Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this situation. Please give me a few minutes to reread it in order to better understand it.
What you describe here is truly concerning, and I'd say overwhelming for most people in your shoes.
It is concerning because you depicted a very dysfunctional relationship between your boyfriend and his wife, where even when he openly admits how abusive and unhealthy this relationship has been, and how it damages you and your relationship, he perpetuates and fuels it leading to further and more chronic issues against you, your relationship and his own children's well-being.
How many times has he promised you he was going to do something and not complied with it?
The codependency is obviously very serious, but if he just superficially acknowledges the issues without taking real responsibility for his choices and actions, and commits to make necessary changes, then his words and promises would be helpless.
That is just unacceptable, and we could not say that it is about an isolated episode, but this is a clear self-sabotaging pattern, where he's been neglecting you and undermining the relationship as well as his children's well-being with it.
Perhaps he identifies to him and his issues because of being a male and this attached and manipulated by his mother. Do you know if he comes from a dysfunctional very codependent family where abuse and neglect were also present?
Then it'd be obvious that he's been manipulating you, tolerating, and enabling her behaviors and presence in your lives, and the dysfunctional relationship with son. Then it makes sense.
That's why he is this codependent and dysfunctional.
Unhappily one of his core illusions is that by being this attached to him, literally spoiling and enabling this whole situation he has been protecting him and compensating for the divorce and the dysfunctional-abusive mother.
I am afraid that this situation would not significantly improve unless he happens to truly fully admit how dysfunctional this whole situation is, choosing to be fully honest and takes total responsibility for his choices and actions.
he is the only one with the power and responsibility to allow these changes to start, working hard on himself with necessary professional psychological support, otherwise he would continue sabotaging and perpetuating the neglect, manipulation and dysfunction here. Denial, avoidance, lack of accountability, justification and more would continue to undermine everything. He is not a victim here but an active enabler of this whole nightmare.
It does perfect sense, it does clearly show how he uses words and feelings to manipulate and justify, while his concrete actions show you how unhealthy and destructive his approach has been and would continue to be unless he truly takes responsibility acknowledging what has been going on here. But remember, his denial , secrecy, avoidance and other core issues would be there unless you actually see him taking consistent actions to make these changes with professional support.
This could be very tough since codependency and all the core issues from his childhood could have been deeply engrained in his personality, thus for him to change would take time and hard work with professional support,otherwise I do not believe it would happen.
The basic expectation any adult should have is to be respected, to to be fooled, betrayed or manipulated. If he says something he must show consistency actions otherwise he would just confirm how absent is real respect, caring about you, your feelings and relationship, and how easily he could use words and emotions to manipulate things, and that's just unacceptable, very destructive and painful for anybody in your shoes.
Be %100 truthful with yourself and clear about your core needs and expectations from this relationship, and from there be totally honest towards him, assertively confronting his unacceptable behaviors, setting clear boundaries and limits and letting him know that you would not take any more dishonesty or manipulation, that you care about him and your relationship, but that there is nothing that could justify you taking any more dishonesty and neglect here. That for this relationship to grow heal and become truly fulfilling, it must be reciprocal and if he does not take full responsibility for his own words, choices, feelings and actions, there would be nothing more you could do to make it work.
Thank you so much for being this open and honest here, for your trust. I am glad to know it's been this helpful. Please carefully reflect on this and take consistent and assertive action with all the help you could get from your support system and please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions, or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
Here will be the record of this chat for you to review it as needed: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/82vvv-bf-i-ve-lived-together-march-relocated.html?src=dn