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Hello Raphael we spoke in the past as I was dealing with a very jealous boyfriend who broke up over a very silly reason. He eventually came back asking for 'forgiveness' and I decided to give it a try but making sure he understood I d have not tollerated anymore any irrational behavior. Eventually he went into a crisis (just after a week or so) saying he did not know if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, that he wanted freedom etc, that he needed time to think. He said that all the things we had planned (moving in together and maybe a family one day) were not that serious talk. I was shocked by such contradiction (jealous who seeks freedom); i could not believe how someone who struggles with jealousy and accused me to look at other men etc, could be the one asking for freedom (and maybe date others-as he stated). He was very aggressive, i could sense anger. and It took half day for me to think carefully (please mind that i have codependency issues) and tell him I was taking the decision for both of us, so no need to think more...and that the relationship was over. Eventually he started calling me like crazy texting and emailing me that he did it wrong, he wanted to work things out. I never answered his call and he stopped. I am now very confused by his behavior. I d like your support..as I struggle now with sense of guilt (i am the one who stopped the communication) and anger and disappointment and loss feelings (i definetely miss him). His behavior (changing his mind so drastically/quickly) about our relationship makes me wonder even if what we had was real. Basically I now struggle with my own issues (attachment, trust etc).
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Hello. Please give me a minute to read your question. Thanks.
we spoke in the past
I see. I am sorry to know about this incident.
But I think this is something that was going to happen at any moment
Let's start by reviewing which were the core issues you experience before. Could you please list them ?
well i d say insecure
self esteem issue
some sort of controlling personality
Thanks. and what was the very incident that led to the most recent break up before this incident?
ok so basically he has been always jealous ..
and what happened 2-3 weeks ago is that he got extremely angry
bcs I texted my ex bf to tell him my manuscript was rejected by a very important scientific journal. this was something i have been working for 5 years and the manuscript was under revision for 1 year. it was/still is a very bad news for me and i was devastated
so despite his support, I felt the need to reach other other friends to tell them the news. He got extremely angry , even though he knew i am in touch once in a qwhile with this guy
Right, I remember, it was truly overwhelming news
he said what i did was a deal breaker
very bad one
so basically he was pissed off
by my action
he did not see i was simply in need of communicating this news
there is nothing with that ex we broke up many years ago
however he was able to go meet his ex wife
and telling me that after it happened
so we had a bad fight over what is fair and not
he left saying he needed to think, after few days broke up with me..
This was something reasonable for you to do once the situation was this painful, but instead of his understanding this and being more supportive, he chose to act out his jealousy and control
it was all about him..
so then he left angry and said he needed to think
after few days we met and he said it was over bcs i did something very bad etc
i was shocked and hurt
Sure it was. It was his ego not feeling pleased enough with the control and attentions he got
few days later he called crying saying he missed me
the same day of the break up he called crying saying he missed me and needed more time
It was not an isolated incident but just one more episode of his dysfucntional patter of abusive control, rihght?
to understand why he acted that way.
one time he accused me to look at a man on a plane
he wanted to go back nyc (we were in LA just landed)
i don t even know if i looked at that guy honestly
but i tried to calm him down (probably my bad)
there has been a few other times..
basically always him getting angry and accusing me of looking/hitting other men
please mind ppl find me attrative so perhpas that did not help either (they often would comment on the street, like 'congratulate' him for being with me etc)
These are all behaviors that confirmed over and over again how serious his personal issues-mental health disorders are, and it is obvious these disorders have distorted his personality to the point he could act out these ways, abuse you this easily while playing the victim role. It is truly unhealthy and concerning, and obviously painful for you who suffer it
however we were happy together and i tried to be understanding, i thought it had to do with his insicurity
and the fact he was coming out of a divorce..and also it is not easy to date me (in the sense that i get lots of attention from men)
What I see here is that no matter how much you tried to be this good partner you were, and even going beyond what is healthy and pleasing him more, he was never able to feel satisfied with it and would continue to do the same regardless of your efforts
i think it got worst
What you say makes sense but the behaviors you describe here coming from him for all this time do not show he is just a person grieving and having a hard time coping, but one that has very distorted personality and mental health issues, including a very codependet personality, full of control, jealousy, manipulation selfishness and other issues that would never allow a relationship to truly develop and grow in healthy ways, no matter how much you push yourself
The more you try to please a person like him, the worse he woudl get, the more abusive and manipulative he would become
It would never truly help but enable further abuse
what does define the 'being distorted' etc over being simply a person who has hard time?
is it the quantity of incidents?
the level of anger?
