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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My bf & Ive lived together since March, I relocated from KY

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My bf & I've lived together since March, I relocated from KY to MD. He has 2 children, son 12 & daughter 15. Also, due to Maryland's archaic divorce laws he's in the process of divorce w/ sons mother. Our home is only 2 miles from the exes of which his name is XXXXX XXXXX the deed. The ex came to my home on 4 occasions w/ the child & I got a stay away from the court. The ex utilizes the child as a tool to force him to communicate w/ her & takes the child's phone so my bf must call her. She has a stable career yet refuses to pay any portion of the mortgage, living rent free along w/ health insurance, car insurance, & we've had many fights over his refusal to make her pay half. My bf has admitted he's more attached to the son than the daughter. He takes the child to school daily & is called for every emergency such as the dog getting loose. Besides the times the ex brought the child to our house for her fits, I'm not allowed to meet him & he is not comfortable coming to our home. The boy is very aware of his role in this & w/ the mom plays constant guilt trip games. He calls crying at least once a week about how his mom is mean & asks my bf , "daddy when are you coming home". We fight about this at least once per week & even have written out contracts relating to him deducing the amounts he pays at his old house. I feel like I constantly have to "push" him by nagging, arguing, threatening to leave, etc. he communicates via text or phone almost every day w/ ex as they find some issue relating to the child they must talk over. He even still pays for his 19 year old step daughters car & health insurance. His other child lives in NC & until I had a fit he hadn't seen her in over a year. I tell him that he won't "close any doors" on his old life & the over attachment to the son is a major road block. He's even admitted that him & son are way to codependent, but when we argue he tells me he purposely doesn't see his son as much as he'd like, the 5 times a week taking him to school is brief/irrelevant. In Aug he agreed to relocate to KY with me because I said that I hated my life here. I've been the one applying to jobs for him & he hasn't told child or exe. He's scared of confrontation, this woman is an overbearing, bully even physically beating a previous girlfriend. She bully's my bf & calls him a bitch & pushed him down the stairs several years ago. He told me today that he takes all of her nonsense so the son doesn't bear the brunt of her tangents. She told me one time that his son was his world and I couldn't compete and he admitted that was the on,y reason he stayed married to her for so long. He's a high ranking police officer so was embarrassed to call 911. we drove 8 hours for him to interview for a job in KY & our moving date is set for Dec19th, but he's done nothing besides the interview & were supposed to move in 6 weeks & says he's 87% certain he's moving. He was offered an 80k job an hour from Baltimore & offered to pay all of my bills which I think was to keep him near the child. He keeps his cell phones in the car and when I pulled the phone records I saw where he/she were in touch more than us. Theres no sexual cheating, but I've told him I feel like I'm sharing him with the exe & his old life. Us moving is more about taking away the accessibility than anything else. The son didn't even get him a card for Father's Day or birthday & his birthday told him, "no dad, I can't spend time with you because I'm busy relaxing". He's told me that I've a problem with his relationship with his son and I do, it's like he's addicted to this child. I need some advice on how to proceed. I feel like hes no plan on moving, but keeps me hopeful just to have these last weeks. I've major fits/outbursts which are like tantrums because I get frustrated. What is a good way to approach the situation? Any suggestions on how to get him to realize that it's a major problem that he's paying $2,000 per month because this bully? Am I wasting my time in a relationship that will never change? I also wonder what's a "normal" level of communication between him and her since they do share a child? Besides the exe and son our relationship is my dream scenario of perfect, besides this. He found an email where I called the son, "Baby Jesus" and the woman a gorilla. Not to sound arrogant, but there is a huge difference in this woman and myself: she's overweight, unattractive, poor hygiene, doesn't cook, keeps a disgusting home, & has such a nasty demeanor that her peer group is nonexistent.
I'm at a point where I cant continue with the current situation unless he makes alterations. PS- advice on how he can deal with the situation would be a great help as I don't think he really knows how to deal with her the son and exe. If he could positively handle the issues then our relationship would greatly benefit.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this situation. Please give me a few minutes to reread it in order to better understand it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is truly concerning, and I'd say overwhelming for most people in your shoes.

Customer: Thank you for the quick response. Yes, it's very overwhelming and I'm tired of being told to be patient
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is concerning because you depicted a very dysfunctional relationship between your boyfriend and his wife, where even when he openly admits how abusive and unhealthy this relationship has been, and how it damages you and your relationship, he perpetuates and fuels it leading to further and more chronic issues against you, your relationship and his own children's well-being.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How many times has he promised you he was going to do something and not complied with it?

Customer: I've reiterated the above, that's its not a good solution to keep band aiding this with no real solutikns
Customer: at least 10 times, he says it's because he doesn't want to do it on my time. I even had a moving company hired to get the remainder of his belongings that are in the basement
Customer: the car insurance ws supposed to be cancelled September 8th and he didn't, now it's a new date of November 22nd
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The codependency is obviously very serious, but if he just superficially acknowledges the issues without taking real responsibility for his choices and actions, and commits to make necessary changes, then his words and promises would be helpless.

