have felt all this time...
how neglected you have felt and needy, and that it has not been good for you nor for your relationship, that you feel you truly need to focus on your marriage much more, specially now that you have your first child
This incident with this friend could be the very best chance you got to become aware of the way you and your husband were neglecting each other because of your responsibilities and stress. You were best friends but routine and stress undermined your connection, trust and intimacy, and now this overwhelming situation is telling you to take concrete actions in order to take good care of yourself, marriage and family.
You're very welcome. Please be unconditionally patient, gentle, understanding and compassionate with yourself and towards your husband, and work on this together; it is painful and hard but necessary and absolutely worthy, the three of you need and deserve it.