since what is needed here is much more about healthy boundaries and limits than a bout pleasing his ego with all his distortions
It is everything, from the frequency to the seriousness of his abusive behaviors
one thing is to experience jealousy in a normal fashion, and another very different to use it in abusive ways, going beyond boundaries and hurting the other person, the one e is supposed to love
Healthy jealousy shows you the other person cares about you and wants to protect the relationship, but when this feeling disregards XXXXX XXXXX empathy, boundaries, becomes abusive and destructive, it does show the person has serious mental health problems deeply undermining his ability to take good care of himself and to play a healthy and acceptable role in the relationship
so to finish the story...so what happened after this incident is that he called crying the same day of break up (first one) asking for more time saying he missed me etc. We met eventually and he was very reasonable. he acknoweled he had a problem and said i should talk to everyone i want, that he does not owns me etc. I myself told him what i thought, that i was not gonna stay with him any longer if this would have happened again and that he needed to work on his issues, that i wanted an healthy relationship. we got back together and after a week or so we had a trip together (work+few days off) and although undecided I eventually did go. however during the trip i realized things were not fully normal, surely from my side, i was still hurt and also he was at times cold and not showing much attention...or at least the attention someone who wants to get back with his girlfriend would show....I eventually inquired , after the trip if eveything was OK. I got aggressive, claiming i wanted to over analyze his mind. I told him he was being cold and distant. so He basically flipped out saying he was not sure he wanted this anymore. he was very mean and said he may want date others and wanted to think more, bcs he wanted freedom. That is when i finally broke up (via email). By the time he got my email he was already downstairs my apt trying to see me, saying he realized he did a mistake and was there to talk to me, to give him another chance, that he wanted to work this out. I did not pick up and i was not at home at that time, i was on my way home from work so instead of going home, i went to see a friend to avoid him. he called 20 times that night. eventually he stopped. So one of my questions for you is..why he went from being jealous to asking for freedom?
I can see how shocked and hurt you feel by his most recent behavior, but this is not something inconsistent with his pattern of neglect and abuse, it just confirms how selfish, irrational and manipulative he could get. He suffers of these disorders, but then caused pain and suffering to you in the relationship because of his inability and unwillingness to acknowledge reality and to look for necessary treatment to work on changes, to really rehabilitate and to end his abusive ways.
I think this would be one way he could fuel more the control , power and manipulation over you, abusing you, if you take the blame and codependently tolerate or allow more of it, he would feel more empowered, with the right to perpetuate the same behaviors over and over again. He knows it has worked for him before, and even when his words could shoe acknowledgement and accountability at a time, then his actions show what he really feels, thinks and is willing to do about it, and all of them show he is unable and unwilling to work on his own serious issues, so to work on healing and building this relatiosnhip
right ..but i dont get how he can go from being jealous
to saying he wants freedom
to me it does nto make much sense
I think it shows through that behavior how distorted and excessive, abusive his expectations and feelings about you could get, since he knows how much you care, how you feel, and by being this way he could actually punish and hurt you even more
so it was more punishing me rather then coming from his own need to get freedom?
If he truly goes away after that, it would show he was honest and serious about his need of freedom, but what it shows is that he just wants to overpower you even more in order to do as he pleases justifying his behaviors.
well after i did not pick up..
he never called again..
The more vulnerable you become, needy or hurt you appear , the more empowered he would feel to abuse and manipulate you. I am sorry, but I do not see how a relationship like this could do any good to anybody in your shoes, and I am afraid it would not end here, but that as soon as he realizes that his manipulative-abusive games is not working he would comeback playing the victim role again and again
so you think he will try to reach out again?
Obviously, every time to tolerate this destructive circle, you would be enabling him and his distortions and abuse even more, self-sabotaging, creating more more in your life, hurting yourself eve more, becoming more codpendent
Of course I think he will
i never picked up his phone calls since that email i sent him where basically i was saying that i could not handle to back and forth and the stress and this wan not going anywhere and , since he asked for time to think about his freedom and space, that he should have taken it, as i was taking the decision for both of us that the relationship was over
Don't you see you told him that you would not tolerate any more incidets like that, and his response was this? He is showing you how easily he could manipulate you, to the point you do not even respect and take good care of yourself, that's what he wants, to undermine your self-esteem fueling your dependency to him, so he could have more power over you
but at this time he did not use the jealousy ..instead he claimed he wanted freedom
so i thought somethign had changed on his side etc feelings towards me etc. i was basically confused. also why do you think he felt the need to 'punish' me in this way as we did just get back together? and way being so cold during the trip? or better hot/cold?
You were being assertive and wise when you decided not to allow further abuse and manipulation, but then his actions overwhelmed you, showing how much attached you have been to this person and to the expectations you have built around him, which obviously are far away from matching reality because of his personal issues and disorders, the abuse an neglect.
i got very overwhelmed and now dealing with my attachment issues (miss him etc)
Because that was the best abusive strategy to manipulative you even more, to "make you feel" guilty for confronting him and setting such boundary, for threatening his power and control, since according to him, you always end being the wrong one, the one who betrays and does not respect him; his words about feeling sorry and not deserving you are used just to appear as remorseful, accountable and good to manipulate you even more, once he always gets back to the same abusive pattern.