Customer: I tell him empty promises and all he says is I need to learn to trust. What could be he cause of the over attachment to one child? Sorry to jump topics
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That is just unacceptable, and we could not say that it is about an isolated episode, but this is a clear self-sabotaging pattern, where he's been neglecting you and undermining the relationship as well as his children's well-being with it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perhaps he identifies to him and his issues because of being a male and this attached and manipulated by his mother. Do you know if he comes from a dysfunctional very codependent family where abuse and neglect were also present?

Customer: ive had tangents so much that now when I get upset it's more of a here we go again and I think he says promises just to appease me. Nothing ever comes to fruition.
Customer: He said that exactly, his mother was similar and his father wasn't present so he identifies with the child and feels he's been there before
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it'd be obvious that he's been manipulating you, tolerating, and enabling her behaviors and presence in your lives, and the dysfunctional relationship with son. Then it makes sense.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why he is this codependent and dysfunctional.

Customer: I found a text where his wife mentioned divorce and he told her, that was her choice not his. The. He justified it by saying it was because of not wanting to have to pay for divorce and I will not confront divorce with her. Big red flag
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily one of his core illusions is that by being this attached to him, literally spoiling and enabling this whole situation he has been protecting him and compensating for the divorce and the dysfunctional-abusive mother.

Customer: there is no way to "fix" this unless he openly makes changes, correct? I do not want to stay in this and it be a dead end with the same problems.
Customer: Wow, ws the majority of what you've told me he has openly admitted to.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am afraid that this situation would not significantly improve unless he happens to truly fully admit how dysfunctional this whole situation is, choosing to be fully honest and takes total responsibility for his choices and actions.

Customer: My father whose a seasoned divorce attorney says he will secretly hate me if we move because he will pine for child. He has on several occasions told me he knows how awful it is and that I deserve better, but besides the guilt there's no action. Like he is aware, but won't do anything past admitting. Does that make sense?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

he is the only one with the power and responsibility to allow these changes to start, working hard on himself with necessary professional psychological support, otherwise he would continue sabotaging and perpetuating the neglect, manipulation and dysfunction here. Denial, avoidance, lack of accountability, justification and more would continue to undermine everything. He is not a victim here but an active enabler of this whole nightmare.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It does perfect sense, it does clearly show how he uses words and feelings to manipulate and justify, while his concrete actions show you how unhealthy and destructive his approach has been and would continue to be unless he truly takes responsibility acknowledging what has been going on here. But remember, his denial , secrecy, avoidance and other core issues would be there unless you actually see him taking consistent actions to make these changes with professional support.

Customer: I've waited for change and things to improve, now he's tired of hearing me complain and tells me I'm impatient/spoiled because I want things done now. It's been 7 months and none of the commitments have been fulfilled so I've no reason to believe they will. Thank you very much, this has definitely helped me because I'm tired of being told that I'm the one whose expecting to much and that I'm insensitive. I've no kids or been married, but I know this isn't a way to close an old life.
Customer: He won't close the chapter on his old life, he even went inside to do homework projects with the boy. The boy called three times that week, enticing him to the house and he finally gave in. It was a major fight
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This could be very tough since codependency and all the core issues from his childhood could have been deeply engrained in his personality, thus for him to change would take time and hard work with professional support,otherwise I do not believe it would happen.

Customer: your professional opinion on what I've detailed, do you think I'm wasting my time or is there some key words I can use to let him know how serious I am?
Customer: Lastly as I appreciate the time you've taken, can I save this conversation for later reading?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The basic expectation any adult should have is to be respected, to to be fooled, betrayed or manipulated. If he says something he must show consistency actions otherwise he would just confirm how absent is real respect, caring about you, your feelings and relationship, and how easily he could use words and emotions to manipulate things, and that's just unacceptable, very destructive and painful for anybody in your shoes.

Customer: Youve helped a tremendous amount, now I know I'm not over reacting or expecting to much lol have a nice evening sir and the advice has been very positive on many aspects. :)
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Be %100 truthful with yourself and clear about your core needs and expectations from this relationship, and from there be totally honest towards him, assertively confronting his unacceptable behaviors, setting clear boundaries and limits and letting him know that you would not take any more dishonesty or manipulation, that you care about him and your relationship, but that there is nothing that could justify you taking any more dishonesty and neglect here. That for this relationship to grow heal and become truly fulfilling, it must be reciprocal and if he does not take full responsibility for his own words, choices, feelings and actions, there would be nothing more you could do to make it work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you so much for being this open and honest here, for your trust. I am glad to know it's been this helpful. Please carefully reflect on this and take consistent and assertive action with all the help you could get from your support system and please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions, or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Here will be the record of this chat for you to review it as needed: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/82vvv-bf-i-ve-lived-together-march-relocated.html?src=dn

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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