This is your codependency, this is a tough love addiction. He is like cocaine, it harms and destroys you, you know it but still want to get back to him over and over again. But this is not about an inanimate object of addiction, but about a person how has will, intellectual intelligence and who uses them to overpower, manipulate and control you, adjusting his behaviors to ensure he keep you addicted
i am trying to deal with it
It's like cocaine having awareness, will and freedom to take consistent actions to ensure you remain and deepen your addiction to it, but when with cocaine you actually clearly recognize it is something destructive, besides of the high you get, with love and attachment you could easily rationalize and justify the addiction and exposing yourself to further abuse and dysfunction, because it is "out of love and hope".
right but since last incident i took the lead, i broke up and not picked up his calls
Regular and consistent individual psychotherapy is necessary here to effectively work on your rehabilitation process
i felt he was direspectful
Perfect, and you see how he would continue to try to get back and perpetuate the whole addictive circle again?
i did not see it in those terms
i thought his need for freedom was coming from a inner need..
no a desire to manipulate me
That's why I am being this clear and direct
I do not think so, and the best way to find out is by just witnessing is behaviors, what he does from now on, if he really shows consistency with his words or not, then you will know, just do not deny what reality shows you this objectively, no matter how painful it could be
my last question for you is the following. i dated 2 years ago an alchoolic porn addict. it took long time , months to break up. then after 6 months i met him, and things were great. however as we see same path again. why do i unconsciously choose those type of me? when i first started date him i was careful to red flags (drinking, addictions etc) but why still i did not see and why do i end up with those type of men?
basically i dated either emotionally unavailable or men that want to control me/initiate the codependency cycle
(jealous, addicted etc)
Most times it happens because or personal unresolved issues always lead us to expose to and even look for people who could perpetuate the dysfunctional roles and issues we were not able to work on, like reacting those scenarios over and over again. Subconsciously we self-sabotage and enable these situations. What you fear the most is what you attract the most and what you want the most, is what oyu push away the most if anxiety and other unresolved negative feelings remain within yourself
Addictive tendencies go from one to another relationship, just as addiction to substances could be transferred to new drugs, the core is the same, and unless the person works on changing it, to really heal from inside, this pattern would be perpetuate and you would end choosing those who would play the codependent, neglectful an abusive role. The core of your rehabilitation process is for you to learn to respect, love, support and protect yourself, never to allow anybody under any circumstance to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you, if you do work on this ore relationship,the one you have with yourself,, and make of it a truly healthy one, then you would not create, promote, allow or enable any unhealthy relationship with another person.
i truly thought that i learnt my lesson with my other alcholic ex..and this time this was a healthy one..
he was treating me like a princess and had no addictions
You have been trying to meet the needs of your inner child through relationships, and this could never work. You need to work on those core issues first, to truly understand, love, support yourself and meet those needs within yourself first, in order to be able to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship with a life partner.
But as soon as he showed his abusive ways, you would have confronted it and stopped right away, but you did engage in the addictive circle
yes for a few months
i thought it was not serious at first
just his insicurity
so in case he tried to reach me out again, what shall I do? do not pick up phone calls? or talk?
This is what should not be happening over and over again. You cannot know in advance many things about new people, but you need to take the time to know them and as soon as you find out about reality, one of abuse or dysfunction, you need to take immediate action to cope with it instead of attaching and fueling it even more.
I thin you need to be %100 consistent with protecting and taking good care of yourself, if not you would enable further abuse, dysfunction and suffering. He can only have the power to hurt you that you allow and enable. He would not be able to harm you if you happen to truly take good care of yourself, and that requires %100 consistency, no self-sabotage at all. This is why regular psychotherapy and active participation in a support group for codpendency are so important.
i am doing theraphy
so i should not talk to him
in case he called?
Absolutely. I do not see how by doing so you could be take good care of yourself and not enable further abuse, fueling his own disorders and dysfunctions.
last thing i wanted to mention is that when he was trying to reach me, after I did break up with him , he was writing those desperate text imploring me to talk to him, and also wrote something like "i know you like me, i want to work this out". at that time i was at my friend house and my friend 'opened' my eyes to how no sense was what he wrote....he did not write ' i love you, i want to work this out' instead " i know you like me, i want to work this out'
Please openly discuss with your therapist about everything, since she/he needs to make adjustments for your therapeutic process to be more effective and truly therapeutic.
Sure, one more concrete behavior showing you haw dysfunctional this has been.
ok i ll let you go now
thank you so much!
Thank you for your trust.
You're very welcome.
Bye for now
Please do not forget to rate session, thanks.
Hello Raphel you were right. my ex called me again today, i did not pick up, yet keep feeling confused and very down and guilty as u know.
Relist: Other. my therapist of choice is busy however I d like some support. I am dealing with a jealous manipulative boyfriend, i broke with him bcs I could not take no more the back and forth and stress (he had previously broke up with me over a text about work i sent to an ex I kept friendship with). Later on we got back together however he started show other irrational signs saying he was confused. at that time i walked away. now he is trying to get back with me (calling etc)and i not sure how to act